Aaron Miller is Minnesota’s newest Creationist Congressional Candidate

yt_miller_140408iAaron Miller is running for congress in the great state of Minnesota. Does Mr. Miller want to tackle tough issues like unemployment, taxes, or the environment? Of course not. Aaron Miller is running for congress because his daughter was “forced” to learn about evolution in school, and dammit, that’s just not right. Mr. Miller also wants to make the ACA go away, and somehow reduce the deficit while doing that, but his main issue is with evolution.

Aaron Miller has told this story before, about his daughter’s biology teacher sadly stating she doesn’t believe in evolution either, but the big, bad government makes her teach it. Interestingly, Mr. Miller has received an endorsement that for many in Minnesota’s 1st District translates into gold: Allen Quist. My favorite Queen of Godlandia, Michele Bachmann, absolutely adores Allen Quist, which makes sense, given that they both are obsessed with gay sex, and believe people and dinosaurs lived together.

Once upon a time, Allen Quist was a Minnesota state representative, working tirelessly against sodomy. He worked with Michele Bachmann to take down Minnesota’s state curriculum standards, because (and this is true), he and Shelly were of the opinion those standards were:

…a gateway to a totalitarian society built on moral relativism.

Quist also compared a gay counseling clinic in Mankato to the Ku Klux Klan, and went undercover in an adult bookstore, and a gay bathhouse. He was allegedly trying to “prove” to a local reporter that they had become a “haven for anal intercourse.” I swear to you, I am not making this up. Allen Quist also believes with his whole heart and soul that humans coexisted with dinosaurs, in Southeast Asia, as late as the 11th century. Oh, and abortion should be a felony.

And now, we have Aaron Miller, anti-evolution Iraq war veteran, staunch enemy of the ACA, running against Tim Walz, a blue dog Democrat who gets an A rating from the NRA, and garnered their endorsement in 2012. The 1st District is blue, but there are portions of the district that are laden with elderly, angry, fundamentalist Christian white people. I know because I live in one. Dotted throughout the farms, and strip malls, and boarded up K-Marts, are seriously right wing, seriously pissed off Minnesotans. A fake “crisis pregnancy center” sponsors the local shuttle bus, billboards claiming a fetus has fingerprints nine weeks after conception dot the landscape, and everywhere you go, someone is railing against people like me.

I’ve heard a man screaming how Obama shouldn’t be president because he didn’t serve in Vietnam. In eighth grade, our son was waiting for gym class to start, and overheard other students saying how “cool” it would be if snipers were positioned above the bleachers, and shot the president as he walked into the building. During the Steubenville, Ohio rape case, a woman sitting next to me at the salon told her manicurist this sort of thing wouldn’t happen if girls didn’t get themselves all “tarted up.” Yes, President Obama should have volunteered for Vietnam when he was six years old, eighth graders want to see the president killed, and women get raped because we get “tarted up.” Seriously, Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?

Tim Walz is in trouble, because he supports marriage equality. During the fight for equality, the pro-“traditional marriage” lawn signs outnumbered the pro-equality signs by about 20:1. People put “Marriage=1 Man, 1 Woman” stickers on their cars, their front doors, their pets, their kids, you name it. When we passed marriage equality, folks here cried, and not out of happiness. Michele Bachmann was extremely miserable, taking to Twitter to thank her twits for working hard to keep marriage between one woman and her ambiguously gay husband:

I’m proud to have introduced the original traditional marriage amendment, and I thank Minnesotans who have worked so hard on this issue.

Walz won in 2012, because he was up against (wait for it) Bathhouse Boy Allen Quist. Aaron Miller is a different candidate than Quist in that he’s not completely batshit insane. As far as we know, Aaron Miller is not obsessed with “anal intercourse” or adult bookstores. He is a tad bit whiny about creationism, but given our two state senators are Democrats, and our governor is a Democrat, it is my sincere belief public schools won’t be teaching the Miller-Bachmann-Quist version of how we got here.

You know the adage about choosing the lesser of two evils? That’s the 1st District this year. Tim Walz, a blue dog Democrat loved by the NRA, or Aaron Miller, a guy who hates the ACA, and doesn’t believe in evolution. Given that many conservatives in the 1st District feel betrayed by Tim Walz because he supported HOMO MARRIAGE, this election may end up seeing another creationist elected to public office in Minnesota. This state used to be cool. We had Prince, First Avenue, Husker Du, my all-girl Catholic high school got The Replacements to play at our first coed dance. We’re still cool, but if the 1st District elects Aaron Miller this November, well, that’ll be a hard sell. Hey, yeah, we’re still awesome Minnesota, home of the loon and lutefisk and Garrison Keillor, and okay, we’ve got Bachmann and now this Miller guy, but let’s go see all the landmarks from “Purple Rain” and “Grumpy Old Men!”

Grumpy old men. Funny in a movie, not in a voting booth.

Erin Nanasi

Erin Nanasi is the creator of The Bachmann Diaries: Satirical Excerpts from Michele Bachmann's Fictional Diary. She hates writing about herself in the third person. Erin enjoys reading, writing, and spending time with family. And wombats. Come visit Erin on on Facebook. She also can be found on Twitter at @WriterENanasi.


Facebook comments