A President’s Day Message From The GOP (VIDEO)

An undated photo of Ronald Reagan playing golf. Image via AP.

An undated photo of Ronald Reagan playing golf. Image via AP.

Happy President’s Day. We, your GOP leaders, are writing you today to inform you of an important change to this holiday. As you can see from our greeting, we have changed the name of Presidents’ Day to President’s Day. We feel this most important of days, after Veterans’ Day, Mothers’ Day, the first day of CPAC and Reince Priebus’s birthday, should honor only the greatest president in our nation’s history. And that president is Ronald Reagan. Yes, we have had other okay presidents, like Lincoln, and perhaps George W. Bush, but every red-blooded, patriotic conservative knows the best president to ever govern was Ronald Reagan.

Thus, we are introducing a bill when we get back from another vacation on your dime we return from recess entitled “Rename Presidents’ Day President’s Day to Honor Ronald Reagan.” The GOP has spoken with the GAO and the CBO, and we believe this change will only cost the American taxpayers $56 billion or so. The most expensive part would be the calendars. Every calendar has today as Presidents’ Day, and it will not be cheap to rewrite all of them. Heck, that’s a small price to pay to give homage to Ronald Reagan, the man who ended communism and single-handedly tore down the Great Wall of China Berlin Wall.

Can you imagine if Ronald Reagan was president today, instead of that uppity, urban thug? We would have nuked Iran already, ISIS would be nothing but a smoking pile of bones, gas would be $1 a gallon, and there would be a Chrysler in every garage. Women could stay home and bake cakes, every man would have a job, gay people would understand that’s not a real thing, and it would only rain from 1 AM to 4 Am every day, so as not to interfere with the work or school day. We would be a Christian nation, with mandatory church attendance, and Bible study on Wednesdays. Ronald Reagan did amazing things for this formerly great country, and given that we are working with scientists to reanimate him, it is imperative that we get President’s Day up and running.

Our 6-step plan is simple. Step 1: Change the name to President’s Day. Step 2: Watch that “Wonder Woman” episode where the Nazis bring Hitler back to life, and figure out how to make that work with Reagan. Step 3: Reanimate Reagan. Step 4: Run Reagan as our GOP 2016 presidential candidate. Step 5: Find some freedom fighters, because Reagan loves freedom fighters. Step 6: We’re working on step 6, but never fear-it will be paid for with your money.

Once Ronald Reagan is president again, the world will be a safer place. No more Muslim terrorists, no more atheism, no more gay people, and no more feminism. Women will remember their place, and if they don’t, Phyllis Schlafly’s Boot Camp will set them on the right path. Ronald Reagan and Mrs. Schlafly will work together to end the threat of feminism forever, while outlawing abortion, contraception, sex-ed, and pornography sexual harassment training. After all, the workplace was happier when male bosses could tell their secretaries what nice bosoms they have.

So, that’s our plan for President’s Day. We hope you like it, because you’re paying for it. We will get on this as soon as we try to overturn Obamacare for the 412th time, try to make abortion after 20 weeks illegal again, repeal the minimum wage, give more tax breaks to rich people, and try to turn the United States into a Christian theocracy. All of this is in preparation for the return of Ronald Reagan; God knows he wouldn’t recognize this great nation now. White police officers fearing for their lives from giant black teenagers on the pot, armed with burning cigarillos, women making almost as much money as men, electric cars made in France, gay marriage, healthcare for everyone. No. We cannot allow liberal fascist communist atheist baby-killers to turn our country into a secular cesspool, riddled with anarchist intellectuals, hellbent on taking our children and indoctrinating them into thinking for themselves.

Please feel free to contact your representatives about our idea for President’s Day. We wish we could change it to Ronald Reagan Day, but that would be too expensive. As it is, we’re going to have to perform some pretty intense surgery and other medical stuff (details aren’t important, but she’ll look 30 again!) on Nancy Reagan to get her ready to be First Lady again, and that’s not cheap.

Happy President’s Day!

Your GOP, except for Boehner, because he’s a pussy.

Erin Nanasi

Erin Nanasi is the creator of The Bachmann Diaries: Satirical Excerpts from Michele Bachmann's Fictional Diary. She hates writing about herself in the third person. Erin enjoys reading, writing, and spending time with family. And wombats. Come visit Erin on on Facebook. She also can be found on Twitter at @WriterENanasi.


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