The Bachmann Diaries: Praying Away Obamacare

michele-bachmann-insaneDear Diary,

Happy belated Valentine’s Day! We had such a lovely evening, filled with prayer, lutefisk, and Scrabble. Marcus won, darn him, but he had all the good letters. He got me such a gorgeous flower arrangement, and the nicest card. I got him a gift card for Amazon.com so he can buy Linda Harvey’s wonderful book.

A week ago, I had the honor of appearing on American Family Association radio with my dear friend, Sandy Rios. Sandy is a real lady, Diary, with a heart filled with Holy God and a dislike for everything we should dislike. She hates liberals, Obama, socialism, the Devil, HOMOS, and lazy poor people just as much as I do. Sandy would be an excellent choice for a position in my cabinet when I become Queen of Godlandia.

One of the things we spoke about was Obamacare, which as everyone knows, is destroying this country. Oh we hear about people paying $76 a month for insurance for their whole family, but we all know that’s a lie. And if it’s true, it’s still awful. I mean, how are we ever going to get rid of the people who are dragging America into the gutter if they can all go to the doctor now? Anywho, I told Sandy that we have to pray. Down on our knees, humble before Holy God, praying for His guiding hand to save us from Obamacare.


I reminded all the listeners that I was the only candidate in 2012 who ran solely against Obamacare. Repealing this horrible law is still my only goal. And making being a HOMO illegal. And rounding up women who can’t have babies and putting them in camps. Oh, and work camps for the poor. No more free lunches for lazy people in MY Godlandia! Jesus would do the same.

Rumor has it, Hillary Clinton is going to run for president. She’s a horrible person. She was the architect of the socialized medicine we see now, and if she’s president, it will only get worse. Do we want to be like Canada? Of course not. Liberals keep lying about Obamacare, saying it’s based on some idea from the Republican party. That’s just false. I haven’t looked it up or anything, but no Republican I know would ever want poor people to have health insurance.

I told Sandy that we need to pray harder than we ever have before to make certain Hillary Clinton does not become president. Obviously, I couldn’t declare my candidacy yet, because it’s a big surprise, but Sandy knows my heart, and so does Jesus. Jesus visited me the morning of the radio show, and told me I have to run. I can destroy the liberals, save all the babies, get rid of Obamacare, and make Christianity the only religion allowed in America, just as our founders wanted. Given the fact that I studied the Constitution in college, I am the only choice.

And think of how great the new money will look. A big cross in the middle, with the words “Godlandia” on the top. We’ll keep “In God We Trust,” but we’ll change “God” to “Holy God,” because He is. On the back will be my picture (like the queen of England, even though they’re socialist, I like having my face on money), another cross, and Leviticus 13. Perfection!

I love the American Family Association. They have that nice Bryan Fischer, who also has his own radio show. He’s such a brilliant man, he knows more about history than anyone, except David Barton, and he always has a fact or two about HOMOS for the stupid liberals. He would get a cabinet seat, too. I’d make David Barton the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, because even though he’s not a lawyer, he would rule on the side of Holy God every single time. That’s what makes a good judge.


Marcus and I are headed to Florida in a few days to get away from the cold. He has some “stray lambs” (as he calls them) to minister to, and I can shop and get a little sun. Marcus will be spending most of his time in a sports bar called The Dugout, and his Miami office, which is in the Angler’s Boutique Hotel. He loves it because he can walk to the cutest gym, Twist. I’m so blessed to have such a wonderful friend husband.

Well, we need to pack! I also have to find a Pentecostal Christian church somewhere in Miami. I’d like one that speaks English. Even though I think Cuban is a lovely language, it makes me uncomfortable to hear Holy God’s word preached in any language other than the one He chose for his people.

Get ready for 2016, when I become Queen Michele, Ruler of Godlandia, with my face on all the money!

Erin Nanasi

Erin Nanasi is the creator of The Bachmann Diaries: Satirical Excerpts from Michele Bachmann's Fictional Diary. She hates writing about herself in the third person. Erin enjoys reading, writing, and spending time with family. And wombats. Come visit Erin on on Facebook. She also can be found on Twitter at @WriterENanasi.

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