The 10 Step Republican Process for Creating the Perfect Mindless Conservative Zombie

I’ve hit a point in political discourse where much of the time I teeter on the edge of anger and laughter when dealing with conservatives. To me, many conservatives don’t behave like people who follow a political party, but rather like individuals who have joined a cult. And while many people often seem shocked at how so many Americans continue to vote against their own interests, it’s really not as complicated as it might seem.

You see, Republicans have developed a great scheme for creating the perfect brainless conservative zombie. Someone who just grunts out right-wing talking points, without a thought in the world as to whether or not there’s any reality to support them, who strolls through the political world aimlessly waiting for someone to tell them what to think or do.

So I thought I’d explain how this process works.

1) Use fear: It’s human nature to fear the unknown or resist change (out of fear of it). And fear is a great emotion to exploit to make people act irrationally.

2) Attack education: Facts show the more educated someone is, the less likely they’re going to be conservative. A well-informed electorate is bad news for Republicans.

3) Use a lot of patriotic propaganda: Take it from someone who deals with conservatives constantly, they really do believe liberals hate America and that they’re the beacon of patriotism. Which is ironic considering the only time you really see anyone promote secession from the United States, they’re from the conservative political spectrum. They think flying an American flag at their home, shouting “God bless America” whenever they get the chance and loving guns makes them “patriotic.” But all they’ve done is wrapped a flag around their ignorance while calling it patriotism.

4) Find things to hate: Conservatives hate a lot. Be it immigrants, non-Christian religions, minorities or the poor – they have a seemingly endless list of people or groups they despise. Hate is a great tool that’s often used to unify and justify ignorance.

5) Make themselves into the victim: Whether it’s the media, Hollywood, science, environmentalists, teachers, unions – conservatives are always the ones who it seems the entire world is out to “get.” Well, at least according to them.

6) Promote guns: It never ceases to shock me how Americans are so obsessed with guns. All conservatives had to do was decide that no matter how many thousands of Americans were slaughtered every year by guns – they were going to endlessly promote guns. They’ve managed to convince millions of Americans that when any mention of gun regulations are brought up (even if it’s something as simple as universal background checks) the side pushing for those regulations is filled with anti-American radicals trying to confiscate guns. Usually with some kind of Hitler reference thrown in for good measure.

7) Create catchy talking points: Whether it’s referring to rich people as “job creators,” the infamous “drill baby drill” or the popular gun talking point “the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun, is a good guy with a gun,” it doesn’t matter if what they’re saying makes any sense – as long as it sounds good.

8) Continually repeat your lies: Republicans are masters at making lies seem true. It’s not enough that they just come up with their propaganda, they have to commit to repeating it over and over and over until even non-conservatives aren’t sure what is or isn’t true. You can bet if it’s a talking point pushed by the GOP or Fox News, even if it makes absolutely no sense, conservatives all across this country will soon be repeating it nearly word for word.

9) Use code words to mask prejudice and bigotry: When they say “we need to secure our border,” what they really mean is “we need to stop Mexicans from coming here.” When they say they’re “protecting religious freedom,” what they’re really saying is that “we want to find a legal means to discriminate against homosexuals.” When they claim they’re “protecting women’s health,” what they’re really doing is trying to ban abortions. And when they talk about “welfare abuse,” they really mean “minorities on welfare.”

10) Religion: The most important aspect to all of this. Religion has been proven throughout human history, and even now, to be the best mechanism with which to manipulate people. You tie in religion to a political ideology and you can get people to believe pretty much anything. That’s exactly what Republicans do.

So, group all of this together and we get:

A fearful, false patriot who despises anyone who’s not just like them; devalues education; loves guns; almost always feels like the world is out to get them; who repeats spoon-fed talking points whether or not they even make sense, all while masking their intolerance with code words and justifying all of this because their party is the party fighting for “Christian values.”

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the recipe for creating the typical mindless conservative zombie.

Allen Clifton

Allen Clifton is a native Texan who now lives in the Austin area. He has a degree in Political Science from Sam Houston State University. Allen is a co-founder of Forward Progressives and creator of the popular Right Off A Cliff column and Facebook page. Be sure to follow Allen on Twitter and Facebook, and subscribe to his channel on YouTube as well.


Facebook comments

  • crabjack

    Fear and hate – and put it on a bumper sticker.

  • Jack McGovern

    Don’t forget hating gay people, too.

    Also, remember when that but shot Gabby Gifford’s and killed several others including a little girl who’d been born on 9/11? Who did Sarah Palin I’d as the biggest victim that day? HERSELF…Yikes!!!

    • ProfL

      Isn’t hating gays #4?

      • Stephen Barlow

        AND #9. it was implied because in Texas, what happens on Brokeback Mountain REALLY STAYS on Brokeback mountain!

      • Jack McGovern

        Yes but it wasn’t specifically listed.

      • Howard Sands

        It was specifically listed in #9.

      • Howard Sands

        #4 and #9

  • Mary Sullivan

    Great article…. and from Texas, too!
    Thank you!

  • strayaway

    “When they say “we need to secure our border,” what they really mean is “we need to stop Mexicans from coming here.”

    I picked this out as the most idiotic comment. 1/3 of all illegal aliens are people who came here legally but overstayed their visas – most of them have nothing to do with the Mexican border. Also, since Congress is charged with establishing “an Uniform Rule of Naturalization” and has done so, an annual quota of immigrants from Mexico and other countries exists. No one is suggesting stopping legal Mexican immigrants from coming here. 5.5M Mexicans have been legally allowed to immigrate to the US since 1986. That is about four times as many legal immigrants allowed in than from the next highest quota country. “FY 2014 is the first year in history that Mexicans did not make up the majority of migrants apprehended at the U.S.-Mexico border.” -bipartisanpolicy . org 7% of Mexican border crossers aren’t from either Mexico or Central America in 2013.

    • PAldrighetti

      So what do you think they mean when they keep saying “We need to secure our border”?

      • Stephen Barlow

        That guy DOESN’T think, he cut farts and makes paste to glue his RED ARMY pamphlets into a collage of nonsense just to waste your time with.

        Ask him where he manufactured hi 7% Statistic, and he’ll say “You look it up”.

        one in a great while… he’ll steer you to a hyper mental patient’s conspiracy theory blog that gets like 7 hits a day.

      • strayaway

        Just that. An estimated 350,000 illegal aliens, various drugs, and hopefully no WMD’s or terrorists made it across the border last year. Think of it like this. Residents of an apartment building demand keyed access at their entrance so people who don’t belong in the building won’t be wandering around in the halls, using the laundry, etc.. Maybe I am presumptuous in assuming that you lock your door when you are not home for similar reasons. Doors with locks are borders too.

    • Stephen Barlow

      They GOTTA RAISE TAXES to raise the CAPITAL to FUND the FEDERAL EMPLOYEES to ENFORCE the laws they are suing the President for NOT enforcing because… CONGRESS REFUSES to give him the money!!

    • Sean Jones

      You might have a point (you dont) if they were also talking about securing the border to the north, but they arent. They want the border between Mexico and the US closed. Who lives in Mexico? Mexicans!!

      • strayaway

        Please reread what I wrote. In 2014, so far, more non Mexicans have crossed the Mexican border legally than Mexicans. Coyotes are just as willing to take money from Mid-Easterners, Asians, and Central Americans as Mexicans. There were, about 350,000 successful illegal border crossings from Mexico last year. Setting aside non Mexican illegal aliens who cross the Mexican border, Homeland Security estimates that there are 6.65M Mexican illegal aliens in the US. The Urban Institute estimates “between 65,000 and 75,000 undocumented Canadians currently live illegally in the United States.” So I think that the answer to your question is that there are about 100x as many Mexicans as Canadians living in the US illegally. Related: some of Mohammed Atta crew members were illegal aliens (not ‘undocumented immigrants’) who had passed through Canada and overstayed their visas. This suggests that ‘securing the borders’ has almost as much to do with expired visas as crossing the Rio Grande.

    • Jim Bean

      There are billions of people around the world who would love to come here. Even you would vote to prevent that. The only difference is, you would wait until its far too late.

      • strayaway

        You must have misunderstood me, I am misunderstanding you, or you meant to address someone else. I think there are even too many legal immigrants for the US. Here I am just addressing people who have a soft spot for open borders. Pew research says that at present immigration rates there will be an additional 142 million people in the US in 26 years. 82% of that growth is powered by immigration. No one who claims to be green can support those numbers. That means there will have to be a 45% buildout of infrastructure to accommodate this larger population by 2050.

  • ProfL

    And while people are distracted by all of this, the constant transfer of wealth and welfare from the bottom 99% to the top 1% continues unabated.

  • Stephen Barlow

    Them’s is the hot buttons. What gets Me though, is that there MUST be a genetic DEFECT, anomaly or injury that would make a perfectly useful human being, SUDDENLY become a flag waving, Vote suppressing, Tax evading, hypocrite overnight.

    I mean how ugly would a human get without that DEFECT?

    • ProfL

      Fear is the driving force.

      • Stephen Barlow

        yeah, but from WHAT exactly? Even if I were 5’4″ and 140, No homosexual is gonna complete a pass at me without My permission. So I don’t understand homophobia in 6’4′ Texas Christian Linebacker. Most gay people have flattered me, and taken a polite no without a seconds thought. Except the carpet munchers, who see a man with My appetite as ‘THE CHOMPETITION’!

        I delivered to cash only restaurants in Anacostia DC when it was THE Murder Capital of AMerica. A white guy, in cracktown, with $3-600 in his pocket, walking to his truck , 20 times a day without incident every day for 3 years. Even the old 40oz geezers with one tooth sipping on the steps rarely gave me a notice. People of color don’t scare me. WHY do they terrify those lilywhite Kansublicans?

        ISIL will NEVER cross the Atlantic, you wanna MAKE SURE no one takes your job? Then DO IT BETTER than anyone else. THAT’s REAL job security.

        When was the last breakin in Nucla, CO? 1989. But the town council passed an unconstitutional ordinance making gun ownership Mandatory and not having a gun a jailable offense.
        That lasted a week, but it was on the town councils agenda.

        I just don’t get it. I guess i am THAT MUCH BETTER A MAN than all of ‘THOSE KIND OF PEOPLE’!

      • ProfL

        I think it is fear of the unknown, of differences, of change, of nuance, perhaps internal homoerotic feelings they have convinced themselves are bad. How do I know? The fear is palpable, but not logical.

      • Stephen Barlow

        Popping wood in the shower, alone with your quarterback will sure change the game for you. Particularly if he hands you a wet ball and says, “Wanna practice?” hehehe

        You are right about the logic. I guess all that acid and speed and pot warped My fear nodule and aligned My logic gland with the stars of something. Because that logic stuff comes out of My pores.

    • BoiseBoy

      I think you’re right. My brother-in-law has become a FoxBot, and is convinced that Obama is going to insert a chip in all Americans. He will not have his dog or cat chipped because it is the thin edge of the wedge! He also believes that Newtown was committed deliberately in order to promote gun control. I kid you not. And he has a college degree!

      • Stephen Barlow

        LMAO!!! A CHIP? I actually think genuine sex offenders (not people peeing in the alley) should be chipped in the BONE (you wanna try to fig THAT out? Be My guest!) and tracked 24/7. i know it’s a sickness, but unless you have dated a woman who was raped, you will ENVER understand the terminal damage that foes to her. And for a child it’s 100 times worse.

        WOW! Obama’s UndergroundJungle Army planned it and killed the shooter to cover it up, right? LMAO and they took the chip back!

      • BoiseBoy

        I know. I would be curious to know what the “Help wanted” ad said when they were recruiting a shooter to fill the position.

  • O Dubya

    MOAR whining from libs.

    Democrats only have two problems:

    1. Their policies don’t work

    2. Everybody knows they’re lying about their policies

    • Jack McGovern

      Given your screen name, your response is very comical!

    • How about just a old old fashioned: Fuck You!

    • Estproph

      And you only have one – a low intelligence quotient.

  • Gino Carlos

    My Gosh, you hit the nail right on the head and without missing a hair. This article needs to be read by every single conservative moron there is on the face of this planet. Spread the word!

  • Sandy Greer

    Brains, Brains, Brains. Where’s Steve Brains?

    • Stephen Barlow

      Have you gone all ZOMBIEUBLICAN on Me? He’s gotta rope in his hands with a noose on the end and he’s so so gonna lasso that mare if it’s the last thing he does today. Since I remembered THIS password, I am phasing him out.

      • Sandy Greer

        He can try. Might need help.

      • Stephen Barlow

        Have you gone all ZOMBIEUBLICAN on Me? Like the cartoon in the article?

      • Sandy Greer

        Reminded me of your better half.

      • Stephen Barlow

        I have so many better halves. Most prefer my left loaf of Wonderbread, but most likely because the guest side of the bed is by the door.

      • Sandy Greer

        Cool. Makes for a quick getaway.

      • Stephen Barlow

        Bwock Bwock. I don’t even know which house on the block is yours….

      • Sandy Greer

        Struck from guest lists. Go figure.

  • libssukkalot

    How’s the architect of Obama Care calling Democrat voters “stupid” setting in for you all?

    • Stephen Barlow

      ROMNEY had a hard on in public over the Election, but he DOES know the voters ARE stupid.

      • libssukkalot

        Hehehe…digging in history there Sheep?

  • Leaning Blue

    Conservatives hate everyone, I think they even hate themselves. And while I think it’s important to call out the crazies, I also think it’s important to cal ot liberals. Yes, conservatives are mindless zombies that vote against their own interests but at least they get out and vote. What do liberals and independents do? They don’t vote. And in my opinion. that’s the same as voting against your own interests because as we just saw, not voting is a win for the republican party. Several people have mentioned that voting for liberal policies while voting for republicans is a misinformed public, and while I totally agree with that, who’s fault is it? It’s not republicans because lying is what they need to do to win so you can’t really blame them. The fault lies with the democratic party for it’s inability to get their message out to the American people. When did they ever push back on republican lies during the midterms? Not nearly enough. The democrats are horrible at messaging and at pushing back on republicans’ lies and misinformation. Now, I understand that some dems were running tough races in red states but that’s still no excuse to completely run away from the president. Just a simple “while I don’t agree with all his policies” and then go on to list his most important achievements that many people have benefited from, could of made a big difference. I really hope they grow a spine otherwise they will continue to lose.

  • Stephen Barlow

    Let’s all hope a totally RED legislature can get th VETS what they earned from the VA. STOP the F-35 and spend that money on the troops who NEED it!!

  • BruceMajors

    I smell projection. And the desperation of moronic losers.

  • Andrew Norman

    The comment section support the author’s point. The anonymity of the internet unfortunately enables the most hateful of us to avoid the asocial aspect of expressing hatred and ignorance. As a student of history (unfortunately rare in this world), the conservative tea party reminds me of the Catholic Church in the Dark Ages. The people kept them in power too. At any moment the people could have ended it; rather they muttered along in misery for hundreds of years. I bet half of the people on this comment section didn’t even vote. I pray for a day when compassion and sanity are restored to our country, which now seems to be a bastion of ignorance and hatred.

  • Rod Prather

    To begin with, you must START with a small mind. One that has no concepts of economic or higher math. One that lacks training in Logic or Philosophy. Then you can train that mind to follow this idiotic, illogical transit. One thing was missed.. You must tell these people that everyone else is evil and they have to reject EVERY MESSAGE but theirs. It’s the “WE ARE GOD” statement of FOX NEWS. CNN, MSNBC and CBS are liberal messengers of lies and socialism.