Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Fracking, Flannelgraphs, Flood Flicks & Whale Wieners

564666_10153902772210422_2107532581_nWell, folks, it turns out that a certain mega-internet technology company doesn’t like the human anatomy any more than most Tea Party politicians.  (Dang, I would hate to be a health care essayist writing about HIV or ovarian cancer or urology.)  At any rate, here’s the cut G-rated version of this week’s Christian Right Weekly Round-up!

Pastor Pillow here!

At this time, we would like to dismiss all children to their respective Sunday School classes.  As well as all Kansas and Arizona legislators.  Also, President Yoweri Museveni of Uganda.

On second thought, everybody in the front pews, please squeeze together and make room for the aforementioned politicians to come on down to the front rows.

Welcome to Sex Ed Sunday, parishioners!

Please turn in your hymnals to No. 69.

While we all enjoy a little Lords of Acid, please strongly consider donating to the “Rescue Fund to Help LGBT People Escape Africa” fund.  (It’s for a good cause; just ask Erin Nanasi.)

Now, where were we?  Ah, yes.  As you can see, I have my flannelgraph set up beside the podium.  ♪ Let’s get visual, visual ♪

Before we begin, let’s all take off our pants.  Don’t worry.  We’re all adults here; it’s just for visual aid purposes.

Underneath all these textile materials, we all look the same.  Or at least half of us look like one half, the other half the same.

Saggy skin, mucus, irritated pores, puffy glands, tumescence, hemorrhoids, pustules, hairy armpits, barnyard smells and the like.  Gravity, entropy weighing us all down.  Yet every single cell stamped with an Imago Dei Seal of Approval.

Seriously, from this point on, be warned:  we’re about to show [WORD CENSORED] and talk about things only hitherto discussed in movies like Caligula and certain passages of Genesis.

For those of you bothered by such things, we understand.  Instead please spend today’s service perusing this list of conservative politician sex scandals.

Now, back to the flannelgraph:

This, friends, is a [WORD AND LINK CENSORED].

Oops!  Well, it is, but it’s the [WORD CENSORED] of a mallard duck.

This is a human male [WORD AND LINK CENSORED].

And this is human female [WORD AND LINK CENSORED].

Dammit!  Who threw in that Australian brushtail possum cloaca?!  (WAIT, CAN WE SAY “CLOACA”?)

This, actually, is human female [WORD AND LINK CENSORED].

(I must admit I rather like this image, as it has all the parts labeled clearly for certain ill-informed Texas governors.  Although I’m fairly certain that the future Texas governor already knows these parts.)


How’s everybody holding up so far?  I haven’t heard anybody call out the safeword yet—which, by the way, is “Ezekiel 23:20.”

I figure that I’m sitting pretty so long as I stay on the near side of Onan refusing to procreate with his dead brother’s wife by [WORD CENSORED] on the ground.

“Ezekiel 23:20!”

Sorry, Senator Melvin of Arizona, you can’t use the safeword for that one.  That story’s actually in the Bible.

All right, where were we.  Ah, yes.  [WORDS CENSORED].

Members of Christendom—especially those in the front pews—I don’t know how else to do this.  Let’s be frank:

  1. There are human beings with [WORD CENSORED] who seek loving relationships with those who have [WORD CENSORED].
  2. There are human beings with [WORD CENSORED] who seek loving relationships with those who have [WORD CENSORED].
  3. There are human beings with [WORD CENSORED] who seek loving relationships with those who have [WORD CENSORED] and/or [WORD CENSORED].
  4. There are human beings with [WORD CENSORED] who seek loving relationships with those who have [WORD CENSORED].
  5. There are human beings with [WORD CENSORED] who seek loving relationships with those who have [WORD CENSORED].
  6. There are human beings with [WORD CENSORED] who seek loving relationships with those who have [WORD CENSORED] and/or [WORD CENSORED].

We understand that many of you are confused or frightened by Numbers 2, 3, 5 and 6.  (ESPECIALLY NOW THAT YOU CAN’T READ ANY OF THE CENSORED WORDS.  LET ME GIVE YOU A HINT, THOUGH.  ONE RHYMES WITH “VENUS” AND THE OTHER WITH—SHIT, NOTHING RHYMES WITH THAT OTHER WORD.  UM, JUST THINK, SLANG FOR “CAT.”)

You seem to think that these human beings express themselves sexually different than you or I—that they run around flaunting their [WORD CENSORED], eager to dry [WORD CENSORED] any soft tree knot that presents itself.  That they are eager receptacles of debauched [WORD CENSORED], fluids a’ spewin’ a la Old Faithful.

But the truth is, they aren’t different.  Not at all.  Not one teeny-weeny, itsy-bitsy bit.

And, um, if you’ll notice, the Messiah failed to say otherwise.

Non-heterosexual people look like you and me.  Smell like you and me.  Are as bored to death on Wednesday afternoon at the office like you or me.  Pay taxes like you and me.  Get sad like you and me.  Want hugs and affirmation like you and me.  Hunt and fish like you and me.  Play defensive end like you and me.  Drink from the same water fountains as you and me.  Sit on the same buses as you and me.  Vote like you and me (well, maybe they vote a tad more Democrat).  Kiss like you and me.  [WORD CENSORED] like you and me.  Worship the same God as you and me.  Preach from the pulpit like you and me.  Go to Heaven like your and me.

The only difference is—YOU can’t stop thinking about THEIR [WORD CENSORED].

So, for once and all, let’s all get it out of our systems.

[WORD CENSORED] [WORD CENSORED] [WORD CENSORED] [WORD CENSORED] [WORD CENSORED] [WORD CENSORED] [WORD CENSORED].  All God’s Creation, all in this world together.

Seriously.  Repeat after me:

[WORD CENSORED] [WORD CENSORED] [WORD CENSORED] [WORD CENSORED] [WORD CENSORED] [WORD CENSORED] [WORD CENSORED]All God’s Creation, all in this world together.

Everybody, all together now:

[WORD CENSORED] [WORD CENSORED] [WORD CENSORED] [WORD CENSORED] [WORD CENSORED] [WORD CENSORED] [WORD CENSORED]All God’s Creation, all in this world together.

Ever seen southern right whales [WORD AND LINK CENSORED]?

Here’s how these beautiful leviathans get it on.  A bunch of male whales converge on an eager female.  The pod writhes in an orgy of slapping 12-foot [WORD CENSORED, RHYMES WITH “CORK”] and foaming [WORD CENSORED, RHYMES WITH “WORM”].  Some of the cetacean zygotes make their way into the female.  Mostly, though, males just swim away covered in each other’s [WORD CENSORED, RHYMES WITH “WORM”].

Yeah, yeah.  I know.  Humans are totally different.  Because BBC wouldn’t dream of hiring David Attenborough to narrate the human version of this display.

Welcome to our Little Blue Planet.  The one that God created—for some of you, a mere 6,000 years ago.

And if you think that’s disgusting:  just remember that for every one of your 1 trillion cells, there are 10 microorganisms crawling all over you.

Yeah, no matter how you spin it, no matter how many morally repugnant, discriminatory laws you draft, the world isn’t the heterosexual, white-glove test Pleasantville that your Leviticus-obsessed minds sadly need it to be.

God is the God of the heterosexual, the homosexual, the bisexual, the cross dresser, the transgender.  Even the God of the [SEXUAL DEFORMITY CENSORED] and the [SEXUAL DEFORMITY CENSORED].

(Get back to us, though—we’re still checking to see if God is willing to claim Ted Nugent.)

Listen, I can’t say it any better than Archbishop Tutu did this past week:

“We must be entirely clear about this:  the history of people is littered with attempts to legislate against love or marriage across class, caste, and race.  But there is no scientific basis or genetic rationale for love.  There is only the grace of God.  There is no scientific justification for prejudice and discrimination, ever.  And nor is there any moral justification.  Nazi Germany and apartheid South Africa, among others, attest to these facts.”

For God’s sake, all you stuck-up, homogeneous, hypocritical, ultraconservative fundamentalist [INSERT WORLD RELIGION]:  take the time to meet a few gay folks.

You’ll be floored by how similar they are to you—especially when you hug them.

All right.  Time for this heterosexual single-parent Roman Catholic male—who, by happenstance, is as chaste as a loaf of Trappist monk raisin bread yet who is willing to stand in front of a Tiananmen tank to defend the basic human rights of HOMOSEXUALS EVERYWHERE—to get his [WORD CENSORED] down to his local sanctuary later this afternoon.

And he’s going to take the Eucharist.

And he’s not going to feel even the slightest pang of guilt about anything he’s written above.

Because we are all human beings.

And God loves us, each and every one.  [WORDS CENSORED] all.

Best you do the same.

Behold, the Christian Right Weekly Round-Up.

5.  The Crude Minced Oath, according to Christianity Today:  “Fracking Isn’t a Four-Letter Word”

Here we go again.

Everyone, toss your car keys into the bowl and frack like there’s no tomorrow.  Now even conservative Christians agree:  “Fracking weakens regimes that persecute Christians.”

No, seriously, that’s a quotation—it really is—from author Chris Horst.

Horst continues with his head irretrievably up his Imago Dei-stamped [WORD CENSORED]:  “Five of the world’s top ten fuel exporters are countries with either ‘extreme’ or ‘severe’ persecution of Christians.”

All the more reason to frack.

Not only that, but the oil and gas industry fulfills the Christian mission to “be good neighbors.”

As my good friend Ben says, in that case, we should consider “predator drones a love letter from God.”

By the way, in case you’re wondering, the fracking industry has earned its bad reputation simply because of “a problem of language:  fracking sounds like a four-letter expletive.”

At least Christianity Today had the common sense to conclude this cursed piece with the following disclaimer:  “The views expressed in this essay are his own.”

I have reviewed some pretty stupid articles since this column began, but this is without a fracking doubt the single worst dung-beetle-birling-on-a-hyena-turd article any Christian Media website has ever published.

Way to go, Christianity Today.

I really should just stop there, but I simply MUSTinclude this quote:

“Sure, alternative energy sources like wind, solar, and geothermal exist—and we should continue to invest in developing them—but those produce only one percent of the world’s total energy. Conversely, 81 percent of the world’s energy is derived from petroleum products.”

Duh, Nimrod!  And the only reason this is the case is because humans have only begun to harness alternative energy sources.  Just how much did OPEC pay you to write this crap?

4.  Fundamentalist Disneyland Within Sight, over at Christian Broadcasting News:  “Flood of Funding to Make Noah’s Ark a Reality”

Seriously, what sounds crazier:  two men getting married, or a theme park for delusional cosmologists who think that once upon a time all of the animals in the world were stuffed inside a wooden boat and rode out one helluva rain storm?


No, it gets better—I mean worse, WAY WORSE:  “Visitors will float down an imaginary Nile River and experience the 10 plagues God rained down on Pharaoh’s Egypt when he wouldn’t free the Hebrew people enslaved in his country.”

ARE YOU FRACKING KIDDING ME?!?!

What sane parent would EVER allow his or her child to participate in a theme park ride that culminated in a celebration of the Death of the Firstborn Plague?!?!

Lots, apparently.  Theme park director Patrick Marsh “pointed to research indicating two-thirds of Americans will want to come to this Bible-centered site, 1.2 million minimum in just the first year alone.”

I.  Just.  Can’t.  Believe.  The.  World.  I.  Live.  In.

3.  Fundamentalists Brace for Inconsistencies in Cinematic Fable, so says The Christian Post:  “Studio Disclaimer: Noah Blockbuster ‘Takes Liberties’ but Remains Faithful to Bible Themes”

No, a theme park isn’t enough.  They need a movie about Noah’s Flood, too.

Yet the Christian Right Media is warning fundamentalist nutjobs everywhere that the fantasy film about a Flood that never happened isn’t necessarily historically accurate.

Here’s the appeal from National Religious Broadcasters President and CEO, Jerry A. Johnson:

“People may assume that this film is a straightforward retelling of the biblical Noah narrative—the movie trailer might lead them to believe that as well … It is not.  It is instead a dramatic story based upon Noah that contains a lot of extra-biblical material.”

What sounds crazier:  two women getting married, or a movie starring Russell Crowe about a myth that never happened and a bunch of Christians warning other Christians that the movie about the myth that never happened contains fictional episodes about said event that never happened—and the fact that a 450-foot-long boat could not possibly have held all of the non-marine animal species in the world, and even if it could, can you imagine how bad that boat must have smelled from the shit from 8 million-plus species somehow stuffed inside it and who cares if this is a run-on sentence because apparently the world has gone completely frack-[WORD CENSORED] mad?

2.  Face Palm, Another Film About Jesus Christ:  “A Bold Statement, A Beautiful Movie”

Yes, in addition to all of the above, there is a new movie about Jesus.  It’s called Son of God.

At least no one is building a theme park, to my knowledge, that includes a “Watch the Romans Whip the Crap out of the Messiah” rollercoaster.

You know, the day that Quentin Tarantino makes a movie called Judges 19, the Levite Who Sliced & Diced His Concubine, I think I’ll be okay with another Jesus movie.

Seriously take a second to read this chapter.  How come no one ever makes movies about these Bible stories?

One more time, what sounds crazier:  a person getting a sex reassignment or producers spending $22 million on a movie about Jesus when there are already 30 brazillion Messiah movies?

1.  Christian Television Porn Star Shares Faith Message, from The Gospel Herald:  “‘The Bachelor’ Sean Lowe Shares His Christian Testimony on ‘I am Second’”

Normally we like to end on a positive note.

Um, that’s not going to happen this week.

This is an article about Sean Lowe, a former “contestant” on the pornographic television show “The Bachelor.”

Sean Lowe can’t wait to share “his testimony” with us:  “It’s unnatural to date 25 women at one time, and it felt wrong—a lot of the time it felt wrong…”

Wait, did I hear you correctly?

You dated 25 WOMEN AT ONE TIME?!

25?!  As in 5 times 5?  Or 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1?

But, Gospel Herald, you expect me to believe that God has a problem with this?

Man oh man, maybe we do need a Cineplex twin-bill Flood & Jesus film.  And soon.

That’s a wrap!

Please turn in your hymnals to No. Soixante-Neuf.

And just why do we present the Christian Right Weekly Round-Up each week?

According to Forbes, the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) alone brings in nearly $300 million per year in revenue. CBN isn’t alone in the 9-figure Radical Right Revenue Game. According to the website Ministry Watch, CBN is dwarfed in comparison to the nearly $900 million raked in annually by the Trinity Broadcasting Network (TBN).

But TBN and CBN are mere bright stars in a galactic empire of hundreds of Christian news and media organizations. If you have a few minutes to spare, review the membership lists of the National Religious Broadcasters and the Evangelical Press Association.

Each and every one of these Christian media organizations have one thing in common: they report news to members of the Christian Right across the Fruited Plain. And the Christian Right account for nearly one-third of America’s voters.

Not only that, but here’s a list of what’s on the line in November 2014:

—All 435 seats of the U.S. House of Representatives

—33 seats in the U.S. Senate

—46 State Legislatures

—And 38 State and Territorial Governorships.

Sorry to preach politics from the pulpit, but if that doesn’t scare the shit out of you enough to submit an early 2014 ballot, I don’t know what will.

See you next week.

And a final message for people everywhere, don’t forget: the November 2014 election is this many days away.

DID YOU NOT READ ANY OF THE ABOVE?!  GO GET IN LINE TO VOTE!!  PLEASE!!  CIVILIZATION DEPENDS ON YOU!!

Arik Bjorn

Arik Bjorn lives in Columbia, South Carolina. He was the Democratic Party / Green Party fusion candidate for U.S. Congress in the 2nd Congressional District of South Carolina. Visit the archive for Arik’s campaign website, and check out his latest book, So I Ran for Congress. You can also follow his political activities on Twitter @Bjorn2RunSC and on Facebook. And be sure to check out more from Arik in his archives!

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  • Arik Bjorn

    Sorry to those of you who earlier put up some wonderful comments. Your thoughts were the victim of censorship as well. Feel free to repost. Thanks!

  • Pipercat

    Well, what a load of bull [PART OF WORD CENSORED]. What the [WORD CENSORED] is wrong the these mother [FIRST PERSON PLURAL WORD CENSORED]! They can all kiss my [BODY PART CENSORED] and suck on this: [GESTURE CENSORED]!

  • nextstep99

    lets try again….
    ..and after the theme park ride all who were disappointed with the recent veto by Governor Brewer are invited to the new Promised Land and where your beliefs will allow you to fit right in … Hallelujah! And pass the one-way tickets – the new ark leaves just before the Rapture to Uganda!

  • Chris Horst

    Arik – Thanks for taking the time to read and engage the piece I wrote on fracking. It’s clear we disagree substantively on these issues, but I’m grateful you were willing to read it. I appreciate candor and conviction, both of which you clearly have in spades.