Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: [CENSORED], Jars of Clay & Heavenly Haikus

unnamed-32Please turn in your hymnals to No. 1017.

Two trailer park fundies go round the outside,
Round the outside, round the outside
Two trailer park fundies go round the outside,
Round the outside, round the outside

Guess who’s back? Back again?
Pillow’s back. Tell a friend!

Here, put on a hard hat and join me for some Frappuccino fellowship in the nearly-finished Koinonia Romp Room—just one of several “cosmetic architectural improvements” we’ve been working on lately at the newly christened Cubic Zirconia Cathedral. By the way, thank you so much for your recent contribution to our Prosperity Gospel Pledge Drive. Without your support, that old school video arcade over in the Southeast Quadrant just wouldn’t have been possible.

I mean, can you imagine a 21st-century youth group without an array of classic video game consoles? And if you think about it, Dig Dug is really a metaphor about the 72-hour period that Christ spent climbing out of Abraham’s Bosom on his way back to Joseph of Arimathea’s tomb. Oh, look, there’s little Marvin Waggler popping a communion wafer into Galaga.

Go get ’em, Marvin! You just imagine all those alien space crafts are poor illegal immigrants who should be sent packing to their Maker! And don’t forget to tell your parents to purchase a few bazooka raffle tickets!

I’m sorry, where were we? Oh, yes, the Koinonia Room. Now, at first this room might seem like just a giant sheetrock box barely large enough to hold all of downtown Cleveland and every Boeing 777 ever manufactured. But in reality it serves a variety of purposes other than a gathering corral—I mean place—before and after every service. By the way, do you realize more people attended last Sunday’s 10 a.m. service than legitimately purchased Mark Driscoll’s Real Marriage?

Ha-ha-ha! Suck it, Driscoll! I mean that in the agape sense, of course.

Anyway, during one of our recent architectural planning sessions, I had a strange sensation in the middle toe of my left foot. All of the elders gathered round and laid hands on it—kind of like the time that pastor tried to exorcise all the gray hairs from Rick Perry’s pate. Then Stan Hedgedök started babbling in Assamese—which is very odd, because Stan is a bit of a standoffish CPA and usually doesn’t get into these touchy-feely Holy Ghost moments.

Careful! Holy Obadiah! You nearly stepped in a pile of pachyderm poo. You can hardly see it from here, but there’s a Noah’s Ark replica way down yonder in the Northwest Quadrant. I thought I told those homeless volunteers never to walk the elephants without carrying shovels!

What? Stan? Stan who? Oh, yes, Stan!

So Stan starts babbling in Assamese, and then Marge Wintershook uncorks her gift of prophecy and interprets that God is calling yours truly, Pastor Pillow—of all people—to start an annual CCM music festival called Arms-a-pa-looza! Get it? “Arms to praise God, and arms to lock and load against Lady Liberty’s enemies!”

And guess what? For a mere $100,000, we’ve booked Ted Nugent as a headliner to sing the entire DeGarmo and Key songbook.

Just imagine: 100,000 faithful Evangelical sheep who don’t mast**bate lined up as far as the eye can see—from here all the way down to the Calvin’s Geneva Reenactment Center in Quadrant East VI. Everybody rockin’ out to Mylon and Broken Heart and Newsboys, firing their semiautomatics into the sky—by the way, that’s a retractable roof. And not a single individual below the poverty line or person who would vote for Bernie Sanders within miles—I mean, other than the bratwurst vendors and urinal cake attendants (a.k.a. Jesus Janitors).

However, I am sad to report that we had to cancel Jars of Clay from the 2014 Arms-a-pa-looza lineup. What can I say? You come out in support of same sex marriage, and we have little choice but to replace you with Kirk Cameron playing the spoons and singing his latest hit, “Traditional Marriage, Old as Dirt.”

Well, here we are, at the end of our little fellowship date. Raise your pinky in praise and swallow the last of your Frappo!

As you can see, the writing is on the Jumbotron:

Mene, Mene, Tekel, Upharsin.

Which in ancient Persian roughly comes out to something like, “Support Hobby Lobby’s retail ministry of cheap Chinese crap!”

Time for me to go climb into the pulpit cockpit. So go find yourself a comfy pew somewhere near the front and…

Behold, the Christian Right Weekly Round-Up!

Now this looks like a job for me so everybody just grab a seat
‘Cause we need a sexy homily,
‘Cause the Christian Right feels so empty

5.  That Sticky, Emotional, Lusty Thingy (Biblical Batteries Not Included), according to Christianity Today: “The Real Problem with Female Mast**bation”

It’s not often that any one Christian Media source can hold our attention through multiple articles. But CT has done the impossible this week. A round of righteous applause!

Consider the article above and let us imagine how a recent editorial meeting at Christianity Today may have transpired:

Editor: Readership is dragging, people. Ideas, anyone?
Chuck the Parking Garage Attendant: Mast**bation?
HR Manager: Chuck, you’re fired.
Editor: Hold on. Now say that again.
Chuck the Parking Garage Attendant: Mast**bation! Female mast**bation! I want to read about females stroking themselves! In context with biblical teachings, of course. Also, we should review Muppets Most Wanted.
Editor: Chuck, there may be a position for you in development.

“It’s refreshing to finally hear women talking about female mast**bation,” begins Jordan Monge’s listless theological assay on solitary sex from an Evangelical perspective.

Oh, I probably shouldn’t be so harsh. It’s a big deal any time the “M” word comes into the mainstream of Evangelical subculture. (Pun? Where, what pun?)

But, holy shit, I can hardly believe how much religious conservatives obsess over God obsessing over everyone’s genitals. If Christians spent half as much energy caring for the poor and needy, Planet Earth would be ideally positioned for the foreseeable future.

I don’t know. At this point, I’m willing to trust science wholeheartedly for two things: cosmology and sexual stress relief. And not necessarily in that order. Here are a couple of WebMD articles to supplement Monge’s ovulating-centric lust thingamabob:

For men.  Key quote: “The fact is that most guys mast**bate. They mast**bate if they’re single, in a bad relationship, or in a great relationship. It’s just something they do that has nothing to do with their partners.” Synopsis: Men are singularly impressive instrumentalists.

For women.  Key quote: “Fingers and vib**tors are two common methods of women’s mast**bation. More than half of 2,056 women, aged 18 to 60, used a vib**tor either during mast**bation or intercourse, says Debby Herbenick, PhD, MPH, associate director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University, Bloomington, who led the survey.” Synopsis: Invest in Energizer.

At the end of the day, I’ll bet anything Jesus mast**bated.  (Or that we have no reason to believe he didn’t.)  But even if we had proof he did, the theocrats among us still wouldn’t grant ladies the equal freedom to do the same.

4. That Sticky, Emotional, Lusty Thingy (Part II), according to Christianity Today: “Bill Gothard Breaks Silence on Harassment Claims by 30 Women”

Back in March, we reported on Evangelical Kingpin Bill Gothard’s sex bonanza scandal in the following manner:

BILL GOTHARD IS DISGRACED!  HIS MESSAGE IS HORSESHIT!

RUN FOR THE PROGRESSIVE HILLS!

On April 17, Bill Gothard finally broke his silence in a written statement—which, if you can believe it, still arrogantly contains the header “dedicated to helping youth and families make wise decisions.” Personally, it makes me even more sick to my spiritual stomach to see Gothard quote the Book of Revelation in self-flagellating reference to his own shitty behavior. (You don’t get to apply the Book of Revelation to yourself, Bill!)

Um, Bill, also, I think there are plenty of women who have had a heaping helping of your “wisdom.” Time to retire the “chain of command” act. (Seriously, readers, feel free to sign this letter to send Bill a message of your discontent.)

Anyway, I think we’ve found the answer to Jordan Monge’s sticky, emotional, lusty female mast**bation thingy. Ladies, if you’re feeling tempted to pull out your electric Big-O machine and ride off carnally into the sunset with Bradley Cooper, instead, just imagine Bill Gothard. That should ground you.

Thank you, Christianity Today, for continuing to cover this very important story. Honest.

3. On Earth as it is in Pennies from Heaven, according to Christianity Today: You Probably Love (or Hate) ‘Heaven Is For Real’ for All the Wrong Reasons”

Yes, while Christianity Today is busy reviewing such pagan films as Muppets Most Wanted and Pompeii, they are also taking the time to cover Near Death Experiences (NDE) as portrayed in the recent Greg Kinnear Hollywood vehicle Heaven is for Real. For reals. Were it not for the former Talk Soup host, we might not even be discussing ecstatic experiences this very moment. Hello, E! validation!

Actually, Kyle Rohane’s article is a mildly interesting consideration of NDEs down through the ages, from St. Francis to Teresa of Avila and with the concluding thought: “But we live in a mysterious world, and we shouldn’t be surprised when we encounter the miraculous and the supernatural.”

To which I would like to add my own haiku assessment:

How come Buddhists ne’er
See Christ in NDEs, nor
Christians the Buddha?

p.s. By the way, if you want my advice, close your eyes if you ever get that close to God.

2. Even More Mast**bation Might Actually Take Care of All of This, according to Christianity Today: James Dobson’s Birthday Gift: Latest Court Victory Over Obamacare Contraception”

Read it and weep, Progressives. This is what happens when you don’t show up to the polls—when you give theocrats a halfway decent chance of taking over our Little Blue Planet.

Can you imagine what the hell people in Scandinavia and France must think when they read such garbage?

1. Indiana Jones Cartoon Legos—Why the Hell Not—at YouTube 

Sometimes we just like to imagine the theological place of random things:

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form.

But eventually Danish primates became intelligent enough to create building block toys that ultimately resulted in a billion-dollar Indiana Jones video game industry.

And it was good. Or at least better than syphilis.

Check out the Disco Dancin’ Lego Nazi Apocalypse about 6 minutes in.

God struck Onan dead for less, so it seems.

When is someone at Christianity Today or WebMD going to tackle this critical stuff?!

That’s a wrap!

Please turn in your hymnals to No. 1995.

And just why do we present the Christian Right Weekly Round-Up each week?

We used to know; then we read all these articles about Mast**bation and Near Death Experience and Legos, and we’re decidedly confused.

Maybe it has something to do with the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) netting nearly $300 million per year in revenue. Then again, CBN is dwarfed in comparison to the nearly $900 million raked in annually by the Trinity Broadcasting Network (TBN).

But TBN and CBN are mere bright stars in a galactic empire of hundreds of Christian news and media organizations like the National Religious Broadcasters and the Evangelical Press Association.

By the way, don’t forget that the Christian Right accounts for nearly one-third of America’s voters.

Not only that, but here’s a list of what’s on the line in November 2014:

—All 435 seats of the U.S. House of Representatives

—33 seats in the U.S. Senate

—46 State Legislatures

—And 38 State and Territorial Governorships.

SO REMEMBER—PLEASE, THIS IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN MAST**BATION: The November 2014 Election is only this many days away. VOTE!!

 

 

[Note: G***le banned this article the first time it was submitted—you guessed it—because the words mast**bation and vib**tor were spelled out in full. Also, the original title was “Vib**tors, Jars of Clay & Heavenly Haikus.” Why does G***le act like a priggish fundamentalist? The world may never know.]

Arik Bjorn

Arik Bjorn lives in Columbia, South Carolina. He was the Democratic Party / Green Party fusion candidate for U.S. Congress in the 2nd Congressional District of South Carolina. Visit the archive for Arik’s campaign website, and check out his latest book, So I Ran for Congress. You can also follow his political activities on Twitter @Bjorn2RunSC and on Facebook. And be sure to check out more from Arik in his archives!

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  • Arik Bjorn

    Sorry for the long rain delay today, folks. We were held up because someone turned on a vib**tor and the cyber police went bonkers!

    • Pipercat

      I’m beginning to wonder if you have been blacklisted somehow. Luckily, I have an expert on Google to whom I will inquire…