A Very Important Notice as to how Gay Marriage affects your Heterosexual Marriage

holding-handsWith the Supreme Court striking down Prop 8 and the “Defense of Marriage Act,” I feel it is necessary to inform you as to how these and future rulings will have an affect on you and your heterosexual marriage. What I am going to tell you is very important and you should heed these words carefully.

Actually, unless your name is Michele Bachmann or another crazed religious right whackjob that somehow managed to rope a closeted, self-loathing gay person into a loveless marriage, it will have zero impact on your relationship. Zero. Nil. Nada. Zilch.

Let’s face it — unless you’re a member of the most radical right-wing faction who wants to impose a Christian version of the Taliban’s theocracy on everyone else, my cousin Adam’s marriage to his lifelong partner Steve should not be any threat to you. Yes, I do have a cousin named Adam and he is married to a delightful, caring guy named Steve. Our family is well aware of the cliché, and the liberal ones think it is awesome and hilarious at the same time.

For the conservative and “libertarian” people who complain about “government overreach and intrusion,” if you can’t get behind the movement for equal rights, you may not necessarily be a bigot but you are most certainly a hypocrite. You can’t kvetch about the government taking away your Constitutional rights if you support discrimination and laws legislating what consenting adults can or can not do in their bedrooms or on the “free market.” Look, you don’t have to like it if that isn’t your thing and nobody is saying that you should have to march in a Pride parade. I’m pretty sure they’ll be OK with you just staying home and minding your own business.

America is moving forward, with or without you. Nobody is saying you have to get on the right side of history, but like those who opposed integration 50 years ago, you have to decide how you want your grandchildren to judge you a few decades from now. There is no “slippery slope,” as some like Rand Paul and Mike Huckabee have tried to suggest in the past week. Rand Paul absurdly suggested, “Does it have to be humans?” Of course it does, idiot. Then we have Huckabee most recently suggesting, “If we’re determined to change the definition of marriage… because of their mutual consent, then we should immediately release those incarcerated for practicing polygamy or bigamy.”

What is it about two loving, consenting adult human beings that these people just don’t understand?

As Bill Maher has said, “Gay marriage won’t lead to dog marriage. It is not a slippery slope to rampant inter-species coupling. When women got the right to vote, it didn’t lead to hamsters voting. No court has extended the Equal Protection Clause to salmon. And for the record, all marriages are same sex marriages. You get married, and every night it’s the same sex.”

Maybe it’s time these people stop worrying so much about gay and lesbian couples getting married, and start worrying more about why they harbor such hatred for those who have done them no harm.

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