Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Calls Upon the Legends of Christian Rock

Hello, I’m Pastor Pillow!

Wow, be still my White Heart. I can hardly believe I’m surrounded by such a great Cloud of Mulleted Musical Witnesses. I’m so glad I wore my all old DeGarmo & Key flair.

Well, isn’t that sweet: Amy Grant playing the Ungame with Gary Chapman and Vince Gill. And over at the Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries cold duck piano bar, Michael W. Smith is lounge-lizarding whilst Moriah Peters dances all Michelle Pfeiffer-like on the baby grand. Yet good Lord if Mr. Smith isn’t still wearing that appalling, L.A. Lakers-inspired outfit from the 1990s. (Personal note to call the deacons—we might just need to cast out the demons of George Michael facial hair from that Gospel troubadour.)

And, oh my, over in the Resurrection Rec Room, Petra and Stryper have challenged the members of Jars of Clay and dc Talk to a game of full contact Red Rover. No surprise, the Newsboys are off by themselves in the corner watching the video for “We Believe” over and over. And over. Well, I suppose that’s one way to jack up one’s YouTube views.

Hate to ring the Trinity triangle, everyone, but I require your undivided attention.

First, I would like to thank each and every one of you legends of Christian rock and Evangelical pop for gathering on such short notice. As you know, we have a crisis of Christendom on our hands.

It turns out there isn’t a pagan musician worth his Lot’s wife’s salt who wants anything to do with this year’s Republican Presidential candidates. It’s as if the entire Rock and Roll Hall of Fame has pulled a political Cat Stevens. R.E.M., Neil Young, Dropkick Murphys. They’re all spitting mad that anointed men of God such as Donald Trump and Scott Walker are campaigning to their crooning.

The true problem, however, is that not a single one of you has ever penned or produced a tune capable of pumping up a crowd like Survivor. Yes, Mr. Carman, I agree there are moments when “The Champion” gives “Eye of the Tiger” a run for its money. But there’s just so much a candidate like Chris Christie can do with a lyric like: “The demons arrived / Offensive and vile / Cursing and blaspheming God.” Have you ever been to Newark?

I hate to do this, but we have no choice. We’ve conferred with the Gospel Music Association, and they’ve elected to rescind each and every one of your Dove Awards if you don’t come up with a classic fundamentalist political anthem in the next 48 hours. So excuse me for barricading the lot of you in the Koinonia Fellowship Hall—there’s plenty of doughnuts and coffee. And we’ve put out all the CZC Ministries worship band instruments for you to tinker with—even the Latin chimes and cowbell.

Now get to work and make us a conservative canticle for the ages. Oh, and I almost forgot to introduce the special consultant we’ve hired to help you—he’s the Irish fellow over there with the blue sunglasses.

Please open your hymnals to No. 316.

You’ll be keeping all your money
In the kingdom now
And you’ll only drink milk from a Christian cow

Every day, the Christian Right Media reports news with an outlandish slant to millions of Christian fundamentalists across the Fruited Plain. And they make a financial killing at it: according to Forbes, the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) alone brings in nearly $300 million in annual revenue. Yet CBN is a mere bright star in a galaxy of hundreds of Christian Right Media organizations that put even Fox News to shame. Review the membership lists of the National Religious Broadcasters and the Evangelical Press Association.

Here are five articles from the Christian Right Media over the past week that remind progressives of the great need to show up at the polls on Tuesday, November 8, 2016 to right the Good Ship Civilization:

5. “Televangelist Royalties Harder to Split Than Baby by Solomon” over at Christianity Today

Because we’ve all forgotten that little-known end to the Sermon on the Mount where Jesus commanded television production companies to stomp on one another in the name of Mammon.

4. “Kim Davis’ Battle Over the Word of God Isn’t Over Yet via Charisma News

Ah, fresh perspective on the Kim Davis affair—from a Christian news agency that also covers demonic possession and End Times prophecies.

3. “Jeb Bush Unveils New Tax-Overhaul Plan” over at Christian Broadcasting Network

Nothing says Jesus loves you like a burning Bush tax loophole for plutocrats.

2. Rick Perry Quits Presidential Race ‘With No Regrets;’ Says God’s Will ‘Superior to Mine’ via Christian Post

Finally, wisdom from the greatest of Evangelical political hacks. Not even spectacles could help Perry’s mindless image.

1. “Is Homo naledi a New Species of Human Ancestor?” at Answers in Genesis

Leave it to Ken Ham and his ilk to destroy a wonderful scientific discovery. By the way, check out the Science Friday article about Homo Naledi, which is actually worth your time.

That’s a wrap!

Pastor Pillow now makes national radio guest appearances on The Horn: The Head On Radio Network.  Click to hear Pastor Pillow’s June 10 and September 2 tent revival segments with Brother Bob Kincaid.  Pastor Pillow’s next Prayer Meetin’ Wednesday is September 30 at 6 p.m. ET. Mark your calendars and tune in!

Also, Human Beings Everywhere:  Follow The Golden Rule.

Arik Bjorn

Arik Bjorn lives in Columbia, South Carolina. He was the Democratic Party / Green Party fusion candidate for U.S. Congress in the 2nd Congressional District of South Carolina. Visit the archive for Arik’s campaign website, and check out his latest book, So I Ran for Congress. You can also follow his political activities on Twitter @Bjorn2RunSC and on Facebook. And be sure to check out more from Arik in his archives!


Facebook comments