Good Lord, what is it now? I do not keep office hours on Sunday mornings—especially the Sunday morning before an Election Day!
I’ve got a gaggle of judicial candidates, each begging me to read the morning announcements. Parents are complaining that the new elephant slide in the Noah’s Ark nursery sends the wrong message to the conservative voters of tomorrow. Plus my sermon on “Give Unto Rome a Good Biblical Ass-Lickin’-Kickin’!” isn’t going to write itself!
Just another Lord’s Day morn at Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries!
What do you want? Say, don’t you know that Halloween is over? Although I’ve got to say that I dig the whole Obi-Wan Kenobi look. But you should really trade in that Glock for a light saber.
Seriously, though, I’m all out of treats. Why don’t you go bother Brother Bear down the street at Glory Holy Ministries. He’ll give you a bag of candy corn if you can recite The Golden Rule. But normally that’s just for kids—I’m not sure what he does for Kenny Loggins lookalikes.
I’ve gotta get back to work now, okay? If I’m not spot-on, Third Offering will be a bust—and then no anniversary getaway for me and Mrs. Pillow to Atlantis Sanya, China.
Okay, now where was I? Ah yes, back to my sermon and a few nips from that bottle of Old Grand-Dad.
The three key letters to any decent Election Week sermon: G-A-G.
G. Rome is coming for your Guns. Usually a few references to Nero and the Colosseum will do the trick. Plus, always a good idea to remind the congregation that if the victim in Jesus’ parable had been packing heat, we never would have needed a Good Samaritan in the first place.
A. Vote conservative or there will be Abortions in the streets, at kindergarten Christmas pageants, during Super Bowl commercials, you name it. Also, a wire shirt hanger always makes for a good visual. I must have one around here somewhere.
And, finally, G again. While the IRS might not want me to tell you which candidate to vote for, God Himself appeared to me last night in a vision, His Divine finger stretching forth and writing upon the wall, “Thou shalt vote for—”
Sigh. Who is it this time? You again?! Listen, I appreciate the whole Chuck Norris in a tunic concept, but I’m going to have to call security if you don’t leave me alone.
What’s that? Follow you? Where, to Jo-Ann Fabrics? Careful, or someone’s going to ring you up as a Shroud of Turin bolt. Ha-ha!
You have an idea for my sermon? By all means, I’m all ears. Tolerance, plus care for the widow and orphan? Support same-sex marriage? Discount drones? Plug ecumenism? Add a few quotes by Pope Francis?
Holy shit, what are you, a Balaam’s ass socialist?! Why don’t I just invite Bernie Sanders in all his wild-haired glory to pour Welch’s grape juice into Dixie Cups at the altar? I’m sure that’ll boost our bottom line.
Sheesh. Hey, you want to write my sermon? How about I augment your costume? Why don’t you throw on a leather jacket and come back a third time as Richard Marx? You can sit just outside my office door and serenade me with “Right Here Waiting.”
Thanks for your help, but there’s a reason I’m a M to the D to the I to the V. Bang!
Now just run along and play Jesus Christ Superstar while the real Gospel professionals get back to the business of running tax-free billion-dollar operations. And don’t forget to vote straight-ticket Republican!
Please open your hymnals to No. 3764.
I need a photo-opportunity
I want a shot at redemption
Don’t want to end up a cartoon
In a cartoon graveyard
Behold, the Christian Right Weekly Round-Up.
5. If it Smells Like Hate, Looks Like Hate, Tastes Like Hate…, over at U.S. News & World Report: “Southern Baptists Tell Pastors: Hold Line on Gays”
More than 1,000 Southern Baptist pastors and church leaders recently gathered at the Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission National Conference in Nashville. Erik Stanley, who represents Alliance Defending Freedom, took to the podium and stated “it was a myth that the 1998 murder of Matthew Shepard in Laramie, Wyoming, was a hate crime.”
Lots of other things were stated about same-sex marriage and religion during the three-day conference. But what really matters is that Erik Stanley wasn’t booed off the stage for his opprobrious remarks.
In other words: if 1,000 Christian “leaders” are present and let slide something so blasphemous, who cares what else they have to say?
You will be voting Tuesday, won’t you?
4. Fundamentalists Confused Over Central Tenets of Christianity, Yet Remain Convinced God Digs Drone Strikes, via Christianity Today: “New Poll Finds Evangelicals’ Favorite Heresies”
Millions of fundamentalist Americans will head to election polls this week convinced that God wants them to vote straight-ticket Republican—despite the fact that they aren’t even sure about the central tenets of their own faith.
Here are some everyman theological doozeys from the recently conducted LifeWay Research for Ligonier Ministries Theological Awareness Benchmark Study:
- a large percentage of Evangelical Christians don’t know whether the Book of Mormon belongs in the Bible or not;
- 22% of Evangelical Christians think that God the Father is more Divine than God the Son; and
- Nearly one-third of Evangelical Christians either disagree or disagree strongly that “God has authority over people.”
I might actually spend the greater part of my life scratching my head on that last one. So you think God is omnipotent and insists that you vote conservative, but you don’t think that same Divine Being has authority over your life?
Go figure. In the U.S.A. Great Democracy Project, even the most wooden-headed citizen gets a vote.
You can read the full survey results here.
3. Vote, Because There Exists a Wisconsin Christian News: “Scott Walker and the Compromise of Wisconsin Christians”
Matt Trewhella is the pastor of Mercy Seat Christian Church and the founder of Missionaries to the Preborn. He lives in Milwaukee. And he thinks that Governor Scott Walker, scourge to progressives if ever there was, is too liberal to hold office:
Hence, when the Federal government imposes evil upon the people of our state, interposition by the civil authorities in our state is needed and necessary. … On principle we should have told Scott Walker we will not vote for him because of our love for Christ and our fealty to God’s law and Word.
That’s all I really have to say. If you’re reading this article and you’re a Wisconsin resident progressive, vote if for no reason other than to cancel the ballot of this deluded human being.
2. Pat Robertson Rag is Last Media Organization on Earth to Believe in Voter Fraud, over at Christian Broadcasting Network: “Think Voter Fraud is a Joke? Think Again”
The Christian Right “Get Out the Vote” machine is so sad. Dark-skinned, same-sex marriage liberals are crossing state lines to vote twice!
No, seriously, a former Federal Elections Commissioner wrote a book about the subject! And he just so happens to be a senior legal fellow at The Heritage Foundation. Nothing funny about that, everybody, move along, move right along.
Tell you what: I will eat a live frog on camera if anyone in this country is caught crossing state borders to vote twice on Tuesday.
1. One Last Trick Before We Go, over at Amazing Facts: “Halloween and the Christian”
We realize that some readers don’t actually click the article links, but you should click this one. Pick any sentence at random. Read it. And if you’re still not motivated to vote progressive on Tuesday, then I’ll be happy to cross a state line to vote for you.
Still too lazy to click the link? Fine, I’ll just pick a few sentences at random:
Teach your children plainly and clearly that the Bible does not support worshiping or contacting dead people. People were made to live for eternity, and it is sin that leads to death—so making light of death overlooks the source of death: sin. Is sin and death really things to have fun with? Of course not.
Oh, sweet Starburst Jesus. You will never in 1,000 years convince me that Thomas Jefferson wanted men like Pastor Doug to have a crack at determining the political fate of millions of his fellow human beings.
Whatever you do, don’t vote for a dead person on Tuesday. The Bible doesn’t support that.
That’s a wrap!
Please open your hymnals to No. 53.
Do my prayers remain unanswered
Like a beggar at your sleeve
Olodumare is smiling in heaven
Smiling in heaven I do believe
Progressives, the November Elections are mere moments away!
And one-third of your fellow countrymen will be rushing to the polls Tuesday to vote twice to counter your demonic liberal double vote.
You and they will be voting for the following political offices:
—All 435 seats of the U.S. House of Representatives
—33 seats in the U.S. Senate
—46 State Legislatures
—And 38 State and Territorial Governorships.
Remember: A Progressive Vote is a vote for Civilization!
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