You’re probably here to see Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries’ latest attraction, the Brother Dr. Ben Carson 3-D/Trinity Amazing Technicolor Pyramid Grain Silo Animatronic Wonder House.
Trust me, it’s unlike anything you’ve ever seen! Epcot, eat my Holy Spirit-girded shorts.
Here, hop in the CZC Ministries Porsche Garia Soleil de Minuit golf cart—it was my Secret Santa gift last year from Joel Osteen. Let’s zip on down past the Baptismal Font & Log Flume Splash Park on our way to the Wonder House. Today’s your lucky day; I have some free time before my Speaking-in-Tongues Weekly Teleconference with Senator Cruz and his Capitol Hill Cloud of Witnesses, so I can give you a guided tour!
Wait, you are paid up on your CZC Palladium Offering Plate membership dues, aren’t you? I have no intention of giving away the granary secrets of the pharaohs to some unpaying secular progressive. Heh!
Here we are. Let’s head on in and wend our way through the first exhibit, the Noah’s Ark Gopher Wood Extravaganza Diorama. Our curatorial team, supervised by Brother Dr. Ben Carson himself, spent literally hours on the Interweb researching the final resting places of Noah’s Ark. Following Hurricane Sandy, Noah’s vessel came to rest on Mt. Ararat, located just northeast of Hoboken, New Jersey. Um…sorry, just reading the guide card. Soon thereafter, the ark was taken apart board by board and used to construct Solomon’s Temple. Following the destruction of the Temple by the Babylonians in 586 B.C., the wood was collected and used in a lumber yard operated by Jesus’ dad, Joseph—who, like any good Republican, refused to pay United Brotherhood of Carpentry and Joiners of America dues.
Over the ages, wood from Noah’s Ark was used for a variety of godly construction projects, including the Crosses of Calvary, the Alamo, Babe Ruth’s bat, as well as the first Hobby Lobby, which David Green opened in Oklahoma City in 1972.
Here we are at the conclusion of the exhibit. We now find ourselves confronted with—what’s that plaque say—“a giant holographic version of Mars Hill, from which the Apostle Paul preached the Gospel to the illegal aliens of the Planet Romulus.” Um, not quite certain about some of the historical veracity here—that plaque might be an early draft.
Let’s head next to the Riddle of Ramesses Exhibit. On your right, you’ll see a dozen biblical reenactors (actually it’s the CZC Ministries Sunday worship band) beating an illegal immigrant (good Lord, that’s our church janitor, Diego!) and leaving him to rot in a pit…er…wow, that fake blood looks real…just like Joseph’s brothers did before selling him into slavery in Egypt. And next you’ll see a ship-in-a-bottle model of La Amistad, the Spanish schooner that carried Joseph from the Promised Land to the River Nile. Hold on—is that Donny Osmond, or just a wax figure, holding the bottle?
And, finally, the attraction centerpiece—um, an animatronic King Kong standing atop the Pyramid of Khufu guarding Joseph the Vizier’s Seven Years of Plenty Multigrain Cheerios Stash. Watch as—who wrote this?—watch as King Kong fends off the armies of Generals Alexander the Great and George S. Patton from the minions of Sauron the Necromancer. And remember, kids, Cheerios are Os that helps you grows! Deep under the pyramids, the Dwarves of Middle Earth built entire cities from the rock to store Joseph’s grain—until…um…until a large talking lion appeared wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a wardrobe…
Say, have you seen our Garden of Eden Reptile House? I’ve still got some time before Senator Cruz dials in. Let’s ditch this place and head on over and pet the snakes, why don’t we? Clearly Brother Dr. Carson isn’t quite finished working on this attraction.
Please open your hymnals to No. 2,560 B.C.E.
All the Republican Candidates on the stage say
Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh
Walk like an Egyptian
Every day, the Christian Right Media makes a financial killing reporting news with an outlandish slant to millions of Christian fundamentalists across the Fruited Plain. According to Forbes, the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) alone brings in nearly $300 million in annual revenue. Yet CBN is a mere bright star in a galaxy of hundreds of Christian Right Media organizations that put even Fox News to shame.
Here are five articles from the Christian Right Media over the past week that remind progressives of the critical need to show up at the polls on Tuesday, November 8, 2016, if ever we are to right the Good Ship Civilization:
5. “Dr. Ben Carson is the ‘Best-Liked Presidential Candidate—and He Can Win’” over at Charisma News
Ben Carson appears to be the Republican Presidential Candidate most-favored by Christian fundamentalists and Evangelicals. At the very least, Christian Right Media websites such as Charisma News are keenly aware that Carson currently butters the readership bread.
That said, the last time I checked, bearing false witness, or lying, was a serious violation of the Decalogue. Beyond that, Candidate Carson’s “unusual theory” about the Great Pyramids of Giza matters more than you might think. I attended Wheaton College, Evangelical Academic Mecca. My degree was in archaeology. While all of my ancient history professors were conservative Evangelicals, to a person, every single one of them would agree that Carson’s Amazing Technicolor Grain Silo Pyramid Theory is just one rung on the ladder above Holocaust denial.
Claiming “that Joseph built the pyramids to store grain” is as asinine an historical claim as any human being could make. It would be more intelligent to vote for a Candidate who believes that Minions were present during the reign of Pharaoh Khufu.
4. “Massive Survey Shows How U.S. Christians Changed from 2007 to 2014” a la Christianity Today
With a headline like this, I expected a giant, armor-clad Philistine to come up over the hill and bash me over the head with a clipboard. What exactly is a MASSIVE survey?
Anyway, here’s the saddest fact from Pew Research Center’s “Religious Landscape Study”: only 46% of Americans “feel a sense of wonder about the universe.” That, despite the fact that Ken Ham is hard at work preparing the Ark Encounter for all the world to behold.
3. “Demons Unrestrained on Earth” over at Wisconsin Christian News
The only thing worse would be strained demons, because that would mean dangerously dry demons, right? Now where’s my charismatic colander?
By the way, Wisconsin Christian News is now on Facebook. Send them our regards.
And be careful that demonic forces don’t “rush in to fill your void”!
2. “‘Duck Dynasty’ Star Willie Robertson Voices Support For Ben Carson: ‘I Certainly Share His Faith’” via The Gospel Herald
In this corner, Civilization, represented by Pope Francis, Malala and Bernie Sanders.
In this corner, Barbarism, represented by anyone who would consider associating Donald Trump or Ben Carson with authentic Christianity.
1. “Where Are We on the End Times Timetable?” at Christian Broadcasting Network
O, Catastrophic Capitulation! The sky is falling! The sky is falling! Forget that: Time itself is falling! Guess it’s once again time to quote myself:
“In the past millennium, not one generation has gone by without Christians insisting that the Book of Revelation points to Christ’s imminent return, and that all of the text’s cryptic references can easily be mapped to the current political world. And every single generation has been spectacularly wrong.”
“Are we watching the preparations for the war of Gog and Magog?” asks supposed Middle East expert Joel Rosenberg. Um, no. But we are watching an egregious, fear-mongering misinterpretation of biblical text designed to make Christian conservatives to flock to the polls to elect yet another military hawk who will perpetuate the Global Military Industrial Complex.
That’s a wrap!
Pastor Pillow now makes national radio guest appearances on The Horn: The Head On Radio Network. Click to hear Pastor Pillow’s September 2 and October 14 tent revival segments with Brother Bob Kincaid. Pastor Pillow’s next Prayer Meetin’ Wednesday is November 11 at 6 p.m. ET. Mark your calendars and tune in!
Also, Human Beings Everywhere: Follow The Golden Rule.
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