The Bachmann Diaries: Immigrants From Belarus Hate The Constitution!

michele-bachmann-insaneDear Diary,

First, it wasn’t Putin’s dog, thank Holy God. We think it was a stray that came to Moscow to escape the dog catchers in Sochi. Or a bear. Marcus went to the zoo late one afternoon, and when he came back, he said he’d seen a Russian bear. He was so excited! I asked him if there were any pictures of him riding the bear, and Marcus said he hoped not. He’s so silly.

I went on the radio! I love going on the radio, especially with one of my dearest friends, Ben Shapiro from Breitbart news. Ben is super sweet, and he and Marcus always tell me I have a face for radio. Anyway, we were talking about Obamacare, and I pointed out that some of the technical things had been sent to people in Belarus. Like social security numbers, people’s health information, their addresses, everything! Belarus is in Russia used to be in Russia, and we all know what that means. Russian hackers are right now, at this moment, looking up conservatives’ addresses to come to America and keep them from getting health insurance.

Then we talked about immigration. Diary, I betcha if we had hordes of white, Christian, straight, patriotic conservatives coming to our shores, the way it should be, Obummer wouldn’t be so thrilled about amnesty. He’d build an electric fence around this great nation to keep those wonderful people out. You know who comes here? Mexicans, who love the government, and Chinese people, who love the government. And all those Mexicans and Chinese people hate our Constitution. So do all those Russian hackers from Belarus.

Diary, we are in so much trouble. We have all these people coming to America, and the first thing they do is apply for food stamps, free health care, welfare, and steal all our jobs. There are so many unemployed white people, and these illegal immigrants come here on their boats, or dragged through the desert on a coyote, and boom, no jobs for real Americans. And this is all happening because the fake president of the United States was raised by commies and Marxists.

Glenn Beck told his fans that technology will be the end of civilization as we know it, and I think he’s right. I was driving to Marcus’s clinic the other day and almost hit some teenage boy who was texting on his phone. He had the nerve to glare at me. He had one of those rainbow shirts on, and if he hadn’t been so mean, I would have offered him a ride to the clinic. Obviously, he was a HOMO, and Marcus could have cured him super fast, maybe in time for prom!

Marcus sort of agrees with me about technology. But he has this one app on his phone that he really loves. It’s called Grindr, and it downloads music and videos. Marcus says he uses it when he can’t sleep, and goes for his late night walks. His favorite music is a band I’ve never heard of called Frankie goes to Hollywood. He also likes Queen. They have that song that’s played at football games.

Well, I have a lot of work to do on my hair, plus Clay Aiken is running for congress, so I’m helping Renee Elmers come up with slogans and catchy phrases. That San Francisco comment was my idea. Conservatives will never vote for a HOMO. I mean it’s one thing to cheat on your wife with hookers, because you can pray to Jesus, be forgiven – and get reelected.

I wish I wasn’t quitting retiring, but I have a feeling I will need all my time to come up with better ways to become Queen of Godlandia in 2016. Supposedly, Paul Ryan is the favorite, and his eyes are so pretty, he might just win. Maybe I should get contacts. Marcus even thinks Paul Ryan is handsome, and when he told Paul that, Paul looked really uncomfortable. That’s what I love about Marcus-being around other men never makes him nervous. Unless I’m around, but I think that’s because he doesn’t want me to ever feel second best. He’s such a good bestie husband.

Diary, I am going to pray for an hour or so, then flagellate myself with one of Marcus’s belts. It really helps me focus on how special Jesus is, plus the bloodletting helps get the vodka out of my system.

Hugs and kisses, Queen Michele, future ruler of Godlandia!

Erin Nanasi

Erin Nanasi is the creator of The Bachmann Diaries: Satirical Excerpts from Michele Bachmann's Fictional Diary. She hates writing about herself in the third person. Erin enjoys reading, writing, and spending time with family. And wombats. Come visit Erin on on Facebook. She also can be found on Twitter at @WriterENanasi.

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