An(other) Open Letter to Conservatives

rush-limbaugh-readingDear Conservatives.

Hey, how you guys doing? Erin Nanasi here – liberal, wife, mom, writer, cat lover, satirist. The reason I’m writing you today is to share a few observations, and hopefully enlighten at least a few of you to what’s really going on in the conservative party. Now I realize you’d rather drink battery acid than listen to anything I have to say, but it is my sincere hope that at least a few conservatives turn off their BENGHAZIABORTIONIRSNAZIS channel, and pay attention.

We’ll start with Benghazi. Did you know that under George W. Bush, we had seven embassy attacks, with ten Americans killed? Do you know how many congressional hearings were launched in response to those seven attacks? None. Have you ever heard about what happened in Beirut, while your hero, Ronald Reagan, was president? How a suicide bomber killed 241 members of our Armed Services? Do you know what Ronald Reagan did in response to that vicious attack? He invaded Grenada. No outrage, no cries for his impeachment; in fact, he soundly won reelection based on the “success” of that invasion.

Speaking of George W. Bush, conservatives, do you know about this memo? On August 6, 2001, Bush was vacationing at his ranch in Texas, when he received a memo entitled “Bin Laden Determined to Strike in U.S.” He did nothing. Zip. That’s not all. Six months after the horrors of September 11, 2001, George W. Bush answered a question about whether capturing Bin Laden was important with this:

Who knows if he’s hiding in some cave or not. We haven’t heard from him in a long time. The idea of focusing on one person really indicates to me people don’t understand the scope of the mission. Terror is bigger than one person. He’s just a person who’s been marginalized…I don’t know where he is. I really don’t spend that much time on him, to be honest with you.

What’s truly interesting about that quote, and how out of touch many of you conservatives seem to be with reality, is what your fellow conservatives have to say about George W. Bush. From Rudy Guiliani, who was mayor of New York on 9/11:

We had no domestic attacks under Bush. We’ve had one under Obama.

New York Post columnist Michael Goodwin wrote:

Obama often complains about the problems he inherited from George W. Bush, but he also inherited a record of zero successful attacks on America after 9/11. If Islamic terrorists succeed on his watch, he can’t blame Bush.

And Monica Crowley, Fox “News” Talent, made this astonishing statement on Bill O’Reilly’s program in 2010:

Look, after 9/11, President Bush and Vice President Cheney had a 100 percent perfect track record in keeping the homeland safe from an Islamic terrorist attack.

I guess the terrorist attacks of September 11, and those seven embassy attacks, were successes?

You conservatives also seem a wee bit confused about we women folk. From your nonstop rhetoric, bizarre misunderstanding of basic biology, and belief that life begins at conception, but ends at birth if you’re poor or a minority, you just don’t get it. Let’s parse this out together, okay? First, there is no such thing as “legitimate rape,” no matter what Todd Akin or Bryan Fischer say. Rape is rape. And all those Nazi experiments some conservatives were quoting to bolster this “legitimate rape” claim? They never happened. If a woman is raped, she can get pregnant.

Birth control seems to confuse the living hell out of conservatives. Take Rush Limbaugh. Please. Rush thinks the Pill is like Viagra: you take a Pill every time you have sex. Wrong, wrong, and wrong. Here’s some info on the Pill for conservatives. Go ahead, it won’t bite, click the link. Moving onto biology, it would seem that you don’t quite grasp the role of sperm in the whole baby-making experience, because I don’t see a big push against condoms. Nor did Hobby Lobby’s stupid effing whine fest lawsuit contain one mention of vasectomies. This leads me to believe you think women get pregnant by magic. Trust me when I tell you, it ain’t magic. You need sperm and egg to conceive. MEN have SPERM. Where’s all the conservative poutrage over Trojan, or snipping of those sperm tubes? Crickets.

We’ll end this missive, oh dear conservatives, on a gayer note. Marriage equality! Letting two men who love each other, or two women who love each other get hitched will not destroy this country, no matter what Michele Bachmann says. Our rivers will not turn to blood, frogs will not rain down from the sky, dogs and cats will not start living together. We will be fine. If your marriage is so tenuous that my gay friends saying “I Do” will break it up, that’s all you. Michael Sam smooching his adorable beau on television will not turn your kids LGBT. Nothing will turn your kids LGBT; they either are, or they’re not. There is no gay agenda, there are no Homo Demons™, and stop screaming about gay people while watching porn. Seriously, stop it.

You might feel emboldened by recent polls that state young people are pretty meh about the November election. Here’s the thing: we have six months to show those voters how important this election is. In that same amount of time, your conservative representatives, pundits, and media outlets are just going to become more ignorant, more unstable, and frankly, even weirder.

See you at the polls.

Erin Nanasi

Erin Nanasi is the creator of The Bachmann Diaries: Satirical Excerpts from Michele Bachmann's Fictional Diary. She hates writing about herself in the third person. Erin enjoys reading, writing, and spending time with family. And wombats. Come visit Erin on on Facebook. She also can be found on Twitter at @WriterENanasi.


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