The Bachmann Diaries: We Love Ralph Hall!

michele-bachmann-insaneDear Diary,

I am endorsing Ralph Hall for Congress in the great state of Texas. Marcus thinks Ralph is too old, but I think he’s adorable. Yes, he’s around 90 or something, but our old people can teach us a lot about the world. Diary, he sold cigarettes to Bonnie and Clyde! They were liberal bank robbers and killers back in the early 1900’s. It’s amazing that Ralph not only met them, but remembers meeting them. He is really old.

Ralph and I agree with John Boehner’s decision to keep investigating Bengazarra Benghazi. The four Americans who died there were murdered by this socialist, fascist, Nazi administration, and frankly, I think Obama and Hillary Clinton and John Kerry should all be in jail. Do I know the names of those four brave Americans? No, but neither does anyone else committed to finding out the truth behind what happened that awful night in Lithuania Libya. We shouldn’t have had an embassy there, because if we hadn’t, the cuts we made to embassy security wouldn’t have mattered. Too bad Obama keeps opening embassies in countries where there are religious extremists, like North Korea.

Ralph also supports hydraulic fracturing. Wow, that’s hard to spell. From what I’ve learned from speaking with him, this is the way we get natural gas. Water and sand are pumped into the ground, and somehow, natural gas comes out. Liberals think this is horrible, because they want us to try and drive cars powered by the sun or some such nonsense. We drive cars powered by gas, and if all we need to do to get it is use water and sand, why aren’t we doing it everywhere? Gas prices are rising every day, because our uppity liberal president listens to Green Pieces, and eventually, no one will be able to buy a Cadillac.

I have to admit, I’ll miss being a congresswoman. Look at all the good I’ve done during my time in Washington. I’ve fought for traditional marriage, showed my knowledge of American history, given a response to a State of the Union address, and told the truth about the awful wart vaccine. I really loved being on the Intelligence Committee, even though I’m not sure what we did. I am also so proud of the strides the Tea Party has made in regards to preserving tax rates for the rich, making sure food stamps and welfare are harder to use, and blocking unnecessary spending bills like the Violence Against Women Act. I mean, it sounds good, right? But what that act really did was protect HOMOS and Indians. Oh Holy God, why do we need to protect HOMOS and Indians? Indians live for free on white people’s land, and who would get close enough to a lesbian to beat them up? The entire thing was liberal propaganda.

Speaking of liberal propaganda, Alan Grayson claims his wife was already married when he married her. Another hypocritical liberal bites the dust. Honestly, if the left wing of this great country would just stop cheating and lying and bribing and being so racist against rich people, we’d be much better off. You know who else liberals are racist against? Colored┬áBlack people. This man named Dave Sturgeon┬áDon Sterling said some really weird stuff to his mistress about black people, and he’s been banned by the NBA for life. He’s a Democrat! Oh, Mother Jones, the world’s most leftist website, claims he’s a registered Republican, but he’s given tons of money to Democrats, AND he got an award from the NCAA NAACP. He’s a liberal. Fred Phelps was a registered Democrat, which is sad, because I liked his message.

Whenever some stupid liberal says we’re the racists, I just remind them of the Klan. A good Christian group now, but about 200 years ago, they were not very nice to colored black people. Black Panthers are horrible, too. Fox News covered a gang of Black Panthers trying to intimidate voters during the 2012 election, and the most corrupt attorney general ever, Eric Holder, refused to do anything about that. Typical. He probably hired them, on orders from Obama.

Ted Cliven Bundy is still standing his ground against the tyranny of the Obama fascists. I am so proud of him, and if the dry air didn’t do awful things to my complexion, I would go out to Nevada to support him. I just bought a Desert Eagle semi-automatic pistol, and I bet we could get in some fun target shooting there in the desert. Plus, with all those cows, we’d have really great steak dinners. I can’t actually fire my Desert Eagle, because I’m afraid it will ruin my manicure, but it looks really pretty. I got it from a nice man named T-Bone I met on Armslist. He was selling the gun to pay for his little girl’s nose job. What a nice father.

Well, Marcus is yelling at me from the driveway. We’re going to see “Heaven is for Real!” Super excited to see a good, wholesome, Christian movie for a change. I know I’m sick and tired of liberal movies, and Marcus needs a break from his German educational films. I’ll let you know how the movie was later.

Hugs and kisses-Queen Michele, future ruler of Godlandia

Erin Nanasi

Erin Nanasi is the creator of The Bachmann Diaries: Satirical Excerpts from Michele Bachmann's Fictional Diary. She hates writing about herself in the third person. Erin enjoys reading, writing, and spending time with family. And wombats. Come visit Erin on on Facebook. She also can be found on Twitter at @WriterENanasi.

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