Thank you for joining me this evening at Kiawah Island Golf Resort’s Ocean Room. I realize everyone is surprised to see one another again so soon after that grueling Charleston debate. Governor Christie, now-now, no stink-eye stare at Dr. Carson. Here, have some North Carolina osetra imperial caviar before you gobble up Governor Kasich.
Everyone: Eat, drink, be merry!
After all, I’ve taken the liberty and placed the entire evening on Mr. Trump’s tab. Trust me, that’s nothing compared to the personal pastoral fee I charge him.
Speaking of which, I don’t think a single one of you is aware that you’ve all hired Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries to be your respective presidential campaign ministry. So I thought for once I would cut out the middle man and put all of us in a room together. As the Good Book says, what the Good Lord hath glued together, let no same-sex lovin’, AFL-CIO card-carryin’, free-college-tuition dreamer put asunder.
Also, going forward, this is going to make billing much easier. Now I can just submit one simple monthly invoice to RNC Chair Reince Priebus. (I’m telling you, just from tonight alone, I’ll finally be able to buy Mrs. Pillow those his and hers Ciclotte exercise bikes.)
Jeb, sit down and stop griping. Yes, we all know you’re Conservative Royalty, but the order of seating this evening is strictly based on polling data—which is why Rubio sits at The Donald’s right hand. So stick some halibut sashimi in that former gubernatorial pie-hole of yours and listen up.
Now, you’ve all hired me to be your conduit to Jehovah-Oval-Office. Finally, your financial investments have come back ten-fold! Pressed down, shaken together, like a boatful of Syrians adrift in the Mediterranean.
Last night, I had a vision. I was carried away in the Spirit to a place that looked and smelled a lot like Chuck E. Cheese but which may have been Atlantic City. I saw Nikki Haley dressed as Lady Liberty and brandishing a Howitzer emerge from the sea; she was astride a double-headed Koch Brothers dragon covered in greenback scales. Nikki & The Koch Dragon were followed by the other U.S. Governors who have refused to expand Medicaid, then by Benjamin Netanyahu and Vladimir Putin blowing sousaphones to the Nae Nae. And then—well, I’m not quite sure what came next, because I woke up and had to void my evening bladder.
There I stood in my $1,200 Brunello Cucinelli spa robe, relieving myself, and I thought, “Damned if I ever eat a late-night slice of Margherita pizza again.”
Then an electoral epiphany descended upon me: Why only one?
Why must we righteous Republicans continue to fight hand over fist against one another? For do we not seek the same thing? Theocracy, Tyranny and the utter destruction of critical thinking!
Imagine our combined strength against the Email Witch or the Bronx Commie Jew!
Let us join forces! Let us unite as a Tribunal of Seven. A great Spiritual Sept! Against us, no single payer system shall pass!
As in the times of the Old Testament Judges—you know, like Ehud, that shit-storm of a leader. Let us decapitate Fannie Mae. Let us castrate regulation! Let us, as Brother Cruz has spoken, make the sand glow in our crusade against all who breathe pagan breath.
Ooh, I don’t know about you, but I’m getting some dance-like-David-naked-before-the-Ark whirligig hot flashes! Someone open a window.
And, Senator Cruz, would you mind passing me that bottle of horseradish crème fraiche? Now let’s you and I work on a Constitutional Amendment to permit Canadian-born citizens to join our little Synod of Seven.
Please open your hymnals to No. 50.
I seen a front porch swing
Heard a diamond ring
I seen a polka-dot railroad tie
But I did done seen ’bout everything
When I see an elephant fly
Every day, the Christian Right Media makes a financial killing reporting news with an outlandish slant to millions of Christian fundamentalists across the Fruited Plain. According to Forbes, the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) alone brings in nearly $300 million in annual revenue. Yet CBN is a mere bright star in a galaxy of hundreds of Christian Right Media organizations that put even Fox News to shame.
Here are five articles from the Christian Right Media over the past week that remind progressives of the critical need to show up at the polls on Tuesday, November 8, 2016, if ever we are to right the Good Ship Civilization:
5. Anglican Communion Suspends Episcopal Church Over LGBTQ Rights, Same-Sex Marriage via Gospel Herald
The Anglican Church, long ago formed by King Henry VIII in order to justify his murderous, divorcing ways, has just theologically spanked the Episcopal Church for its position on same-sex marriage.
Hmm. Reread that sentence several times—then consider the fact that the Anglican senior bishops who made this determination are referred to formally as Primates. More seriously, this is a good time to revisit retired Anglican Archbishop Desmond Tutu’s position on these matters:
I would refuse to go to a homophobic heaven. No, I would say sorry, I mean I would much rather go to the other place … I would not worship a God who is homophobic and that is how deeply I feel about this.
4. Farm Couple Must Still Pay Fine for Refusing to Host Gay Wedding over at Christian Broadcasting Network
See above. Voila, Farmers of America! Rainbow “American Gothic.”
3. ‘Duck Dynasty’ Patriarch Phil Robertson Announces Presidential Endorsement at Charisma News
The only thing worse than a fundamentalist reality television star endorsing someone for President of the United States is the endorsed candidate being tickled pink by the endorsement:
I am thrilled to have Phil’s support for our campaign … The Robertsons are a strong family of great Christian faith and conservative values.
Actually, there is one worse thing: a self-proclaimed Christian media reporter expressing pride in Fox News, in being a redneck, and the whole Cruz-Duck Dynasty shebang. (Way to go, Todd Starnes.)
p.s. Ted Cruz is far more dangerous than Donald Trump—at least Donald Trump is lying about his love of All-Things-Evangelical-Fundamentalist. By the way, combined, Trump and Cruz have the support of more than 50% of Republican voters in recent polls. Folks, Civilization is in the balance in November 2016. Get in line to vote now.
2. Taraji P. Henson Tells 3 Million Fans: ‘God Will Get His Glory’ for Golden Globe Win over at Christian Post
God, upon being reached for comment: “Meh. I’m more of a ‘Scandal’ guy.’”
1. A Dentist is Being Sued for Harassing Staff by Constantly Playing Christian Music over at Washington Post
In order for you to understand just how godawful things were for these employees, we want you to play the following two video clips simultaneously:
The jury finds for the plaintiffs, Your Honor!
That’s a wrap!
Pastor Pillow now makes national radio guest appearances on The Horn: The Head On Radio Network. Click to hear Pastor Pillow’s October 14, November 11 and December 9 tent revival segments with Brother Bob Kincaid. Pastor Pillow’s next Prayer Meetin’ Wednesday is January 20 at 6 p.m. ET. Mark your calendars and tune in!
Also, Human Beings Everywhere: Follow The Golden Rule.
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