The Bachmann Diaries: What I’ll Do When I Retire

michele-bachmann-insaneDear Diary;

Oh my gosh, I had the best time on “Home and Family” last Monday! The whole show was about me, which makes sense, because they were doing crafts for a TEA PARTY! We had so much fun. A very nice black man taught us how to make a centerpiece out of old plates and glue, then the main host, Christina Ferraro, let me show the world my napkin folding skills. Diary, you remember I took that napkin folding class when Marcus and I first moved to Minnesota. I told the show I did that to meet people, but the real reason was Marcus wanted me to be more domestic, like him. He can’t fold a napkin to save his life!

My appearance on “Home and Family” also included cooking. I made my super famous Apple Pancakes. One of the other hosts pointed out how amazing I was, because I cooked for all our foster children, and our normal children. That was sort of true. I did supervise all the cooks, along with the maid. The recipe for my delicious Apple Pancakes is on the website, and they are so yummy! I got to show off my knife skills, and everyone loved the pancakes. It was such a wonderful day, and it got me thinking about what I will do when I retire from Congress.

Diary, I love working with people, but I can’t just go into any career. After all, I am a world famous politician, and any job I take, the rest of the staff will be super jealous of how much people love me. So, I prayed about it last night, while Marcus and Tyrone were waxing Marcus’s back. Tyrone has been a Godsend, Diary-Marcus desperately needs a personal assistant, especially one in such good shape. Hopefully, Tyrone will encourage Marcus to exercise more! Sorry, back to my new career choices. White Jesus told me I need to do something that spreads the message of conservative Christianity, while maintaining my stunning good looks. Manual labor is out, as is anything in rural areas. Yes, I garden, but I don’t want to go to Africa and dig wells. That’s work.

In a fit of silliness, I thought about applying to run Jim Graves’ hotel in Minneapolis. How funny would that be? He lost to me, twice, and I could buy his hotel from him. Marcus says we can’t afford it, but I think if I call my best friend, Donald Trump, he would help me do it. Anyway, here are some ideas for my next career.

1) Talk show host. I would call it “Michelle’s Show,” and have famous conservatives on. We would cook, and chat, and talk about the Bible. Maybe have my dear friend Janet Boynes on, to talk about how simple it is to stop being a HOMO.

2) Movie star. This would be perfect for me. All I would have to do is memorize things, and David Koch says I am super good at that. I already have perfect hair, skin, and teeth, so how hard would it be? All my Tweeter fans would love to see me in the movies!

3) Wedding planner. Oh my gosh, I love weddings. I would become a fabulous wedding planner, only for real couples of course. No HOMO weddings, ever. I am so disgusted by how many states in this country are embracing Satan. I wouldn’t plan a wedding for Satanists, either. Christians only.

4) Lawyer. Technically, I am a lawyer. I don’t know very much about laws and courts and that sort of thing, but I do know that I love the First Amendment (for conservatives) and the Second Amendment. And Holy God. Those poor people from Open Carry Texas need a good lawyer who understands Holy God gives us the right to own as many guns as we want, so we can shoot brown people defend against Obama’s TYRANNY!.

5) Clothes buyer. Diary, I love shopping, and I am always perfectly dressed. I could work for celebrities like Chuck Norris, or Victoria Jackson (I LOVE HER!), and buy their clothes for them. Flying all over the world, meeting with famous designers, and making other people pay for it. Other than the designer part, it would be just like Congress!

6) Queen of Godlandia! Diary, I am still not sure if I will run for Queen in 2016, but if I do, I will win, and then the USA will be back on the right path of conservative Christian values, Minority Island, HOMO Island, the Registry for Fertile Women, and White Jesus. Amen!

Oh! This weekend is Memorial Day! I love three day weekends, and even though Tyrone and Marcus are spending tonight at some country bar in the Cities called The Saloon, I think we’ll have a great weekend. Some of our kids might stop by, so I better go learn their names.

Hugs and Kisses-Michele Bachmann, perfect at whatever I do!

Erin Nanasi

Erin Nanasi is the creator of The Bachmann Diaries: Satirical Excerpts from Michele Bachmann's Fictional Diary. She hates writing about herself in the third person. Erin enjoys reading, writing, and spending time with family. And wombats. Come visit Erin on on Facebook. She also can be found on Twitter at @WriterENanasi.


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