Hi, I’m Pastor Pillow!
I hope that you are enjoying a truly blessed Valentine’s Day weekend. Even that apostate Pope Franky sometimes hits the mark: as I’m sure you, me and the over-elevated Bishop of Rome agree, the only romantic love that gets Jehovah’s Humble Housewife Seal of Approval is the hetero-baby-producing kind.
So when you get home, I exhort you and your spouse—you are married, aren’t you?—to engage in a little missionary position procreating humpty-hump. We need all the little Christ Crusaders we can get these days! After all, you never know when Kim Jong-un and ISIS are going to lay a “hey surprise!”-West Coast-East Coast-Uncle Sam-Red Dawn smack-down.
Man, I feel the Spirit moving through me today like a barium sulfate contrast milkshake! St. Peter got hot pants!
Now, if I may kindly have your ticket. You don’t have a ticket? Ah, in that case, allow me to escort you to the Zacchaeus in the Treetops Box Office. Here at Cubic Zirconium Cathedral & Theme Park Ministries, we’ve cut out the offering plate middleman. Well, sort of. General admission seats—that’s the third tier—begin at $29.99. We do offer a 10% military discount—but only if you can prove you’ve sent at least one heathen national to a fiery afterlife. Drone pilots gets a 25% discount—no smoke-a-Saracen proof required.
Of course, we still collect “volunteer” offerings throughout the service—five, to be accurate. But these are all optional—I mean, unless you want some youth group minions to show up and teepee your house on Tuesday night. But, hey, they don’t call it the Prosperity Gospel for nothing! (How else do you think I can afford these Barker Black Ostrich Cap Toe shoes?)
Now, for a mere extra $10 today, we will provide you with a prepaid certificate that entitles you to one special Trinity S’mores packet. And what’s a Trinity S’mores packet for?
Well, after sunset this evening, the entire CZC&TPM congregation will gather at the Har Megiddo Men’s Church League Softball Field, where we’ve prepared a gigantic covered dish potluck bonfire. And get this, the kindling is an intricately-sculpted model of the Al Haram Mosque made from tongue depressors. It’s simply amazing what Sunday School preschoolers can accomplish these days.
Anyway, once the mosque is up in flames, just roast your Holy Spirit marshmallow, then squeeze it and your chocolate Jesus wafer between the two God the Father Franklin Graham cracker pieces. Voila! Trinity S’mores!
I know it’s a bit kitschy, but it sure beats the Agape Edible Underwear idea that Lloyd from accounting—formerly from accounting—came up with. Also, all of the proceeds from the S’mores-a-Mosque Bonfire Potluck go to my forthcoming one-month missionary sabbatical to ClubMed Africa.
By the way, if you’re in the business for a grape-flavored Salome Thong, I can sell you one for a song.
Anyway, here’s the box office. One of our lovely Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Bikini Team ticket associates will be happy to serve you. When you’re finished, just head on over to the Jacob’s Ladder spiral staircase and head to the third tier—unless I can interest you in a $150 premier celestial sardonyx seat. It’s up front in the Anointing/Faith Healing section—plenty of space to move about, speak in tongues, and dance in the spirit.
Also, don’t forget to bring your sheets to the S’mores-a-Mosque Bonfire Potluck. Um, it gets a bit chilly on these February evenings.
Please open your hymnals to No. 214.
Well it’s got to be a chocolate Jesus
Make me feel good inside
Got to be a chocolate Jesus
Keep me satisfied
Behold, the Christian Right Weekly Round-Up!
5. Congratulations, Uncle Sam, on Keeping Pace with ISIS, via Aljazeera America: “Arson Eyed in Houston-Area Mosque Fire”
In case you missed the news, a Houston mosque and school was torched Friday with initial reports indicating that the blaze may have been started purposefully with “an accelerant, like gasoline.”
Earlier in the week, three Muslims were killed execution-style in Chapel Hill, North Carolina, in what appears to be, according to the family of the victims, “a hate crime.”
It would also appear that the American thirst for Muslim deaths isn’t being slaked quickly enough by President Obama’s recent measure submitted to Congress to go to war with ISIS. After all, why wait to kill Muslims abroad when there are plenty here at home to take out?
If you disagree with the statement in the previous paragraph about “American thirst,” I invite you to spend a few minutes watching average Americans spout ignorantly about the Iraq War as they emerge from the bloodsport film American Sniper.
Americans don’t know why Chris Kyle and tens of thousands of other U.S. Middle Eastern war veterans are heroes. They just know that they are. Because, Islam and sand bad. And Christian Capitalism and fruited plain good.
Are fundamentalist Muslims killing Westerners? Yes. (Which is horrible.)
Are fundamentalist atheists killing Muslims? Yes. (Which is horrible.)
Are white supremacists killing Sikhs? Yes. (Which is horrible.)
Are U.S. military drone pilots taking out Muslim wedding parties? Yes. (Which is horrible.)
Is the global military industrial complex eager to supply weapons to all these killers? Yes. (Which is beyond horrible.)
4. Elderly Muslim Woman Shows up Fundamentalists Across the Planet, on YouTube: “Grandmother Bravely Stands up to ISIS”
I hope the link above becomes the most viral video in Internet history.
I have spent the better part of two years trying to demonstrate that the Christian Right constantly applies godawful hermeneutics (interpretation) to the Bible to its own greedy, controlling end.
This unnamed, possibly Syrian elderly woman does the same thing to fundamentalist Islamists in a mere three minutes. She cuts these accused killers to the bone with direct quotations from the Quran and spares no mercy in her condemnation of their sacrilege:
Neither of you will win, nor will anybody—you only will keep kill each other like donkeys.
3. Pope Exhorts Followers to Get Jiggy with Baby Making, over at NPR: “Couples Who Choose Not To Have Children Are ‘Selfish,’ Pope Says”
Super Pope, say it ain’t so! Did you really say the following:
The choice to not have children is selfish. Life rejuvenates and acquires energy when it multiplies: It is enriched, not impoverished.
I am such an admirer of Pope Francis’ many reforms. But let’s think about this practically for a moment. The United Nations High Commission for Refugees reports that there are more than 30 million displaced human beings in the world—and that nearly half of them are children.
Maybe, just maybe, the “greedy generation” are the economic systems; industrial complexes; and war-mongering, plutocratic nation states that turn a blind eye to all that neediness.
“Life rejuvenates and acquires energy when it multiplies,” or so Pope Francis says. Well, life is already multiplied in droves all around us. So perhaps instead let us make it a spiritual and political mandate for those who have children and those who are childless to caretake the millions of needy children already on Planet Earth.
Just a thought.
2. Nearly Half of Protestant Pastors Think ISIS Represents Islamic Society, via Charisma News: “Does ISIS Represent True Islam or Not?”
According to LifeWay Research, nearly half of Protestant pastors think ISIS represents Islamic society:
Forty-five percent of 1,000 senior Protestant pastors surveyed say the Islamic State, also known as ISIL or ISIS, ‘gives a true indication of what an Islamic society looks like.’
Possibly even worse is the fact that 14% of Americans overall say that ISIS has the support of a majority of Muslims around the world. Gee, I wonder if 15% of Europeans think that the majority of Americans bow before Joel Osteen’s pearly whites?
Charisma News also reports that a Brookings Institution poll published in January 2015 indicates that only 50% of U.S. African-American pastors think “True Islam creates a peaceful society.”
Hmm. I wonder what these African-American pastors think about good ol’ peaceful Christian America. I can’t imagine that any slave owners and Jim Crow lynchers south of the Mason-Dixon Line ever attended the Baptist church around the corner.
Note: By the way, Charisma News linked this story directly from USA Today. It irritates me to no end when “major newspapers” like USA Today can’t be bothered to link to primary sources. Would it have killed the editors to link to the LifeWay Research and Brookings Institution polls?
1. Spread the Word: Muslim Good News
Spread the word. Seriously: Spread. The. Word. Especially tell American Protestant Pastors:
There’s a website dedicated completely to positive, peaceful, Civilization-building news about Muslims!
Heck, there’s even a link to a video by none other than Rick Warren—be still my heart!—who gives “greetings and peace to all my friends of the Muslim Public Affairs Council.”
Also, scroll down to January 3 and catch the Swedish Mosque Lovebomb.
Listen, folks, this is how we spread the news that most followers of Islam are peaceful—just like most Christians, by the way. It’s the fundamentalists in both religions that we need to work even harder to educate.
That’s a wrap!
Please open your hymnals to No. 316.
For all who do evil hate the light and do not come to the light
so that their deeds may not be exposed.
But those who do what is true come to the light…
—The Gospel of John
Hey, Pastor Pillow is taking a sabbatical for the rest of February and the first half of March! But don’t worry, he’ll be back in time for March Madness!
Latest posts by Arik Bjorn (see all)
- Puerto Rican Paper Towels to Buchenwald Bread Crumbs: #RESIST, While You Still Have Time - October 6, 2017
- “So I Ran for Congress”: Sneak Preview Redux - August 22, 2017
- “So I Ran for Congress”: A Sneak Preview - August 4, 2017