The Bachmann Diaries: I Support Ted Bundy

michele-bachmann-insaneDear Diary,

There was a bloody moon in the sky a few nights ago, and my dear friend and spiritual mentor, John Hagee, told all Christians this moon is a sign of the End Times. Now I know the commie liberal media thinks we’re all obsessed with the End Times, but look at America! We have women killing babies every fifteen seconds (that’s a real statistic from Lila Rose), HOMOS terrorizing normal Christians, a colored man Muslim socialist in the White House, and now the government is trying to tell a rancher in Montana Nevada where he can put his goats cows.

Diary, we are most definitely in the End Times, and I couldn’t be happier. I believe that Jesus is coming back, and I know He will find me first. He will reward me for all my hard work to keep the rich from paying too much in taxes, pointing out the Muslim Brotherhood has infiltrated our government at the highest level, and that HOMOS are evil, and their lifestyle choice is of Satan. Why do they call it “gay”? That’s so stupid. Gay means happy, wholesome, perfect, like Ronald Reagan or David Barton.

Out in Nevada there’s a rancher named Ted Bundy, and Mr. Bundy is fighting Obama’s Big Government takeover of everything. Ted Bundy is a cattle rancher, and for 700 years or so, his family has had cows that graze in some field. Which is weird, because how can grass and hay grow in the desert? Do his cows eat sand? Anyhoo, when Obama became president, he created the Bureau of Land Management to steal Ted Bundy’s cows. THEN Obama told Harry Reid to make up an endangered turtle so Obama can plant marijuana and solar panels on Ted Bundy’s land. Typical Nazi.

Ted Bundy said “NO!,” and then a ton of wonderful, decent, patriotic, white Americans went to Montana to help defend Ted Bundy’s alpacas cows from socialism. Okay, maybe a few of those patriotic white Americans were in “militias,” but they were regulated, so there’s your Second Amendment! Well, sort of regulated. I’m going to be honest-that whole thing scared the shit out of me. First, I thought Ted Bundy was dead, but maybe he just moved to Colorado Nevada to become a lemur cow farmer. Marcus thinks Ted Bundy is a serial killer, but I told him that’s stupid. Serial killers don’t live in the middle of nowhere. If they did, how would they find any victims? I love him, but sometimes Marcus isn’t very smart. And then some retired sheriff went on the radio to tell everyone he wanted to put WOMEN in front of the line so the government agents would shoot them. Shoot the women. Women don’t want to get shot, we want to get manicures and tell other women how to get a husband.

Ooo, Phyllis Schlafly agrees with me that we need a bigger wage gap between men and women! I’ve said for years (to myself in the mirror) that if women made next to nothing, they’d have to get married to men. Now this only becomes a problem with minorities, because Holy God knows, we don’t want them procreating. Which is where my newest, great idea comes in: Minority Island. There are millions of islands all over the world, and when I become Queen of Godlandia, I will move all the minorities to islands. By minorities, I mean people who aren’t white, straight Christians. Women can stay, but only if they’re conservative. Also, liberals are outta here. And atheists. Animals with fur and saliva. White shoes. K-Mart. Sarah Palin. I need to make a list.

The mustache war continues. It’s Holy Week, and instead of wearing his cilice and flagellating himself like he normally does, all Marcus can talk about is his stupid 1970’s gay porn Burt Reynolds mustache. He looks SO STUPID. So I drugged him last night and shaved it off. He’s not talking to me. Tomorrow is Holy Thursday, and so help me God, if Marcus doesn’t pull his head out of his butt and cheer up to celebrate the Last Supper and Judas’s betrayal of Our Lord, I will slap him.

I’m going to make a tee shirt that says “I Support Rancher Ted Bundy!” All patriots should support Ted Bundy. I wonder where he was born. How cool would it be if Rancher Bundy was born in Waterloo, Iowa, just like John Wayne?

I’ll write more later, I need to go pin a photo of my new manicure to Pinterest!

Hugs and kisses-Queen Michele, future ruler of Godlandia.

Erin Nanasi

Erin Nanasi is the creator of The Bachmann Diaries: Satirical Excerpts from Michele Bachmann's Fictional Diary. She hates writing about herself in the third person. Erin enjoys reading, writing, and spending time with family. And wombats. Come visit Erin on on Facebook. She also can be found on Twitter at @WriterENanasi.

Comments

Facebook comments

  • Eddie Krebbs

    In all seriousness RE: Bundy, one of the problems of renting is that your contract is generally for a set time. When the contract is up, the owner of the land is free to do whatever they want with the land (renew the lease to build a supermarket).

  • rossbro

    Pay the grazing fees like everybody else and stop the drama.

  • robingee

    Also Mr. Bundy has been a shoe salesman since he graduated from Polk High and he supports a lazy wife and 2 ungrateful kids. Now he’s married to a hot latina chick. He’s a real American!

    • budgienation

      I know you’re just goofing but you are, confusing your Bundy’s. Ted Bundy was a mass murderer, Al Bundy is the shoe salesman from Polk High.

  • Scott Amundsen

    OMFG ROFLMAO

  • MOWaterhouse

    700 year old cows? The meat’s gotta be a little tough.

  • Michael Case

    Just curious. Any way to get the “Support Allen West” adds off your site?

  • oldandhappy

    Did we have cows in Nevada 700 years ago??!! In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue — that was 522 years ago!! sob Thank you.

  • budgienation

    The saddest thing about this is that Bachmann is so monumentally stupid, the article had, for just a moment, more than a faint whiff of plausibility!