Bill Maher Goes Off on Epic Rant About the Story of Noah’s Ark

maher-noahs-arkMost people who follow my writing are pretty well aware that, while I am a Christian, I don’t view the Bible as a fact-based, literal depiction of actual events.  Though the story of Noah’s Ark is a pivotal one within the Bible, even as a child I found it ridiculously far-fetched.

One small ark, every animal on earth, a massive flood – it just didn’t make any sense.

Well, Bill Maher went off on one of the best rants blasting the story of Noah’s ark that I think I’ve ever heard.  He brought up several key facts that seem lost in what is often a story told to children.

You know, like the fact that in the story during this flood almost every person on earth died.  Men, women, children, the elderly, sick, needy – babies.  He went on to say that the story of the ark is incredibly immoral because in God’s vengeance against a few, God slaughtered nearly everyone.

Maher said the story of the ark is essentially one about a “psychotic mass murderer who gets away with it and his name is God.”  He then continued, “What kind of tyrant kills everyone just to get back at the few he’s mad at?”

While I don’t always agree with Bill Maher, I do feel he’s absolutely right with his assessment of this story.  When broken down to exactly what it is – a story where even infants were slaughtered because of the supposed wickedness of a few – it’s kind of shocking that it’s often used as a story taught to really young children.

Oh sure, it’s a neat story about a big ship with a lot of animals all piled on board.  Stuff like that appeals to the minds of children, but it shouldn’t appeal to adults.  Still, despite the fact that everything surrounding the story of Noah is so completely unbelievable, there are tens of millions of adults who still believe that the Earth is 6,000 years old and the story of Noah’s ark is completely accurate.

And that’s basically the point Maher was making.  For someone to honestly believe the story of Noah’s ark is completely true, that means they’re perfectly fine with the fact that God used a massive flood to commit global mass murder.

Because while the giant ark and all the animals sound like a great story – it seems these people forget that this ark was supposedly built so a handful of people could survive while the rest of the world’s population (regardless of sex, gender, age or innocence) was murdered.

Allen Clifton

Allen Clifton is a native Texan who now lives in the Austin area. He has a degree in Political Science from Sam Houston State University. Allen is a co-founder of Forward Progressives and creator of the popular Right Off A Cliff column and Facebook page. Be sure to follow Allen on Twitter and Facebook, and subscribe to his channel on YouTube as well.

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  • shopper

    While I agree that the story in the Bible is not totally true, it is interesting that in the fold lore of many native peoples around the world there is a tale of a great flood. Seems that at some point in history there may have been a catastrophe flood that did much damage. I think many of the tales in the Old Testament may be based on something similar that actually happened and then becomes used to make a religious point.

    • Sunny Ray

      The bible is a collection of philosophical and symbolic tells transmitted through generations, so before it had been written it had been modified and amplified. In my opinion…

      • Zindiq

        The Bible is a collection of tales ranging from answers to eternal human questions like “how/ why are we here?” to attempts at historical chronicles (although the concept of objective historical truth as we understand it was entirely alien) to what might have passed for contemporary political commentary (“why did we lose the war if we are God’s people?”) The Bible stories range in age from prehistoric–before the advent of writing or witnessed accounts–to periods when priests kept documentation. And most written accounts were likely written by the priestly class, so there’s a bias from the start. To treat the Bible as though it is a consistent document is ridiculous.

    • surfjac

      There was an enormous flood…just not biblical in origin. A “sill” broke that was containing the Mediterranean. Sophisticated dating techniques confirmed that 7,600 years ago the mounting seas had burst through the narrow Bosporus valley, and the salt water of the Mediterranean had poured into the lake with unimaginable force, racing over beaches and up rivers, destroying or chasing all life before it. The rim of the lake, which had served as an oasis, a Garden of Eden for farms and villages in a vast region of semi-desert, became a sea of death. The people fled, dispersing their languages, genes, and memories.

    • Zindiq

      Most ancient peoples lived near rivers, therefore almost all native peoples had some collective memory of river flooding, therefore it is no surprise that multiple, dispersed cultures have stories about floods.

  • Kitty Willis

    That does it….this just goes to show that what I’ve been saying as a child, in my opinion, the bible is bullshit!! It shows God’s a filthy rich, far right, republican…..who doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself….selfish bastard!! That is not my God!! 🙂

    • terry63

      God Loves you Kitty. He has never hated you. He has known you before you were in the womb. That’s a big Hint as to who you are and how important you are. Is God a Republican? No, God is God. God, is Love. God, calls to us every day. You only need to listen. We are all here for a reason. We may well have ask for this duty. We dont know, that memory has been wiped away in the womb. Man is a two part being. Animal and Spiritual . Feed the spirit. The Animal is just that. The Spiritual food is in Gods word. There is a man who teach’s Gods word. He is not a preacher. He is a bible teacher, shunned by most Christian, outlets. He takes the bible back to Hebrew and Greek. He is not boring as most are. Things start to fit, things start to fall into place as you listen. His name is “Arnold Murray” Of Sheppards Chapel.He will never ask you for a dime. He’s not a beggar, he’s a bible teacher. He can be found on Direct TV. as well as other outlets and short wave. He has helped me greatly to understand that which I didnt understand. I also Love you and wish you the best that Life has to offer. We are not your enemy as many would have you beleive. Beware of false prophets, you will know them by they’re fruit, for a good tree can not put forth corrupt fruit, as a corrupt tree cannot put forth good fruit. Know them. They are sweet talkers.

      • Gary Menten

        Apparently, writing in the the English language without making multiple spelling and punctuation errors was not among the things Arnold Murray has helped you to understand. Nor would it appear, has God, for that matter.

      • lindylou

        There are many people who prefer a “fact based” religion, which precludes that clumsy non-sea-worthy boat, talking shrubs, and the like. The message still comes through without all the fantasy stories that appeal to the ignorant.

      • hermanprovi

        Just because YOU say he is a “bible teacher”, does not make him a truth sayer! He like you, WANT to believe in something, and, if it gives you pleasure and comfort, go for it, BUT do not expect or demand, that others should! Ever since ‘religion was invented by man, there have been “expert teachers and preachers”! One of those “preachers [of hate], named Phelps, is about to face the truth. I hope he is wearing a fireproof suit!

      • Ivan__Drago

        Do it now before God has to kill you in a giant flood, because he’ll seriously do it.

        Wasn’t it enough to just doom all the people of Earth for an eternity of damnation in hell? God couldn’t wait 75 years max, he had to drown everyone to get them there immediately?

      • oh please…STFU!

  • Pablo G. Baldazo

    Please don’t condemn the whole for the flaws in some of its parts. The Bible just needs to be rewritten to suit the time. Part of the reasons why Genesis was written was to keep the unquestioning mass of people beholden to the power of the one God who was supposed to have created us all. Very few people with logical reasoning really believe the bible but there are many parts in it that keep guiding us to be better human being. Those punishments that include punishing the innocents and the guilty together are just parables to make the unquestioning few that can make a big difference in making the decision for the big picture in saving us all from ourselves who do follow blindly the rulers of Rome or the chosen few, so to speak. Delete this if this post does not make sense for you.

    • Ryan Swanson

      Didn’t god condemn the whole for the flaws in some if he truly did flood the whole world?

  • RLOrth

    Remember at the time they thought the world was flat and limited. So perhaps is that little spot, Noah was the only survivor…there.

  • biggy

    Who ever taught the bible was from some god they are sadly mistaken those bastards who penned that book were a bunch of oppressors who made foolish people today feel it is ok to be dirt poor and the biggest schemers are those who say they are preaching the word of god and they are multi billionaire with 3 and four houses and air plane and many of their congregations cant even afford an apartment or a motor cycle but are told to pay 10% of their gross earnings to the word of god , have any one seen god spending money? but to them I say death even all of us and I have never seen an armored truck follow a hearse into the cemetery.

  • FD Brian

    Religion was invented to keep the poor from killing the rich.

  • Michael Cookson

    More than likely, the flood happen and the God part was added in after the fact, to explain why so many people died! The story of the arc is probably just that, a story! Anytime there is a natural disaster, it is very common to ask, why would God let this happen? Well, the story of Noah, is the answer! This practice of assigning blame for a disaster, continues on today! When I say the flood happen, I don’t mean the whole world was flooded, I mean a really bad flood happen, wiping out large populations! To the survivors, it would have seemed like the whole world was flooded! they didn’t have media back then!

    • Zindiq

      Ancient peoples lived near rivers, with no concept of flood control. Much of Mesopotamia (“between the rivers”) is flat and would have flooded massively. Frequent, disastrous flooding was well known to these ancient peoples, so it’s not at all surprising that stories developed around them. Stories that described familiar scenes of devastation, but also promised redemption for those that survived.

  • terry63

    I wont question Bill’s Christianity. God will do that as he will judge mine as well.
    The Old Testament, it is steeped in Mystery and Symbolism. Its the basic story that your after. Noah’s story is that of the end of the first earth age. If you wondering why Noah, didnt load up a couple of Unicorn’s Then your missing the entire story.The Point has eluded you. This story was taught to three of the worlds major religion’s. Islam, Christiam and Orthadox Jew.But not just these religions. But also Hindu as well as others tell the story. In this story you will find that Angel’s were intermoixing with humans. Who are these Angels? Well they came from the heavens. Did you ever wonder why, although you look like every other animal on this planet, yet your different. You look into the stars and wonder. Noah,s story is very important as are other stories in the Bible. You cant take it literally, you need to find the meaning.
    I have had people ask me why Moses, would not let his people eat shell fish or was against Gay sex,Put the Homo sexual crowd seperate from the others, or did many other things that didnt make sense. It makes perfect sense. Of 1 thousand people eating shellfish, A people who probably could not disern between that which was eatable and that which was poison. How many would die, of Shell fish poisoning? Of Anal sex. If your female. I dont have to tell you what a dirty penis can do to you, now do I. Worse if you have no medicine. It does make’s sense, perfect sense.

    • Pipercat

      New rule: If you’re going to include Hindu and anal sex in the same rant, it has to also include a proper reference and pictures from the Kama Sutra.

    • olepa

      terry63, I will question Bills Christianity, this guy has not taken up the cross. How do blessings and curses come out of the same mouth. This guy claims Christianity but his heart is far from God and if one can’t take the Word of God literally one is not with God.You and every body else who can’t believe the Bible do not know God

    • lindylou

      “The Old Testament, it is steeped in Mystery and Symbolism.” Exactly. Incidentally, much of the jeremiads about homosexuality, etc, were frowned upon because most of all, the world needed more people in order to ensure a viable community. People were warned against shellfish basically because they are shallow-water bottom feeders, living in the same waters that were sewage dumping grounds.

  • MLR

    My grandmother, who was a very religious person, used to warn me not to take the Bible literally. She also warned that the Bible could easily be misunderstood. That does seem to happen quite a bit, especially when people choose to cherry-pick parts of the Bible they like and ignore the parts that doesn’t fit into their ideology.

  • Sunny Ray

    If you read Job, the old testament, God shows insane arrogance! The origin of this religion was “believe in one God, only this one, and he will protect you and your loved ones.” But people quickly realized that it was a one way relationship, bad things happened to good people also. That’s when Job “teach” how to suffer. In a few words, don’t expect rational form “someone” who is beyond everything, don’t try to understand the inexplicable… which is the perfect way to leave people ignorant, and the perfect excuse to all bad things came/coming from religion.

  • hermanprovi

    Animals, like humans have to eat and then eliminate! An Ark, while floating around in a massive world wide flood, could pose a very messy mess! How much food was needed, how much water, how about odors,how about keeping clean, what were the sanitary and dietary conditions? IF, the Ark was to carry every animal in existence, how we’re they all gathered from around the known world, and how much bigger would the Ark have to be in order to accommodate every animal that existed? Oh, I forgot, “God works in mysterious ways”! Yeahnsure!

  • Ivan__Drago

    My favorite is when people that insist the Earth is only 4000 years old then try to give me a lecture on climate science and Global Warming.

  • carterfan

    Theists are child like people who want big daddy gawd to tuck them in after they die…lol…maybe! of a really painful illness! that their make believe friend in the sky could have prevented…lol….all religions have one thing in common, they want 10% of your money..lol.. Mark Twain once said religion was invented when the first con-man meet the first sucker….lol