An Open Letter To Idaho State Rep. Vito Barbieri

Vito Barbieri 1Dear Representative Vito Barbieri,

Hale and good morrow, sir. Today is Tuesday, February 24, 2015. The date, especially the year, is paramount to this missive, given your recent comments on lady parts. You, a state representative for the great state of Idaho, asked an actual doctor if…well, rather than try to paraphrase, let’s just actualphrase, shall we?



Ahem:

Can this same procedure then be done in a pregnancy? Swallowing a camera and helping the doctor determine what the situation is?

Rep. Barbarino, you seem confused as to what is connected to what inside a woman’s body. Now, it must be noted that you were speaking about colonoscopies prior to taking a violent right turn at the lower intestine, and somehow winding up in the uterus. So, in order to give you the information you so desperately need, allow me to offer some books that might help with your confusion. Also, you might want to resign your position on the board of that crisis pregnancy center. Yes, we all know crisis pregnancy centers are about as dishonest as possible, but at the very least, the people who make decisions for one should understand basic anatomy. Let’s start with books for kids. Take it slow, if you will. Start small, and move up to medical treatises, information from OBGYNs, Latin words. Rep. Booboo, you might want to sit down, perhaps have your receptionist grab a bottle of smelling salts. Ready?

*Where Did I Come From? The subtitle of this book is “The facts of life without any nonsense and with illustrations.” This would be perfect for you, Mr. Babirusa; you seem like a no-nonsense kind of guy who really needs pictures to help you grasp the most basic concepts of reproduction. You can order it here, and since the paperback is less than $10, you could pay for it yourself, rather than bill the Idaho taxpayers.

*My First Body Book. Written for kids ages 4-8, this book covers basic anatomy, including “…where each part belongs, how it functions, and why it’s needed.” Also has illustrations. 

*Guts: Our Digestive System. Guts is part of the Kids Human Body Books series by Seymour Simon. The New York Times calls Simon “the dean of children’s science writers.” The reading level is age 4-8 as well, making it perfect for the state representative who thinks the vagina is connected to the stomach.

*My First Human Body Book. Patricia Wynne and Donald Silver have written a coloring book for youngsters that also teaches! It is used by homeschooling parents, and given your staunch conservatism, you’ll probably love it. Make sure you head over to Hobby Lobby for a box of crayons.

Now that you have a few suggestions with which to start, let’s move on to books written for teens.

*The Reproductive System. According to Google Books, Kara Rogers’ book is a “comprehensive narrative,” that “details both the biological process of procreation and the often divisive debates on how best to approach matters related to the human body.” The only review states the font is large enough to read. I’m not sure if The Reproductive System contains pictures. The book, not the actual reproductive system. Although, there’s that camera theory…

*The Female Reproductive System. Part of the Girls Health series, The Female Reproductive System is intended for girls, age 11 and up. It is available on Amazon.com, in numerous formats, including library binding.

*The “What’s Happening To My Body?” Book for Girls. To be honest, this one might be hard for you to handle, Rep. Barbieri; it deals with birth control and ESS EEE EX. But the overview tells me this is a book you need to read. Have an airsick bag nearby, and wear your cilice-you’ll be fine.



Finally, because I think you’re ready for some adult information, book written by doctors about lady parts. Do you have Todd Akin on speed dial?

*Hacker and Moore’s Essentials of Obstetrics and Gynecology. From the overview:

Get guidance on evaluation, diagnosis, and management of a wide range of obstetric and gynecologic disorders from the most comprehensive and concise reference on the subject. The 5th Edition of this popular and practical resource features additional clinical photos and material on vaccination and disease prevention. The full-color design with illustrations and photographs complement the text. Access the full text online, along with an additional image gallery, case studies, and online note-taking via Student Consult for a better learning experience.

Rep. Bahadur, this is the book for you. Illustrations! Photos! Learning! It’s a tad bit more expensive (used price starts at $24), but it’s worth it.

My final suggestion doesn’t require you to leave the comfort of your office-it’s a Merck Manual. The Merck Manual of Diagnosis and Therapy is the world’s best-selling medical textbook, first published in 1899. Thanks to the internet, lay persons can now find many Merck Manuals online, including one entitled “Female Internal Genital Organs.” Only one illustration, but the language is very descriptive. You’ll catch on in no time.

Rep. Baragouin, I hope this list of resources helps you learn about anatomy, especially female anatomy. After all, if you, as a conservative male politician, wish to continue your control of our bodies and lady parts, it would be good if you could learn a bit more about them. These are just suggestions to help you avoid another awkward “If a lady swallows a camera, will it end up in her hoohah?” question. The important thing is to learn, Rep. Billabong, to grow as a person, and to understand that things a woman swallowed do not end up in her vajayjay.

Good luck, sir, and enjoy your reading!


Erin Nanasi

Erin Nanasi is the creator of The Bachmann Diaries: Satirical Excerpts from Michele Bachmann's Fictional Diary. She hates writing about herself in the third person. Erin enjoys reading, writing, and spending time with family. And wombats. Come visit Erin on on Facebook. She also can be found on Twitter at @WriterENanasi.

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