With Christmas quickly approaching, I thought I’d have a little fun. After all, politics is often such a serious business we need a moment of levity now and again, don’t we? Plus I think with as much of a circus as the 2016 GOP presidential primary has been, I thought it might be nice to suggest a few gift ideas for these candidates who try their best each and every day to make the United States look like a bunch of bumbling, bigoted idiots.
Well, let’s get started!
Lindsey Graham: He already traded in his 1% in the polls for a ticket back to the Senate to help the Republican establishment defeat Trump. That’s the only gift Graham is getting.
George Pataki: What do you give the candidate who looks at the polls and wishes that they were doing as well as Lindsey Graham – a man who just dropped out of the race? How about a clue. As in, drop out already and stop wasting our time.
Rick Santorum: What Santorum needs for Christmas is a time machine to go back to 2012 when he came in second place to Mitt Romney as opposed to his current position as potentially the next candidate to drop out of the race.
Mike Huckabee: I would get Huckabee a real version of the Bible and several lessons on the true values of Jesus Christ. Whatever hateful, radical, gun-loving, greedy assh*le Huckabee thinks Jesus Christ would be clearly isn’t the same person I’ve learned about as a Christian.
John Kasich: Can someone just give this guy a hug? Anyone? Every time I see him at a debate he looks like someone whose soul has been destroyed by Trump.
Carly Fiorina: How about a job? She got fired from HP, failed in her bid to become a senator and seems unable to lie her way into the White House – can someone just get her a job? She’s clearly crying out here, people. Maybe she can become CEO of Dell. That way she can run two of the largest tech companies into the ground.
Rand Paul: Here’s another candidate I almost feel sorry for. Like Jeb Bush, he’s riding on the coattails of his last name – and failing miserably. Let’s get him the entire collection of Ayn Rand’s greatest hits so he can get inspired for his next failed bid for the presidency, likely in 2020.
Chris Christie: For Christmas, this guy definitely needs a few new talking points. Come on, Chris. Can you please… please form a response at a debate without mentioning:
- Hillary Clinton’s name.
- The fact that you were a prosecutor.
Oh, and a shovel. Apparently he wants to dig up the long-deceased King Hussein of Jordan to tell him he would be his ally. You know, if he hadn’t been dead since 1999.
Jeb Bush: I think what he needs for Christmas is a giant neuralyzer, like in the movie Men in Black. That way he could use it to erase the memory of every American so that we would all forget that he actually thought another Bush was going to get elected to the White House, and he could drop out of the race without anyone remembering how absolutely awful he’s been as a presidential candidate.
Ben Carson: First, this guy definitely needs a Red Bull, he’s obviously very sleepy. But what he could really use for Christmas is all the years of experience he would need to actually be remotely qualified to run for president. The fact that this guy was polling second for several weeks despite being completely oblivious to reality is astounding.
Marco Rubio: Obviously, we must make sure he’s hydrated at all times. We’ve seen what happens when he’s not. Ultimately, what he also needs is for someone to take Ted Cruz out of the race. While these two candidates born of Cuban immigrants are in an intense battle to prove who can hate immigrants the most, there’s only room in this race for one candidate with Cuban ancestry. And thus far, that Cuban seems to be Cruz.
Ted Cruz: Can someone get this guy a spine? Then maybe build him a Donald Trump fan website that he could run and moderate? There’s showing other candidates mutual respect like we’ve seen between Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders, then there’s a candidate being an absolute coward like Cruz has been toward Trump. Sure, he has no problem taking shots at him in private, when he thinks no one will find out – but he goes out of his way to avoid the wrath of “The Donald” in public. I’ve never seen a presidential candidate who’s literally scared of one of his opponents before now.
Donald Trump: First, this guy definitely needs a serving of humility. He takes being arrogant to levels I’ve never witnessed. This is someone who spends half his time on Twitter bragging about his poll numbers. Second, he needs a crash course on reality and truth-telling since he can’t seem to get his thoughts to correlate with either of them. Finally, he needs a thesaurus. He’s a 69-year-old college graduate with the vocabulary of a 4th grader. Everything out of his mouth is “loser,” “wonderful,” “stupid,” “fabulous,” or “pathetic.” Donald Trump is an absolute embarrassment to this country.
Well, there you have the Allen Clifton version of Santa’s “naughty list,” folks. I could have gotten more vulgar (trust me, some of these candidates really deserve it) but I decided to keep it PG.
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