A California lawyer has devised an initiative titled “The Sodomite Suppression Act.” Yes, this isn’t something from The Onion or National Report, this is a very real ballot initiative designed by someone who is both nutty and probably thinks more about making sexy time more than members of the gay community do.
The language of the measure is, well, insane. For example:
The abominable crime against nature known as buggery, called also sodomy, is a monstrous evil that Almighty God, giver of freedom and liberty, commands us to suppress on pain of our utter destruction even as he overthrew Sodom and Gomorrha.
That’s just the introduction. Buggery? Did California suddenly travel back to Edwardian England? Who says buggery? And could someone please tell Matt McLaughlin (the practicing attorney responsible for this horror) the story of Sodom and Gomorrah was about being RUDE TO STRANGERS, not butt stuff. Oy vey. Moving on.
Mr. McLaughlin believes the “people of California” would very much like to put LGBT people to death:
Seeing that it is better that offenders should die rather than that all of us should be killed by God’s just wrath against us for the folly of tolerating-wickedness in our midst, the People of California wisely command, in the fear of God, that any person who willingly touches another person of the same gender for purposes of sexual gratification be put to death by bullets to the head or by any other convenient method.
Shoot them all in the head, or use some other convenient method. Maybe round ’em all up, and drop them behind a huge electric fence, ala Pastor Charles Worley. Or just stick to the Old Testament, and stone them all to death in the public square.
Attorney Matt wants to bar LGBT from serving in public office, because bugger that? His words:
No person shall serve in any public office, nor serve in public employment, nor enjoy any public benefit, who is a sodomite or who espouses sodomistic propaganda or who belongs to any group that does.
Look, buggy I mean buddy. You are obviously nuttier than squirrel poo, and you spent $200 to file this disaster of epic proportions. But guess what? The AG of California will probably have to approve the icky thing you wrote for circulation, and allow you the opportunity to gather your signatures. How exciting that will be: wandering up to some stranger’s door, petition in hand, ringing the doorbell, and telling them all about your initiative that allows the residents of California to murder members of the LGBT community.
Let’s imagine for a moment what that might look like.
We see Matt McLaughlin, decked out in a teal Ralph Lauren polo shirt, well-pressed khakis, and Bass Weejuns, striding up the walkway of a quaint, ranch-style home. A palm tree sways in the ocean breeze as Attorney Matt approaches the front door. He clears his throat, and rings the bell. The door opens after a few seconds, and Matt finds himself face to face with a tall, very attractive man in his thirties. Blonde hair, bleached almost white by the sun highlights a tan face, while blue eyes sparkle with hidden glee at the world.
“Hi there!,” Surfer Dude says.
“Hello, my name is Matt McLaughlin, and I would like to talk to you about a ballot initiative I have introduced.”
“Oh how fun! Good for you, getting involved in making the world a better place. Hang on, let me get my husband.”
Surfer Dude turns his head, and yells “Honey? There’s a really cute man here with a petition.”
Attorney Matt feels all the blood rush out of his face, landing somewhere inside his Weejuns.
Hubby appears next to Surfer Dude, holding a baby in his arms.
“Sorry, someone needed changing. How are you today?”
“Uh…I think I have the wrong house…”
Surfer Dude shakes his head.
“No, no, just tell us about your petition; the baby’s perfectly happy in Todd’s arms. So, what’s your focus? Smog? Crime? Equality?”
McLaughlin stands there, unable to speak.
“Aw, he’s shy! This must be a little scary, huh, just walking up to strangers’ homes. Why don’t you come in, and we’ll fix you a nice lemonade. Take some of the stress away.”
Attorney Matt begins to sweat profusely. He feels nauseous, and something else. Something he’s felt before, but not since boarding school, when he walked in on Mike in the shower. To this day, Matt can remember the water glistening on Mike’s smooth back, his muscular buttocks, gently flexing as Mike rinsed, his…
“NO! SODOMITES! EVIL! KILL THE GAYS!”
Surfer Dude’s eyebrow goes up just a smidge.
“YOU SHOULD ALL BE KILLED! SHOT IN THE HEAD! YOU AND YOUR GORGEOUS HAIR AND YOUR PERFECT THIGHS AND YOU SMELL SO GOOD AND AUUUGGGHHHHHHH…”
Surfer Dude, Hubby Todd and Baby Ellie watch as Matt McLaughlin tries to run backwards, trips over a garden gnome, takes a header into a rose bush, clambers to his feet, and sprints out of the yard, screaming.
This is just a prediction from a twisted mind. But science shows people, especially men, who are homophobic usually harbor some seriously gay feelings themselves. It’s a safe bet that Matt McLaughlin looks at photos of Anderson Cooper, or Adam Lambert, and gets a…use your imagination; Matt probably does!
This initiative will never become law. Who in their right mind would add a signature to get this on a ballot? Calling for the LGBT community to be put to death with “bullets to the head?” There is also a possibility that Matt McLaughlin will get into some trouble with the California Bar Association over his hate-filled proposal. From SFGate:
While the proposed initiative awaits further review, a state legislator wants the California Bar to look into McLaughlin’s sponsorship and consider disbarring him.
Lawyers are supposed to demonstrate “good moral character,” which includes respect for the rights of others, said Sen. Ricardo Lara, D-Bell Gardens (Los Angeles County). “I support freedom of speech,” he said, “but calling for state-sanctioned execution of a protected class calls into question the proponent’s character and judgment.”
Lara was joined Thursday by five other members of the Legislature’s LGBT Caucus, who filed a formal complaint with the bar. “Such inciting and hateful language has no place in our discourse, let alone (our) state Constitution,” they said.
Well, gosh, wouldn’t it be a shame if McLaughlin was disbarred for being a hateful douchewaffle. But on the bright side, if he was unemployed, he’d have more time to watch gay porn I MEAN BIBLE VIDEOS on the internet.
Good luck, Attorney Matt. May the farce be with you.