Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Addresses the Joint Chiefs

unnamed-59Hello, I’m Pastor Pillow!

It’s not every day a man of the cloth is invited to address the Joint Chiefs of Staff. So to begin, I want this august body to know that Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries is always here to serve Uncle Sam, Adam Smith and Lady Liberty. I wouldn’t call that the American Trinity under the roof of my Spirit-filled Prosperity Gospel megachurch, but I know I’m amongst friends today.

God is on our side. May all principalities and former Soviet satellites tremble.

Also, I come to the Beltway bearing gastronomic gifts: covered dishes and peach cobbler from Mrs. Pillow, which I imagine is better than anything the Pentagon mess crew can whip up. These foodstuffs were prepared by recent college graduates who we’ve taken into the Pillow Ranch & Estate as indentured servants—student loans can be such a bake-bricks-without-straw burden these days. And it’s becoming increasingly hard to come by good illegal aliens.

Before I forget, don’t let me leave without snapping a couple of group photos of me with the generals and admirals. Look, I even wore a Forzieri camouflage necktie to match my camo leather Bible case. A couple of those photos in the church bulletin will do wonders for all First, Second, Third, even Fourth offerings for weeks to follow—heck, we might even be able to finish funding the Abomination of Desolation Roller Coaster in the Noah’s Ark Theme Park & Petting Zoo. Ever try speaking in tongues in negative G-force, by the way?

But I digress. As you know, you requested that me and my trusty prophetic staff brainstorm ideas to offset the pending Vatican Army offensive, which is scheduled to hit our sacred shores in September.

Don’t tell me it’s a coincidence that Pope Franky chose Philadelphia as one of his little stop-off spots. Brotherly Love, my Balaam’s ass! That Profligate Bishop of Rome is after the Liberty Bell if you ask me.

Speaking of ass, I hope you’ve got an NSA tail on that other Christian Commie, Bernie Sanders. If those two Marxist mountebanks get within 50 miles of each other, you may want to consider calling up the spirit of Joe McCarthy to active duty.

If there’s anything the Kingdom of God simply cannot abide, it’s people intent on spreading a message of peace and sharing.

Anyway, I don’t mean to drone on. Get it! Ha! Here are the Top Ten ideas we came up with. With billions of defense dollars at your disposal, I’m sure you can make any or all of these things happen. Here, have some cobbler.

10. “Halo: Old Testament Conquest.” We’ve already got meetings lined up with Bungie. It’s time to remind Christians from sea to shining sea that Jehovah is a slingshot first, ask later kind of deity.

9. Heaven or Hell Facial App. The science is there, gentlemen! Computers can now be programmed, with a little encouragement, to identify whether a person is more heaven-bound or hell-bound. Of course, everyone’s a little hell-bound, aren’t they? And we can set up the app so that hell-bounders between the ages of 18 to 35 are directed for recourse straight to a U.S. military recruiting center; ages above 35, to the nearest Cubic Zirconium Ministries megachurch subsidiary.

8. WWE wrestler named The Crusader. Stars & Stripes tattoo on his back integrated with the text from John 3:16. May need some work. Deacon Duvet came up with that one.

7. Reinstate under-the-desk nuclear explosion drills in schools. Tagline: You never know when a non-Christian backpack terrorist will strike. Man, that one alone could drum up enough business for me that I’m forced to build a new mezzanine level in our sanctuary.

6. Kirk Cameron’s Apocalypse of St. John. Listen, it wouldn’t be the first time the Department of Defense funded a propaganda film. And, besides, after Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas, I hear my buddy could use the work.

5. Psalm 151. Listen, there are already 150 psalms in the Bible, so it’s not like anyone’s going to notice if we slip in a new one. Just imagine the retribution and divine vengeance possibilities. Don’t forget to slip in a couple of references about the lute or pan flute or harpsichord or whatever the heck it was King David played.

4. Empire. I know we’re a democratic republic and everything, but nothing unites several hundred million capitalists more than a sense of pure superiority. I’d like to see the word “empire” make more than the occasional appearance in recruiting brochures and Roger Ailes bullet point memos.

3. The Christian Flag. Can someone please tell me why this isn’t already flying atop every federal building and U.S. military installation? Hello, Pentagon! Don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about.

2. I would like to read aloud from Psalm 151:4: “Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran.”

1. Three words: President Rick Perry.

Please open your hymnals to No. 911.

These are the days of great trials
Of famine and darkness and sword
Still we are the voice in the desert crying
Prepare ye the way of the Lord!

{That’s the scariest video we’ve ever posted.}

Behold, the Christian Right Weekly Round-Up!

Think Fox News is a journalistic joke? Trust me, Roger Ailes can’t hold a light under a bushel compared to the Christian Right Media. According to Forbes, the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) rakes in nearly $300 million per year in revenue. And CBN is a mere bright star in a galactic empire of right-wing Christian media organizations, including members of the National Religious Broadcasters and the Evangelical Press Association and beyond.

In the name of Christ, these news outlets perpetuate racism, sexism, classism and militarism every day across the Fruited Plain. So if you’re looking for a good excuse to mail your write-in ballot for Hillary/Bernie today or apply for political asylum at the nearest Finnish consulate, check out these five articles:

5. Pew on Life in the Pews, via Christianity Today: Pew: Evangelicals Stay Strong as Christianity Crumbles in America”

One in four U.S. citizens identifies as Evangelical Protestant. That translates to about 62 million people (who aren’t likely to vote for Hillary, let alone Bernie).

By the way, here’s the actual Pew Research Center study on “America’s Changing Religious Landscape.”

The Pew study breaks down Christian Protestants into three primary categories: Evangelical, Mainline and Historically Black, yet neglects to provide functional definitions for these categories. The following several articles may assist to this end.

4. The Spiritual Sky is Falling!, so says Christian Broadcasting Network: “Why is the Shield Crumbling?”

The following video interview of Bishop Harry R. Jackson Jr. of Hope Christian Church in Maryland may help establish the difference between Mainline Christianity and the other categories in the Pew study above.

Sentences like the following tend not to be made in more theologically progressive Mainline environments: “I am going to put a force field of blessing around all that you are and all that you do.” Neither do Mainlines typically talk quite so much about how God “may be lifting His hand of protection from the United States.”

Add “the roiling Muslim world,” and you might just have yourself an Evangelical hoedown.

3. The Bible Belt Buckles Up, via Christian Post: Poll: 60% of Tennessee Voters Want the Bible to Be Official State Book”

Oh, I really hope Tennessee does this and accidentally makes it the Jefferson Bible.

2. ‘Hot Tub Time Machine,’ Meet ‘Jesus Jacuzzi,’ over at Charisma News: Angelic Hosts Are Stirring in the Waters of America”

Still seeking a working definition of “Evangelical Christianity”? Come to the whirlpool waters of self-proclaimed prophetess, Lana Vawser:

“The Lord is wanting to bring about a great turning in the United States and set her high on a hill to shine to all the other nations of the world, releasing a Song of Victory across the entire earth that a nation can be turned around by the power of prayer and His people moving together in one accord in intercession.

“For the Lord desires the White House to be a place that is governed from purity and righteousness. He has not given up on the White House and He does not want His people to give up on it too.”

Damn, if God hasn’t given up on the White House, then there’s still hope for my love life!

1. Chinese Cross Nazi, “No Cross For You!” via ABC News: Chinese Province to Ban Rooftop Christian Crosses”

China has something up its craw when it comes to crosses. And you know what, that’s not cool. Then again, I wonder if Chinese officials have spent some time surfing the web for crosses gone wild across the Evangelical Empire. And, yes, they have them in Canada too.

That’s a wrap!

Please open your hymnals to No. 1993.

You plant a demon seed
You raise a flower of fire
See them burning crosses
See the flames higher and higher

Progressives, the November Elections are—damn, you missed it. It’s too late. While we Progressives sat around drinking craft beer, more than one-third of our fellow fundamentalist countrymen rushed to the polls and elected the most idiotic group of human beings ever yet to rule a superpower.

But don’t worry. We’ll get another shot to right the Good Ship Civilization (subliminal hyperlink to Bernie 2016) on Tuesday, November 8, 2016. Hopefully our Little Blue Planet will still be alive and kicking by then. And hopefully we can all get off our Balaam’s asses this time and find a voting booth.

Arik Bjorn

Arik Bjorn lives in Columbia, South Carolina. He was the Democratic Party / Green Party fusion candidate for U.S. Congress in the 2nd Congressional District of South Carolina. Visit the archive for Arik’s campaign website, and check out his latest book, So I Ran for Congress. You can also follow his political activities on Twitter @Bjorn2RunSC and on Facebook. And be sure to check out more from Arik in his archives!


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