Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Converts the Comets

Hi, I’m Pastor Pillow.

Oh, it’s you! Thank God you made it! Literally. Praise to Him who provides us Toyota Land Cruisers!

Do you have to pee? Are you sure? It’s going to be your final void in 9.78 m/s² gravity, so I might take advantage of that, if I were you.

Good call. Here, use my office john and put on this spacesuit and helmet when you’re done. Just leave the door cracked so you can hear me. I’ll be out here counting cash.

By the way, I assume you saw that pile of greenbacks when you walked into my office. Just part of the offering trove following the November 2014 Election. Billions and still counting. To the winner goes the spoils! And can you believe it, but we’ve got three other piles just as high crammed into the Sunday School nurseries. Heck, we’ve even got an entire room devoted just to the baseball card collections some folks brought in.

No, nothing quite says gimme-gimme like capturing the United States Senate!

By the way, we only have T-minus ten minutes before the launch of the Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Leviticus, or C.Z.C. Leviticus as we’ve been calling it—so no dawdling in there. And better make that suit a snug, airtight fit—I hear that space is an unforgiveable Jezebel.

Anyway, all this loot was definitely enough to plunk down some cha-ching to become a major player in the commercial space industry. A little sweet talking with that sod Richard Branson and suddenly we have ourselves a bona fide space subsidiary, Virgin Birth Galactic!

By the way, thanks so much for volunteering on this unique missions trip. It’s a one-way shot, to be sure. But soon your name will be in the Missionary Hall of Fame along with the likes of Hudson Taylor, Jonathan Goforth and Jim Elliot.

Just think: you’ll be the first entry in the interstellar wing. The first person who planted Christian flags and NIV Bibles across the solar system. By the way, we’d like you to start with the planets and make your way to comets and satellites as best you can—although Comet 67P should be a top priority, as we especially need to interdict those godless ESA folks. Dang, it just kills me to think that the Philae probe is sitting out there some 300 million miles away conducting science experiments without the red cross of Christ and red letters of Jesus by its side.

Last time I checked, there were about 200 planetary satellites, plus about 4,000 identified comets. And of course seven other planets, plus five dwarf planets. All of which God created 6,000 years ago. Say, you’re kind of silent in there. Don’t tell me you’re one of those Old Age Universers who thinks that the light from any of those billions of other galaxies should have taken millions of years just to get here. Puh-lease! We all know that Lucifer means “bringer of light.” Everyone knows the devil and astronomy are as tight-knit as Bill Nye and N.D. Tyson.

Anyway, it’s just a few minutes before lift-off. Time to head on over to the CZC launch pad. Morning service starts in just a few minutes, and I’ve timed the rocket launch perfectly to coincide with the worship band’s performance of “Shine, Jesus, Shine.”

Also, there’s another reason we’re sending you out into the final frontier with a torch lit on your foxtail. You are aware of that “Something Else” religion that’s starting to spread like wild fire, right? In fact, we have it on good information that Jews, Atheists and Something Elsers are voting 2-1 progressive these days. So unless we’re careful, before we know it, ideas like universal healthcare and world peace will be spread to the outer regions of the Oort Cloud.

So let’s get the White Man’s Gospel planted throughout the solar system as quickly as we can. Definitely before we see the distribution of wealth on Uranus. Now wouldn’t that be a mess?

Please open your hymnals to No. 1957.

A shooting star is not a star
It’s not a star at all
A shooting star’s a meteor
That’s heading for a fall

Behold, the Christian Right Weekly Round-Up.

Protestants and White Catholics Determined to Destroy Civilization, over at Pew Research Religion & Public Life Project: “How the Faithful Voted: 2014 Preliminary Analysis”

Normally we conclude the Pastor Pillow comedy piece with a dissection of five articles from Christian Right media sources that highlight fundamentalist idiocy at its worse. We conclude with a reminder that the November 2014 Election is “X” many days away, then go watch football and stuff our faces with nachos and feel morally satisfied about ourselves.

There’s only one problem: that didn’t work.

Oh, trust me. We all laughed. Pastor Pillow is a hoot. And the articles we tossed out at readers from Pat Robertson’s CBN and Gospel Herald and Christianity Today and those orthographic troglodytes at Wisconsin Christian News were indeed exemplars of religious hypocrisy.

But the “Christian Right Weekly Round-Up” failed entirely at preventing Protestants and Caucasians from doing their best to crush Civilization.

According to the article above by Pew Research, Protestants and White Catholics voted seven in ten for Republicans in 2014. And these yahoos (of which I am one) represented roughly 70% of the 2014 Electorate.

The good news?

I am seriously considering converting to the “Something Else” religion. Because these individuals voted 2-1 in favor of promoting Civilization by voting for Democratic candidates.

Does anyone know where I can find a Something Else temple?

Anyway, we’re going to spend the next few weeks reinventing our format. We’re leaning toward becoming more theologically educational. Christian fundamentalists, it appears, are incredibly sincere in their ignorance, so we might just need some old-fashioned Sunday School flannelgraphing to help them achieve enlightenment. (Also, does anyone know where I put that sledgehammer?)

Also, there were far too few references to A Clockwork Orange and Escape from New York over the past year and a half. We definitely need to paint a better picture of Planet Earth’s future under conservative control.

Anyway, we really just want the taste of that Pew Research article above to sit in everyone’s mouth throughout the next week. Swish it around a bit. The White Man with his “Don’t Tread on Me” and “I ♥ the Military Industrial Complex” bumper stickers actually bothered to vote.

And for that there are real world consequences.

That’s a wrap!

Please open your hymnals to No. 1215.

There is just one moon and one golden sun.
And a smile means friendship to everyone.
Though the mountains divide,
And the oceans are wide
It’s a small world after all.

Progressives, the November Elections are—damn, you missed it. It’s too late. More than one-third of your fellow fundamentalist countrymen already rushed to the polls and elected the most idiotic group of human beings ever yet to rule a superpower.

Where the hell were you, Progressives?!

Way to go, U.S.A. Way. To. Go.

But don’t worry. You’ll get another shot to right the Good Ship Civilization on Tuesday, November 8, 2016. Hopefully our Little Blue Planet will still be alive and kicking by then. And hopefully you can get off your asses this time and find a voting booth.

Arik Bjorn

Arik Bjorn lives in Columbia, South Carolina. He was the Democratic Party / Green Party fusion candidate for U.S. Congress in the 2nd Congressional District of South Carolina. Visit the archive for Arik’s campaign website, and check out his latest book, So I Ran for Congress. You can also follow his political activities on Twitter @Bjorn2RunSC and on Facebook. And be sure to check out more from Arik in his archives!


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