The Bachmann Diaries: The Protective Hand of God is Moving to Canada

michele-bachmann-insaneDear Diary,

You cannot imagine how stressful the past few weeks have been. Between all my television and radio appearances, thinking about running for “President” (Queen of Godlandia), and Marcus’s awful breakdown over growing a mustache, I haven’t slept a wink. Plus I think the protective Hand of God is moving to Canada.

For 200 some years, this great nation of innovators, entrepreneurs, conservatives, and Christians has been under the protective Hand of God. Everything we did, from winning Vietnam, to routing the Taliban from Iraq, to keeping marriage between one man and one woman the way it says in the Bible, was guided by Holy God. Now? Now we’re just screwed. And since God can’t possibly go somewhere like North Korea (why do we have an embassy there, OBUMMER?!!), or France, He’s taking His hand north to Canada. This all came to me in a dream I had after eating pork and downing a bottle of Riesling. You see, Diary, God doesn’t like the things we’re doing here. Socialism, taxing wealthy people, letting HOMOS get married, so He’s not going to protect us anymore. In my dream, I was floating above America on the back of a giant bald eagle. I had a fiery sword in one hand, and the Constitution in the other. Ahead of me was the mighty hand of God, and He was beckoning me with His middle finger. My eagle followed Him to Toronto. Then He spoke.

“Michele,” He said,” America has become sinful and evil. You have a communist, Kenyan Marxist as your president, your citizens are ignoring the rich job creators in favor of giving more free money to the Welfare Queens, the liberals are trying to take away the right I gave everyone to own as many guns as they want, no questions asked, and your poor are all scammers. It’s time for My protective hand to go somewhere else.”

Now I was confused, because I didn’t know Canada had churches, but I never doubt the word of Holy God. Then I woke up, drenched in sweat that smelled like Chanel Number 5 (Marcus bought it for me from Sephora), gripping the athame I keep on the nightstand. And I knew. I knew that in order for America to be protected by the hand of God, we had to change. Unfortunately, the Minnesota senate did not share my perfect vision, and approved what the liberal communists are calling an “anti-bullying” bill.

Diary, it is not an anti-bullying bill. What this bill does is tell parents they cannot teach their impressionable children the Word of God. If your child understands that being a HOMO violates every single thing written in the Bible, your wonderful Christian kid will be forbidden from going to school, and sharing that message with his friends. He will be barred from talking to HOMO teenagers about sin, how their lifestyle is from Satan, and how if they do not repent and become straight like Marcus did, they will go to Hell. And if one more commie liberal tells me Jesus didn’t say anything about being a HOMO, I will punch them in the throat. He said men and women should get married. Did he say Adam and Steve? Lisa and Stacy? NOPE, He said man and woman. So shut up, you godless liberal COMMIES! We know you’re responsible for the missing Chinese airplane and BENGHAZI!!!

I’ll admit I have softened a bit when it comes to the HOMOS. I don’t think they should be sent to an island, and I don’t really support Charles Worley’s electrified fence camp idea anymore. What I do believe is that if we pray hard enough, and combine that with therapy, public shaming, and hand puppets, we can turn all the HOMOS into good, normal, Christian Americans. At which point, God will bring His hand back from Canada. I hope He brings me the fiery sword-that thing would be very effective on the House floor.

Oh the mustache. Marcus was watching one of his educational videos from Germany, and I guess one of the stars had a mustache. Marcus has always wanted a mustache, ever since he saw an episode of “Magnum, PI” on Hulu. The problem is, he has such a cute baby face, I think it would look silly, and I told him so. Diary, I know I am supposed to let Marcus lead, and make all the decisions, but Jesus Christ (sorry, Lord), can you imagine ME as Queen of Godlandia, standing next to a guy who looks like he’s 12, with this huge mustache? I told Marcus he’d look like a HOMO porn star, and he replied “So? Everyone knows I’m straight as an arrow. I think it would look sexy.” Men. Silly, silly men.

Well, I have to prep for Jimmy Kimmel. He hasn’t invited me on The Tonight Show yet, but since he had that idiot from Alaska on, my guess is, he’d like a conservative woman with power who didn’t quit her job. I’m not quitting being a congresswoman, but between my possible run for Queen of Godlandia, and trying to stay out of prison, I wouldn’t be nearly as effective as I have been.

Hugs and kisses! Queen Michele, future ruler of Godlandia.

Erin Nanasi

Erin Nanasi is the creator of The Bachmann Diaries: Satirical Excerpts from Michele Bachmann's Fictional Diary. She hates writing about herself in the third person. Erin enjoys reading, writing, and spending time with family. And wombats. Come visit Erin on on Facebook. She also can be found on Twitter at @WriterENanasi.


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