It’s April Fools’ Day, which is another way to say that you might want to doubt almost anything someone says to you today. That being said, I thought I’d have a little fun by throwing together 10 quotes said on Fox News that sound like they should be absurd April Fools’ Day jokes – yet are sadly (and terrifyingly) real.
The truth is, a lot of what’s said on Fox News nowadays sounds more like satire than something that should actually be taken seriously. In fact, I often find myself having to warn people when I write an article about something said on the network that what they’re reading isn’t satire because what was said was so ridiculous.
So, in the spirit of April Fools’ Day, I thought I’d list 10 of the most absurd things I’ve recently heard said on Fox News. I’ll list them in no particular order since they’re all utterly ridiculous in their own special way.
1. While discussing healthier school lunches, Andrea Tantaros claimed that healthier school lunches were causing mental problems: “But the road to hell is often paved with good intentions. I think they are well-intentioned. They want to get kids healthy, but we’re hearing reports of kids being hungry at the school, that this is causing mental problems.”
Yes, according to Tantaros, eating healthy is causing children to develop mental problems.
2. Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly comically claimed that the network he works for isn’t conservative: “I’ve never bought that Fox is the conservative network.”
At least he didn’t claim his show was being broadcast live from the Falkland Islands.
3. Tucker Carlson claimed that Christianity is the reason why slavery no longer exists: “By the way, who ended slavery and Jim Crow? Christians. The Rev. Martin Luther King. Christians. Christianity is the reason we don’t have slavery in the world today.”
Someone might want to inform him that religion was actually used to defend slavery, segregation and bans on interracial marriage.
4. Ms. Tantaros is back once again, stating that the U.S. can do no wrong because we are “awesome”: “The United States of America is awesome. We are awesome! But we’ve had this discussion. We’ve closed the book on it. The reason they want the discussion is not to show how awesome we are. It’s to show us how we’re not awesome. They apologized for something. They don’t like this country. They want us to look bad and all this does is have our enemies laughing at us.”
Nothing says “take me seriously as a legitimate news person” quite like using the word “awesome” four times in one strange rant.
5. Fox News “medical expert” Keith Ablow essentially said that every nation on Earth should be ruled by our Constitution and that the U.S. should declare an “American jihad” on any country that resists: “An American jihad would embrace the correct belief that if every nation on earth were governed by freely elected leaders and by our Constitution, the world would be a far better place. And an American jihad would not only hope for this outcome, but work toward it.”
Because nothing says we love freedom and liberty quite like forced occupation with overwhelming military force.
6. While this isn’t a quote, Fox News did a “poll” where people were asked how they felt things were going in the world today and the only two possible answers were “To Hell in a Handbasket” or “Everything will be alright.”
Yes, that was a legitimate “poll” the network tried to use to prove some kind of a point.
7. While discussing Islam, Eric Bolling touted the “success” of Japanese internment camps during WWII: “We should have been profiling on September 12, 2001. Let’s take a trip down memory lane here: The last war this country won, we put Japanese-Americans in internment camps, we dropped nuclear bombs on residential city centers. So, yes, profiling would be at least a good start.”
Who cares about Constitutional rights anyway, right?
8. According to Kimberly Guilfoyle, co-host on Outnumbered, sexual harassment is perfectly fine because, well, men need to be men: “Let men be men, I just love them. Look, men are going to be that way. What can you do?”
That, ladies and gentlemen, is next-level stupidity at its finest.
9. There was that time when Tucker Carlson said poor people in the U.S. are lucky, because they’re fat: “All of us should be happy about one thing, and it’s that for the first time in human history you have a country whose poor people are fat. So this does show this sort of amazing abundance. For the last however many millennia, poor people starved to death. And this is a country that’s so rich, whose agriculture sector is so vibrant and at the cutting edge technologically, that our food is so cheap, poor people are fat! I mean, I don’t know. We shouldn’t take that for granted.”
I really don’t even know how to respond to that.
10. With President Obama set to meet with meteorologists to discuss climate change, Dana Perino suggested these scientists should instead ask him about – Benghazi: “Tomorrow, President Obama is going to do interviews with meteorologists all across the country about a new climate change report. I hope they ask him about Benghazi. Like, the weatherman from Montana should ask him about Benghazi. That would be great. I dare you.”
Yes, because the two subjects are very closely related.
There you have it folks, 10 quotes from various Fox News personalities that are so absurd that they could easily pass as April Fools’ Day jokes. Yet, sadly, they’re actually real.