Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Delivers King James Version Bibles to Flood-Ravaged South Carolina

cathedral-under-waterHello, I’m Pastor Pillow!

I’m sorry, didn’t catch your name. Hard to understand what you’re saying with that snorkel in your mouth. Then again, you might be a-prophesyin’ in the tongues of angels. Try it again.

Pblpblpblpblpblpblpbl.

Nope. Sorry. Well, if you don’t look like a waterlogged lost sheep standing in line at this Satanic, socialist food bank. The only thing worse than wet wool is Worcester, my Aunt Tinkie used to say. Why, don’t you know if you only had faith the size of a mustard seed, God would providentially plop a Trader Joe’s right smack dab in your backyard? You do own property, don’t you? I’m not going to waste my time preaching to any homeless lot.

O ye of little faith, why don’t I take that case of Dasani off your hands and trade it for a few of these camouflage waterproof King James Bibles? That water will merely quench your thirst; these printed pages, however, are the bubbling brook of eternal life.


Soon as I heard Jehovah had tossed a divine judgment water balloon on South Carolina, I donned my Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries captain’s hat and grabbed the wheel of my brand-spankin’ new Fairline Targa 52. Pays to do baptism house calls to hedge fund managers, I tell you. Splish-splash, vroom-vroom!

Say, up for some waterskiing? We could do some Balaam’s kick-ass slaloming around the submerged homes in that subdivision back yonder. Those chimney tops make for perfect buoys. Oh yes, I can see you’re a bit peaked. Haven’t had water for a few days, have you? Grocery store shelves are barren? Why, honestly, if you want my discerning, man-of-the-cloth opinion, looks like you’re hankerin’ for a helping of the Bread of Life.

Crack open your Camo KJV to the Gospel of Matthew: “For he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust!”

Course, Our Lord and Savior might have been getting a bit ahead of Himself there. A few raindrops is one thing, but lest we forget our Genesis, Yahweh of the Frowny Face sends deluges (and earthquakes and tsunamis and defeats at the hands of Nick Saban) upon the decidedly unjust.

Which brings me to the real question. Just why did Jehovah see fit to dump a retribution Red Sea upon your state? I don’t suppose it has anything to do with South Carolina giving a podium to that New England Clam Chowder Communist Jew Bernie Sanders about a month back? Did you think the Alpha and the Omega was going to let you off the hook for that one? And just where was South Carolina while Kim “St. Joan of Arc” Davis was boldly standing up for holy matrimony? What happened to this former bulwark of godly government? Once upon a time, your elected officials kept the cursed descendants of Ham in check; now you’re furling flags every chance you get.

Careful, South Carolina. You elect too many pantheist female Gub’nors, and you might just find yourself heading down that hell-bound road to progressivism.

Now, if you don’t mind, I need to test the horsepower limits of this Volvo Penta engine and head across the globe to Bangkok–more Camo KJVs to deliver! Hear they had a massive tropical storm. And what’s more, the pad phet pla duk tod is to die for. Say, you don’t mind if I take this case of water with me, do you? Might need to thin out a dram or two of white whiskey on the way.

I just love the smell of proselytizing in the morning.

Please open your hymnals to No. 103.

Into each life some rain must fall
But too much is falling in mine
Into each heart some tears must fall
But some day the sun will shine

Every day, the Christian Right Media makes a financial killing reporting news with an outlandish slant to millions of Christian fundamentalists across the Fruited Plain. According to Forbes, the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) alone brings in nearly $300 million in annual revenue. Yet CBN is a mere bright star in a galaxy of hundreds of Christian Right Media organizations that put even Fox News to shame.


Here are five articles from the Christian Right Media over the past week that remind progressives of the critical need to show up at the polls on Tuesday, November 8, 2016, if ever we are to right the Good Ship Civilization:

5. “Did the United Nations Just Introduce a New World Order?” over at Charisma News

The sky is falling, the sky is falling! I mean: The Antichrist is coming, the Antichrist is Coming! The United Nations, backed by Pope Francis, just unhatched a plan to end world poverty and hunger and to “ensure healthy lives and promote well-being for all at all ages.”

Truly, God shall strike us all down!

4. “Are You Prepared to Survive an Emergency?” a la Wisconsin Christian News

Why yes, indeed. Over here I have a battery-powered lantern with plenty of spare batteries. I have significant rations of food and water, plus medical supplies.  Plus some to spare for my neighbors.

No, you idiot! Are you ready to survive the End Times?! I’m talking about guns and ammo and concrete bunkers to outlast the Dragon with Seven Heads and the Whore of Babylon! You never know when the federales will show up with their wily, atheist ways. “Keep these basics in a ‘go’ bag that can go with you everywhere, all the time.” For soon and very soon, God shall shake the heavens and the earth like a Lot and Lot’s wife salt and pepper shaker!

3. “Carly Fiorina Q+A: ‘Whom Shall I Fear?’”  over at Christianity Today

Because maybe someday the premier periodical of Evangelicalism will interview a presidential candidate who isn’t diametrically opposed to a good chunk of the teachings of Jesus?

2. “Franklin Graham Compares Removing Ten Commandments in the US to ISIS Destroying Christian Churches” via Christian Post

Dear Mr. Graham:

May I offer my services to help you start a GoFundMe site for your mental health needs? Honestly, almost no one other than Al Capone and The Eye of Sauron thinks the Ten Commandments are bad. They just don’t belong on the grounds of a state capitol.

Sincerely,

Common Sense

1. “Ben Carson on Putin’s Deep Ties with Islamic Leaders” at Christian Broadcasting News

Thank God we can rely on Pat Robertson’s news agency to provide solid information about the crazy neurosurgeon candidate’s whacko pontifications on the ties between a mad oligarch and a fundamentalist theocrat. The world is in safe hands tonight.

That’s a wrap!

Pastor Pillow now makes national radio guest appearances on The Horn: The Head On Radio Network.  Click to hear Pastor Pillow’s June 10 and September 2 tent revival segments with Brother Bob Kincaid.  Pastor Pillow’s next Prayer Meetin’ Wednesday is October 14 at 6 p.m. ET. Mark your calendars and tune in!

Also, Human Beings Everywhere:  Follow The Golden Rule.



Arik Bjorn

Arik Bjorn lives in Columbia, South Carolina. He was the Democratic Party / Green Party fusion candidate for U.S. Congress in the 2nd Congressional District of South Carolina. Visit the archive for Arik’s campaign website, and check out his latest book, So I Ran for Congress. You can also follow his political activities on Twitter @Bjorn2RunSC and on Facebook. And be sure to check out more from Arik in his archives!

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  • Pipercat

    Number 3, aka: Nurse Diesel…