Bent Back Mountain: Sarah Palin’s Iowa Speech Translated

iowa-palinAttendees of the Iowa Freedom Summit were treated to a well-scripted eloquent exciting speech from Half-Governor Sarah Palin over the weekend. She was introduced to the crowd by Iowa’s own Steve “Cantaloupe Calves” King, who pointed out that Grifter Sarah Palin had moved the party to the right. Way to the right. Over a cliff, if you will. A cliff on the side of Bent Back Mountain. Ms. Palin took the stage dressed in a shiny black blouse, a black skirt, and sassy boots. No really, those boots were sassy. And those boots were made for walkin’ all over liberals you betcha. Because Sarah Palin’s a grizzly bear hockey mom with lipstick. Pit bull with lip gloss. Pigs in a blanket? Too many idiots idioms.

She looked ready for battle, patriots, and by White Jesus, she was. The audience had to wait twelve minutes for Sarah to get to the “meat” of her speech (but not dog meat!) while she spoke lovingly about herself. She talked about her previous visits to Iowa, how Chris Kyle used to work for her, all the American flags flyin’ from front porches, a corn maze, her son’s service dog, and a gun show where she and Taya Kyle hung out and signed books. Oh, and she used the word “crucified” when referring to how she is treated by the media. Because the lamestream liberal media thinks posing with a sign that reads “F*ck you, Michael Moore,” and has cross hairs in the O’s of Moore’s last name, is less-than-classy.

Once she finished regaling the audience with stories of how awesome and sad it is to be Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin went totes rogue. It was awesome to behold, unless you don’t speak Palin. And this is where your humble correspondent comes into the picture. I watched Sarah Palin’s speech three times, much to the annoyance of my husband, and it would be my pleasure to translate Sarah Palin’s Iowa speech from the top of Bent Beck Mountain for you, the erudite and fabulous reader. And yes, I’m translating the whole speech, which frankly is more than she did.

The Half-Governor was in rare form, her trademark smirk reaching the back of the venue, her ego threatening to knock the front row into the parking lot. It was a masterful performance. During the twelve-minute opening monologue, Ms. Palin joked about President Obama growing up in Indonesia and eating dog meat. This comment was a direct hit (kapow!) to the stupid animal rights activists who poo-pooed Sarah letting her son stand on a dog. Translation: Look at me. She referenced the gun show where she posed with Sgt. Dakota Meyer and his “F*ck you, Michael Moore” sign, agreeing with the sentiment of said sign. Translation: Look at me. Patriotic Palin had a binder (not full of women) that held a magazine, a sticker, and presumably, her notes. Didn’t need those darn notes, nope, because she’s a rebel!

Sarah chatted with the audience about a half-marathon (for a Half-Governor, you betcha!) she impulsively joined after “chowin’ down” on fried food at the Iowa State Fair. She pointed out the media accused her of “orchestrating” that whole thing. Translation: Look at me. Then Ms. Palin mentioned-not by name because most of them aren’t famous-all the “friends” she and her family have made over the years in Iowa, which segued into compliments on Iowans’ work ethic, and all their American flags, hanging from front porches. Where, she added, many Iowans can probably be found, “proudly clingin’ to your guns, your god, your Constitution.”  Translation: Real Americans hang out on their front porches, armed to the teeth, reading the Bible and the Second Amendment, over and over again.

Joni Ernst reference.

Then it was time for the first tribute to Ronald Reagan. Like most conservatives, and true patriotic Americans, the Half-Governor yearns for another Reagan. America needs a president brave enough to arm psychotic rebels in South America, break the law, and help give rise to a terrorist organization, for FREEDOM! Why, Ronald Reagan pushed the Berlin Wall over with just one macho, conservative finger! Let Obama the Puppy Eater try that. “Coronation, rinse repeat.” YEAH! “These leftists out there promoting these ready for campaigns.” YEAH! “Hopey changey astro-turfy.” YEAH! “America, he’s [Obama’s] just not that into you.” YEAH! Translation: I’m super cute and mean snarky, Look at Me.


NSA reference.

Heritage Fund Care Romneycare Hillarycare Obamacare reference.

The Half-Governor asked a great question of the audience, her eyes wide, and her arms sort of flailing about: “When will they let us decide our own care?” That’s a fantastic point! So many conservatives, especially men, are all up in our lady parts, telling us if we can access a legal abortion, or low-cost contracep…oh. Never mind.

Joke about Hillary Clinton’s age. Translation: I’m pretty, Look at Me.

Second Reagangasm.

Ms. Palin quoted Reagan during her Reagangasm, pointing to part of his speech to CPAC in 1975 about interior decorating. Reagan told his fellow conservatives to never use pastels, but always stick to “bold colors.” Translation: I’m really smart, I memorized a Ronald Reagan quote, Look at Me.

Seventeen minutes to go.

She takes a sip of what seems to be water. Or gin. At this point, it’s anyone’s guess.

Sarah’s on a roll. She tells the packed room that it’ll take more than a village to beat Hillary. Get it? Speaking in tongues with passion, the Half-Governor states that the liberal media will crucify everyone in the conservative party (figuratively?), and they need to be more offensive go on the offense. When that lamestream media attacks conservatives with whatever the “hip accusation” of the day is, be it sexism, racism, or other isms, it’s sort of “Orwellian” and “Saul Alinsky,” “for it is they that point a finger not…they have triple that amount of fingers pointin’ right back at ’em, revealing that they are the ones who really discriminate.” Translation: When I do it, it’s different, Look at Me.

Truthfully, right now, I am wishing I had never started this. My brain hurts.

Uses “shackle” and “pimp” in the same sentence. Please make it stop.

Paints (using bold colors) conservative governors as good examples of governing. Like Sam Brownback?

Tells young people “There ain’t no such thing as a free lunch.” Or proper grammar.

“With all due respect to the office of the presidency, it’s like an overgrown little boy who’s just acting kinda spoiled…in fact this reminds me of Bristol…” Translation: I do not understand the meaning of psychological projection, Look at Me.

Sarah puts forth a brave idea-pack the USDA into a U-Haul.

Ms. Palin gives the audience her definition of status quo:

And it stands for, man the middle class, everyday Americans, are really gettin’ taken for a ride. That’s status quo. And GOP leaders, by the way, you know, the man, can only ride ya when your back is bent. So strengthen it! Then the man can’t ride ya…

The man can only ride ya when your back is bent. Wise words.

Palin/Trump 2016.

Erin Nanasi

Erin Nanasi is the creator of The Bachmann Diaries: Satirical Excerpts from Michele Bachmann's Fictional Diary. She hates writing about herself in the third person. Erin enjoys reading, writing, and spending time with family. And wombats. Come visit Erin on on Facebook. She also can be found on Twitter at @WriterENanasi.


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