The Bachmann Diaries: We need more Jews for Jesus

michele-bachmann-insaneDear Diary,

For over 5 years, I have been sharing the truth about the End Times, and how Obummer will bring them about. We are there now. Look at how he is failing to show Vladimir our military might. We should be over there in the USSR, showing those commies our tanks and our guns, but instead, Obama wears pajamas and talks on the phone. He won’t go to war against Russia, but he’ll go to war against Israel.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love Vladimir Putin. And I hate that Sarah Palin went on television before me to talk about how masculine Vlad is. Marcus was watching Sean Hannity’s show, and when that “mama grizzly” mentioned Vlad wrestling bears, Marcus shouted “I knew it!” He told me later he meant that Vlad is so much more manly than Obama. Also, Vlad isn’t bringing about the End Times. Obviously, I love the idea of all the unsaved heathens who don’t accept Jesus as their Savior writhing in torment down in Hell, but I’d like to be Queen of Godlandia for at least 4 years before it happens.

I went on the radio with Tony Perkins, the one who hates HOMOS, not the guy from “Psycho.” I think that one’s dead. We talked about Israel and how American Jews sold out Israel, and by supporting sanctions against Iran instead of giving Israel more nukes, those American Jews are helping bring about the End Times. The Bible, written by Holy God, says that Israel must be a state so the huge battle between Good and Evil can take place. That’s why we evangelicals love the Jews. Yes, once Jesus wins the war, Jews will burn in Hell for all time, but right now, we really need them.

John Kerry and Barack Hussein Obama are DESTROYING Israel, and American Jews are helping them! I have never been so ashamed to be an honorary Jew in my life. Pamela Geller made me one a few years ago. We were at a party in New York, and Pam and Bob and Marcus and I went out on a balcony and Bob and Pam said because we hate Muslims as much as they do, we could be honorary Jews. So, we’re Jews for Jesus! Bob is Robert Spencer, Diary, a really good guy, even though he might be Jewish.

I wonder if Jews really understand how important it is to accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior. Christians get a free pass into Heaven, but what happens to Jews? I should look that up. I know they were God’s chosen people, but obviously, Christians are now. Maybe that’s why American Jews joined with Antichrist Obama-they don’t understand how important they are to the Last Days. We really need more Jews for Jesus. Maybe I could put Pam in my cabinet, and she could be in charge of converting Jews to the only real religion, Christianity.

Diary, one of my personal heroes as you know is Ann Coulter. While I was discussing Obama’s hatred of Jews with Tony, something she once told a Jewish accountant named Donny Dutch popped into my head. She told him Jews were imperfect Christians. She’s right. Jews should become Christians. Technically, we don’t need Jews for the End Times; I’m sure Jesus would be just as happy destroying atheists, Muslims, witches, and liberals.

Now that I’m thinking about Robert Spencer, he might make a good cabinet member, too. I’m going to create the Department of Religious Perfection, which will deal with purging America of anyone who isn’t either a Christian or a Jew for Jesus. Well, we’ll keep Orthodox Jews, because they love Israel and hate the HOMOS.

I’m off to get the Star of David tattooed on the small of my back! What better way to show my love of Israel, and my love of the Bible and Biblical law, than with a tattoo? I wonder what Marcus put in this vitamin drink, because I have never wanted a tattoo in my life. Oh well!

Love, Queen Michele, Ruler of Godlandia.

Erin Nanasi

Erin Nanasi is the creator of The Bachmann Diaries: Satirical Excerpts from Michele Bachmann's Fictional Diary. She hates writing about herself in the third person. Erin enjoys reading, writing, and spending time with family. And wombats. Come visit Erin on on Facebook. She also can be found on Twitter at @WriterENanasi.

Comments

Facebook comments

  • So many gems. But the topping may be the typical anti-Semitic love for Israel End-Timer Evangelicals have in spades.

    • Pipercat

      Oy, such trafe… I tell ya!

  • Robyn Ryan

    You beat THAT into the ground! Hysterical!