You probably recognize my Brylcreem’d visage from the billboards all about town. No? Well, I’m the Chief Pastoral Officer of Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries. Here’s my card: nothing says Prosperity Gospel like a Black Astrum, diamond-studded business card.
Plus I star in ads on public access, Sky Angel and Spike. Also, you may have noticed our ministry blimp up in the heavens during Wednesday night CZC church softball league games—you know, with the digital signs that say, “Give until it stigmatas.”
Still nothing? You wouldn’t happen to have a seeing eye dog on the premises? (That at least would explain the Bernie for President signs in the front yard.)
Well, I hope you don’t mind me dropping by unannounced. I haven’t done door-to-door evangelizing for quite some time—going all the way back to the original Moral Majority days when Reverend Falwell sent out the daily Evangelical talking points via 8-track—well before that Sith lord Roger Ailes took over.
Anyway, I just happened to be flying by in my G-Class Mercedes when I noticed the two LDS skirts pedaling the neighborhood on their three-speeds. In fact, I noticed them so much that I smashed into that sycamore tree in your front lawn—next thing I knew, I was staring at all the Bernie Sanders paraphernalia adorning your yard, including the ‘Feel the Bern’ barbecue grill, and I just knew the Holy Spirit had led me to you. By the way, you wouldn’t happen to have a spare 5.5L V8 Mercedes G-Class engine lying about? Didn’t think so; what socialist ever liked anything German?
Clearly the Lord has sent me to you to deliver you from the political demonic desecrations that have overtaken these premises.
What’s that you say? Your home is under the protective discernment of a Jewish activist who promotes the Golden Rule in private and public life? Well, praise His name, why didn’t you say so earlier!
Say, you wouldn’t happen to have a wee dram of whiskey, would you? I think I banged my head pretty hard on the steering wheel just before the air bag deployed. Sure, I’ll try a Heady Topper. Haven’t had one of those since my college missions trip to Utrecht and Amsterdam—that even predates my Falwell days.
Wow, that’s quite the beer. Say, I’m starting to feel a bit woozy. What’s that on your bureau? A mail-in primary ballot? Heh, you don’t mind if I fill her in, do you? Do I need a pen? Thank you very much, but I have a Visconti Alchemy HRH here in my lapel. Little gift I bought for myself after last week’s six-digit Tuesday evening Bible study offering.
Think I’ll just write in that spiritual sap, Brother Bear, who runs Glory Holy Ministries down the way, as County Sewer & Water Commissioner. Maybe write myself in for state comptroller—never hurts to have one’s hand on the cash. As for nominee for President, well, time to ask oneself the age-old question: What Would Jesus Do?
You know it. I know it. Christ knows it. (Or he would, if he wasn’t so busy telling every Republican with an Eagle Scout badge to run for the White House.) Vote for the radical Jew.
Please open your hymnals to No. 33.
My temple should be a house of prayer
But you have made it a den of thieves
Get up, get out!
Behold, the Christian Right Weekly Round-Up!
5. CHRISTIAN RIGHT WEEKLY ROUND-UP ENDORSES BERNIE SANDERS
Pastor Pillow may have endorsed Bernie by accident this week, but make no biblical bones about it, the Christian Right Weekly Round-Up is keenly aware when it declares: FEEL THE BERN!
There are so many ways to slice and dice it, but Bernie Sanders has more integrity than Monolith “H” and the Great Fog of Republican White House Wannabes combined. Plus, Bernie has a plan for the United States—a 12-step plan, which couldn’t be more fitting, as our nation desperately needs to overcome its addiction to the teats of Mammon:
1. Rebuilding Our Crumbling Infrastructure
2. Reversing Climate Change
3. Creating Worker Co-ops
4. Growing the Trade Union Movement
5. Raising the Minimum Wage
6. Pay Equity for Women Workers
7 Trade Policies that Benefit American Workers
8. Making College Affordable for All
9. Taking on Wall Street
10. Health Care as a Right for All
11. Protecting the Most Vulnerable Americans
12. Real Tax Reform
Bernie’s Agenda for America will put our nation back on the track of Civilization and empty for-profit prisons, while saving a few thin mattresses for the Wall Street gravy-grubbers who have bilked the golden calf for all she’s worth.
Hillary has…um…no wait, just a second, I had it just a minute ago…ah yes, here it is: Hillary is less in the pockets of the plutocrats than the Republican establishment. That’s, uh, quite the ticket.
Moreover, guess what? Bernie’s going to get to the White House WITHOUT creating a Super PAC and without throwing on a teddy and crawling into bed with gazillionaires.
Again, the Christian Right Weekly Round-Up officially declares: Hit me, Bernie, one more time!
4. God Wants Spouses to Stay Attached at the Hip (and the Fist) to Abusers, over at Christianity Today: “One in Three Americans Say Divorce Is Still a Sin in Cases of Abuse”
Well, I guess we know now why the Christian Right can’t figure out same-sex marriage. It can’t even figure out opposite-sex marriage: one-quarter of Protestant pastors believe that divorce as a result of spousal abuse “is a sin.” Don’t worry, though: 40% of Americans (of all faith creeds!) think that it’s a sin to get a divorce “when one partner has committed adultery.”
Even so, I have yet to see a single Kickstarter campaign devoted to a fundie family court clerk who refuses to issue divorce decrees.
3. Dead Men Talking, a la Charisma News: “The Sign of Christ’s Coming: A Vision Given to Oral Roberts”
Holy crap! Oral Roberts was a prophet, after all. He augured e-cigs!
“I saw something coming down from above: Smoke and vapor and blood, or it looked like that to my eyes, to my spiritual eyes.”
Seriously, is there anything more pathetic than dragging out the delusions of a nonagenarian televangelist years after his passing and concluding with a special sales pitch for your glossy, ultraconservative nut-job religion magazine: “40 issues of Charisma magazine for only $40!”
Geez, talk about the antichrist.
2. Bigot Chicken Doesn’t Fly in Denver, via Baptist Press: “Chick-fil-A Blocked from Denver Airport for Now”
For years, Chick-fil-A’s cardboard chicken sandwiches have been blocking the GI tracts of millions of foolhardy consumers. Now, the Denver City Council has blocked the issuance of a multi-year business lease to the fast food megacorp at the Denver International Airport “after at least four council members expressed disapproval of the company’s alleged opposition to same-sex marriage.”
And precisely why does this concern Baptist Press? It wouldn’t have anything to do with Chick-Fil-A’s CEO, Dan Cathy, attending a Baptist church, would it?
Don’t worry, though! Cathy’s business foundations have “‘dramatically’ cut donations to groups gay marriage supporters consider anti-gay.” Guess someone should tell the Denver City Council it’s now apparently okay to eat food that just barely passes edibility muster.
1. Bernie Soon to Stomp on Falwell’s Stomping Grounds, according to Christianity Daily: “Democratic Sen. Bernie Sanders to Speak at Liberty University in September”
I have no idea when the next John Hagee blood moon will apocalyptically color our night sky, but I’m pretty sure some biblical minor prophet must have tried to warn us of Monday, September 14, 2015. That, my friends, is the day that Senator Bernie Sanders touches down in Lynchburg, Virginia, and takes the podium at Liberty University.
I would do anything—anything—to see Bernie pull a Teletubby out of his blue suitcoat and say, “Join Tinky Winky and me in the Socialist Revolution!”
More seriously, it’s about time a Jewish social reformer impacted lives on that campus.
That’s a wrap!
Please open your hymnals to No. 1998.
While you rely on religion, I hold a nine
on the mission, to pull fire on your opposition
Revelation was the vision of this
Crack the heavens, it’s time to bring the business, shit
Pastor Pillow now makes national radio guest appearances on The Horn: The Head On Radio Network. Click to hear Pastor Pillow’s May 27 and June 10 tent revival segments with Brother Bob Kincaid. Pastor Pillow’s next Prayer Meetin’ Wednesday is September 2 at 6 p.m. ET. Mark your calendars and tune in!
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