Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Buys Some Lube, the Bible Belt Girds Its Loins

adam-eveHey, I’m Pastor Pillow!

Thanks for letting me skip to the front of the line! I’m in a hurry. I have to pick up pizza for 10,000 hungry, quarantined parishioners right after I get out of here.

You see, Cubic Zirconium Cathedral is in lockdown. I just delivered my Sunday morning sermon on the horrors of p*rnography and same-sex marriage and how God created man and woman to fit each other snugly like a snail and its shell, then before you know it, we’re Ebola Grand Central Station!

Next time there’s an epidemic, remind me to tell all the healthcare professional members to stay at home and download my sermon podcast. Can you believe that nurse sneezed directly into the platinum offering plate?

What do I need? Oh, let me pull out my pharmacy shopping list. Let’s see, I need 10,000 rectal thermometers, a packet of Cialis, and a tube of K-Y Jelly.

Oh, it’s not what you think. The lube is for my executive assistant. For her chair! We have these mounted casters all over the office; they keep, um, sticking. And the Cialis is…for…my dog. Expensive Pedigree. Tibetan mastiff. Our male can’t get it up for the life of him. I swear, it’s like trying to get pandas to breed.

You know, you’re being awful nosy. And for the record, I’m an asexual—as is any good man of the cloth. At least to his congregation. Then again, I wouldn’t want you to think I’m a monk or anything. Say, here’s my card. By the way, my ChristianMingle handle is Solomonic_Swinger.

What’s that? You only have 57 thermometers? Well, in that case I better get a bottle of isopropyl and some cotton swabs. People aren’t going to be thrilled about having to share rectal thermometers, but I’m not sure what choice we have.

By the way, please pray for us during this quarantine crisis. Or, consider signing up for a Palladium Membership—each membership comes with a year’s supply of vicarious prayers that we hire Bangladeshi orphans to recite every morning for the cause of your choice.

And throw in a bottle of Kaopectate for good measure, will you? No telling how the vegetarians are going to react to slices of Papa John’s The Meats pizza. By the way, our ministry only buys pizza from Obamacare haters. Haters gonna hate the Big O!

Okay, charge all this to the CZ account. Like I said, gotta fly! (Call me.)

Please open your hymnals to No. 69.

Baby I got sick this morning
A sea was storming inside of me
Baby I think I’m capsizing
The waves are rising and rising
And when I get that feeling
I want Sexual Healing

Behold, the Christian Right Weekly Round-Up.

5. Megachurch Sexist Calls it a Day, over at Christianity Today: “Mark Driscoll Resigns from Mars Hill”

Somewhere in the Pacific Northwest there is a megachurch called Mars Hill Church. Its founder and freshly-resigned leader, Mark Driscoll, has weathered a number of ethical controversies over the years, including essentially rigging a spot for himself on the New York Times Bestseller list.

In his resignation letter, Driscoll makes it clear that he hasn’t committed any illegal activities—which, so far as anyone can tell, he hasn’t. So why should we care? Driscoll’s brash personality clashed with the non-denominational faith community he led. Move on.

Well, there’s just this one little thing: Mark Driscoll appears to have been a dreadful sexist. Yet there appears in Driscoll’s resignation letter zero mention of the absolutely whack-a-mole things he has said about marriage, about women, about sexuality in general.

Again, relevance?

Well, let’s just see how the immature American Evangelical sexual worldview espoused by Driscoll and his ilk impacts our daily existence.

4. The Internet is for Daily Devotionals—and P*rn, via Washington Post: “Conservative States are More Likely to Search for Sex and P*rn Online”

According to two Canadian researchers, Cara C. MacInnis and Gordon Hodson, folks from Mississippi, Texas, Georgia and other traditionally Religious Right states are virtually more horny than those from California—and by “virtually” I mean literally.

In this month’s issue of Archives of Sexual Behavior, the tried-and-true Shakespeare quote “thou dost protest too much” is put to the Big Data test. And the results back up the Bard 100%:

“[S]tate-level conservatism was associated with increased searching specifically for sexual images, representing an interest in actually viewing sexually explicit material (largely free of text or information).”

MacInnis and Hodson’s research backs up previous research on the subject. Folks, it’s plain and simple: the more you gird the loins of the Bible Belt, the more pressure it puts on those naughty parts. Until—KABOOM! (Time to change the sheets from Texas to ole Virginny.)

We have a cultural dilemma. Christian leaders like Mark Driscoll and so many other fundamentalist preachers feel compelled to declare anathema to the natural, healthy human desire for sex. They declare the urge itself impure—just like in the Middle Ages the feminine form was considered iniquitous. Or if they do admit that sexual desire is natural, then they forbid any kind of manifestation of this desire other than the wedlock-hetero-humpty-hump.


From there, of course, the conservative Christian social world begins to twist and snake unnaturally, leading to unbelievable levels of hypocrisy:

During the RNC convention, escorts and exotic dancers apparently “flock” to the host city to capitalize on this increased demand for sexual entertainment. In the words of Layla Love, an exotic dancer at 2001 Odyssey, “Since the RNC has started, I have actually started to do 15 to 17h shifts, every day, until the convention is over.”

(By the way, if you want to read the full article, “Do American States with More Religious or Conservative Populations Search More for Sexual Content on Google?” you need to hop on down to your local academic library. The link in the WP article only sends you to an abstract.)

3. Houston Pastors Play Chicken Little, thus sayeth Gospel Herald: “City of Houston Subpoenas Christian Pastors’ Sermons Dealing with Homosexuality, Gender Identity or ‘Bathroom Bill’”

In case you’ve been blinded by Ebola-related articles in your social media newsfeeds, the City of Houston has announced a new policy whereby it will formally execute by firing squad any minister who speaks negatively about same-sex marriage.

Um, well, maybe that’s a slight exaggeration—unless you read sources like the Gospel Herald, which make it sound like Houston pastors have it worse than missionaries facing murderous kidnappers in Far Eastern island jungles. Or, even better, the Christian Post, which identifies Houston Mayor Annise Parker as an “avowed lesbian.”

Someone correct me if I’m wrong, but the whole story goes like this: Houston passes an ordinance to “achieve and maintain a discrimination-free environment.” Churches and anti-LGBTQ groups go ape shit and collect petitions to put the matter on the election ballot in order to reverse it. The City of Houston is suspicious about a good many of these signatures and subpoenas the churches and groups that collected them to analyze how they were collected. And in the words of Mayor Parker:

“We don’t want their sermons, we want the instructions on the petition process. That’s always what we wanted and, again, they knew that’s what we wanted because that’s the subject of the lawsuit.”

Again, the product of an immature sexual worldview. I oppose your sexual lifestyle on the grounds of my misguided biblical interpretation, and the result is political miasma.

2. Step Aside, Ebola, I Have Hairy Palms!, over at Christian Post: “Internet P*rn Pandemic Threatens World and Church, Apologetics Conference Highlights”

Given the earlier article about Bible Belt P*rn, this article cracks me up.

A few weeks ago, Enough is Enough CEO and President Donna Rice Hughes stood at a lectern alongside Southern Evangelical Seminary President Dr. Richard Land in order to alert the world to the dangers of Interweb boobies. Dr. Land said:

“P*rnography is the devil’s most powerful tool, he added, because it attacks the human ability to form relationships.”

(And here I thought the devil’s most dangerous tool was U.S. military drones. Those also attack the ability to form human relationships. Hard to get to know someone when you’re dead.)

Let’s head back to the “Public Virtues, Private Vices” table in the Washington Post article. Mm-hm. Yep. North Carolina: religious and horny as hell. Way more so than those secular, granola Oregonians.

You know what, Dick Land? I’ll grant you that p*rn is a problem. It’s especially a HUGE problem in communities that have stunted sexual identities and sex education (and cosmology education) based literally on the book of Genesis.

These people are already being told that their sexual desires are suspect. Then, instead of engaging in normal, realistic sexual relationships, they spend years convincing themselves behind closed doors that sex should resemble a Tera Patrick and Peter North film.

So agreed, that is a problem. But it’s not a satanic conspiracy. It’s just bad biblical interpretation and even worse psychology.

Groups like Enough is Enough scare the crap out of me. They set themselves up as an organization that wants to protect children. And who doesn’t want that? But ask them their definition of “p*rnography,” and you start to get the feeling that, given their druthers, they’d lock up the executive producers of ABC, TBS and the National Geographic Channel.

1. O, What a Beautiful Universe: Mark Driscoll and Uranus, over at Patheos: Mark Driscoll and the Amazing Technicolor Evangelical Funhouse Mirror Sexual Worldview (Swedish Batteries Not Included)”

If you really want to know what I think about Mark Driscoll, head on over to Patheos:

“The human body and all its functions are natural phenomena. They are no less natural than all the stars and planets—including Uranus.”

The problem is, the fact that millions of people in this country think that God is Queen Victoria eventually translates into warped political policy. The immature American Evangelical sexual worldview impacts everything from same-sex marriage to sex education. It’s time for America to grow up sexually:

Mark Driscoll is the product of an immature sexual worldview. Not its inventor. Someone needs to start redirecting the dialogue of the Mars Hills Debacle. Driscoll merely stood in front of that distorted funhouse mirror. The mirror is still there. And millions of us remain standing in front of it.

That’s a wrap!

Please open your hymnals to No. 2.

Sex is natural, sex is good
Not everybody does it
But everybody should
Sex is natural, sex is fun
C-c-c-c-come on.

Progressives, the November Elections are just around the corner. Seriously, less than one month away!

And one-third of your fellow countrymen will be rushing to the polls early in the morning to vote for Republicans, then rushing back home to spend the rest of the day—um, in front of the computer. (Don’t blame me, blame the Canadian researchers!)

You and they will be voting for the following political offices:

—All 435 seats of the U.S. House of Representatives
—33 seats in the U.S. Senate
—46 State Legislatures
—And 38 State and Territorial Governorships.

Remember: A Progressive Vote is a vote for Civilization.

p.s.  Pastor Pillow wrote an e-book.  Buy it here!



Arik Bjorn

Arik Bjorn lives in Columbia, South Carolina. He was the Democratic Party / Green Party fusion candidate for U.S. Congress in the 2nd Congressional District of South Carolina. Visit the archive for Arik’s campaign website, and check out his latest book, So I Ran for Congress. You can also follow his political activities on Twitter @Bjorn2RunSC and on Facebook. And be sure to check out more from Arik in his archives!

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  • Stephen Barlow

    Don’t invade the ranks of the Righteous Arik. You are really not much different than them. All you dumped on us is supposition and innuendo. And you did it with a lot less flair that Fox Fixtion. I find minimal credibility here.

    • Arik Bjorn

      What a mighty critique. Thou hast waylaid me. I’m hanging up my cartoon collar.

      By “not much different,” I suppose you mean that I take a cautionary approach to biblical hermeneutics (unlike “them”), that I am an LGBTQ ally (unlike “them”), that I strive to engage in critical thinking on sexuality topics (unlike “them”), that I think public policy on sexual matters owes allegiance to the Constitution first (unlike “them”), on and on.

      I’m by no means perfect–BY NO MEANS “righteous.” But at the end of the day, I care that my fellow citizen has sexual training beyond the book of Song of Solomon–that he or she has a fair shot of leading a sexually well-balanced existence.

      Sex is funny (innuendo can be a hoot!). Sex is serious. Sex is absurd. Sex is a full spectrum of descriptors. But what sex isn’t is a permanently distorted fun house mirror–and that’s the conservative Christian sexual worldview.

      I am most decidedly not “them,” nor is anyone who strives for the same.

      • Stephen Barlow

        What I meant was, that as a Satire, this is up there with Guido Sarducci. But you kinda lose the point of a satire if you do either of two things.

        If you lay it on thick and only stereotypically, you render it somewhat moot and merely amusing. You wanna butter the toast and not ice it like a cake.

        But, if you choose to lay it on and ice the cake, ICE it like a Gay wedding cake made by children. I mean make it drip with sarcasm and more vivid descriptions.

        I get what you commented about – the distorted Christian World View.

        But what you wrote struck me as petty and picayune. You have a blog of researchers who say Christians are pervs.No data, no corroborations. That’s not journalism, it’s Foxaganda manufacturing.

        And My point wasn’t so much that it was “bad” or even “wrong”. It was much like My incomplete critique. INCOMPLETE and not as effectual as it could have been.

        My favorite authors growing up were in three classes.
        Fitzgerald, Steinbeck and Hemingway… for fun.

        Burroughs, Huxley and Orwell… for wisdom. I mean face it, when a Rock Band takes the name of one of your props in a story, you area GOD among authors. (Steely Dan)

        But far more important to Me were O’Henry, Wilde, and Denis MillerBEFORE he became an REPUBLICAN asshole. Very simply because they make their points with gymnastic flair and stick the landing with a bayonnet.

        I do like your work, but this just seemed … cheap. Like a $15 BJ. where the hooker gives you a FIVE back for a $20. YOu just KOW right then that she’s nOT gonna give you her best work.

      • Arik Bjorn

        Now that’s a critique! And one that makes me smile, Stephen.

        By the way, Pastor Pillow isn’t journalism. It’s satire/opinion. And if it were my only effort at global critique and rehabilitation, it would be too much marzipan even for me.

        One of the problems, of course, is how much one can accomplish each week in conducting a global survey in less than 2,000 words. To me, satire is the cap that fits that head.

        A few spot-on guffaws, a bit of lexical crème brûlée, and thou.

        For every filet mignon, there’s a Smashburger.

        Peace!

    • robingee

      “You are really not much different than them.”

      Except completely different.

      • Stephen Barlow

        HOW so?

      • robingee

        “They” are trying to make everyone be/act/think according to their religion. Arik is not doing that.

      • Arik Bjorn

        It’s hard to disagree with someone with a smile from ear to ear.

  • Pipercat

    I think I would have gone with, “ecumenical_ecstasy” as my handle…

    • Arik Bjorn

      I also considered Onan’s_Wingman.

      • Pipercat

        Follow through is a must!