Hello, I’m Deacon Duvet!
Welcome to our Thanksgiving Day potluck at Cubic Zirconium Ministries! And my apologies on behalf of Pastor Pillow, who is unable to join us this evening. As you may be aware, he’s been called away to provide political futurism advice (or prophesying, as we call it behind the pulpit) for the Trump Campaign. The Donald’s never been much of a spiritual man, but he’s beginning to realize he could have knocked off one or two bankruptcies with some professional spiritual discernment in his back pocket.
What’s this? Oh, you shouldn’t have! Thank you for your cold dish contribution! No, I agree, one can never have too much marshmallow ambrosia. Allow me to raise a glass of Meier’s sparkling, non-alcoholic Cold Duck in your honor—especially if you take this opportunity right now to renew your annual congregational membership dues.
There’s just so much to be thankful for this year. Our Praise the Puritans Feast will begin shortly, so you’ll want to grab a seat. Just as a reminder, throughout the potluck, we go around the Koinonia Hall and ask each head of household to stand and announce something he is grateful for. See our Mexican janitor, Miguel, over there? Yes, the one dressed like Squanto; he’ll come around with a microphone when it’s your time to share.
Anyway, sometimes parishioners get a bit tongue-tied—not everyone’s blessed with the gift of public speaking—so I thought I would offer up some general reasons to be grateful this Thanksgiving in case you need one or two inspirational ideas:
- Praise the Lord our congregation remains Syrian Refugee-free. We look forward to a Trump Presidency, where our entire nation will be one big gated community under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for al—I mean, for select Evangelicals.
- God bless the Second Amendment. Not only does Jesus have the wheel, but the Holy Ghost’s got the 9-millimeter! Behold, I stand at the door with a Glock!
- Hallelujah! Soon poor women will have to sneak across the border to Ottawa for quality family planning. (By the way, this fact alone makes Canadian expansion a worthwhile topic at the next Republican Presidential Debate.)
- Christian Lives Matter.
- The Lord didn’t just provide the turkey, He gave us Ken Ham as well. Before you know it, we’ll be able to take our families to Ark Encounter! (p.s. If you’ve got one or two million extra to spare, let the folks over at Answers in Genesis know.)
- Jesus gave us Sarah Palin to prepare the way of The Donald.
- I don’t know about you, but I’ll take the wisdom of Scripture over science any day. Also, thank God Columbus didn’t rely on science—we wouldn’t even have a Thanksgiving if he had known an entire continent stood between him and Asia.
- Glory be for global warming! Something’s got to get us closer to the End Times. (Plus, bless the blood moons.)
- Vladimir Putin and Russia—or Gog & Magog, as the biblical prophets would have us call it. A strong Russia means a strong American military. And a strong American military means a strong-arm economy. And a strong-arm economy means pressed down, shaken and filled to the rim, Cubic Zirconium Cathedral platinum-plated offering plates. Cha-ching!
- Russell Crowe. I’m still holding out for a Noah sequel.
Please open your hymnals to No. 1863:
Stiff all in the collar, fluffy in the face
Chit chat chatter tryin’, stuffy in the place
Thank you for the Republican Party but I could never stay
Many things is on my mind, words in the way
Here are five articles from the Christian Right Media over the past week that remind progressives of the critical need to show up at the polls on Tuesday, November 8, 2016, if ever we are to right the Good Ship Civilization:
5. “Why Do They Hate Donald Trump?” via Wisconsin Christian News
If there were a hell, I imagine that the Great General Manager in the Sky might dangle the feet of the editor at Wisconsin Christian News ever so briefly above the eternal lava lake for permitting Coach Dave Daubenmire to insult Xs and Os on keyboards everywhere with a column naïve enough to suggest that “Democrats and Independents will vote for Trump as well, because they recognize that he is not a career politician.”
Head over to Coach Dave’s fundamentalist website, Pass the Salt, to see what Christian ISIS might ultimately look like should Donald Trump ever—Yahweh forbid!—make it to the White House. Just add a pinch of socioeconomic distress along with Coach Dave’s salt, and his “spiritual boot camps” might start looking like “warrior of God” training cells.
Sorry, but if you’re going to align yourself positively with Donald Trump in the name of the Gospel, I’m going to call out your antichrist reasoning.
4. “8 Grave Consequences of Being Unthankful” over at Charisma News
“Internationally known futurist” (whatever that is) Joseph Mattera wants you to know that our national mental health issues are the result of a “sociological system…not built upon being thankful to our Creator.” You know, when you’re right, your right: those Salem Puritans were such a culturally content lot.
Sigh. Why are fundamentalists so intent on throwing cold gravy on a fun holiday like Thanksgiving? It’s not enough to tell people to give thanks: you have to threaten them that they will “repel the presence of God” if they don’t.
Beyond this, Mattera is a public health loose cannon: “the greatest tool in fighting depression is not medication but worshipping the Creator…” Really? Maybe the real reason we have so many mental health issues—and tragedies—in this country is because people trust sources like Charisma News.
3. “Family Research Council Condemns Shooting at Planned Parenthood” a la Family Research Council
Don’t you just love it when a hate group denounces a hate crime? It just feels oh so spiritually symmetrical.
Before you start cozying up to the Family Research Council for its condemnation of the recent Planned Parenthood tragedy in Colorado, keep in mind that the Southern Poverty Law Center lists Family Research Council as an anti-LBGT hate group whose leader, Tony Perkins, has a particularly “sordid” past—and present, for that matter.
In response, Tony Perkins claims that his organization is “the target of domestic terrorism inspired by the Southern Poverty Law Center.” Um, if ever a pot called a kettle black.
Ah, the legacy of James Dobson. Way to go, fundies. Way. To. Go.
2. “Thanksgiving” over at Institute for Creation Research
Let us not forget, there are millions of fundamentalists who would have us believe that turkeys and velociraptors are contemporary cousins. Creationism or cranberry sauce, you decide.
1. “Justin Bieber’s Tour Being Pegged Megachurch Service” at Christian Post
Listen, who am I to judge if he of a billion Beliebers has now himself a believer become? Just promise us this won’t translate into a follow-up to the Britney SPEARS Gospel musical.
That’s a wrap!
And don’t forget! Pastor Pillow now makes national radio guest appearances on The Horn: The Head On Radio Network. Click to hear Pastor Pillow’s October 14 and November 11 tent revival segments with Brother Bob Kincaid. Pastor Pillow’s next Prayer Meetin’ Wednesday is December 9 at 6 p.m. ET. Mark your calendars and tune in!
Also, Human Beings Everywhere: Follow The Golden Rule.
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