Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Erects ‘The Dennis Hastert Wing & A Prayer Center’

dennis-hastertHello, I’m Pastor Pillow!

First, I would like to thank all members of the media for attending, as well as the entire Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries congregation flock—along with our corporate sponsors, Hobby Lobby, Chick-fil-A and Lockheed Martin.

Because so many dedicated CZC Ministries sheep showed up for this ribbon-cutting ceremony, I am pleased to offer a special 3% discount on all Palladium-Level CZC Ministries annual memberships, plus free podcast access to my recent, May 27 tent revival meeting with Brother Bob Kincaid in West “By God!” Virginia.

But most especially, I would like to thank the hundreds of fallen and reformed Christian ministers, evangelists and politicians who have gathered today on the grounds of our megachurch dominion and plantation to join me in opening the doors of The Dennis Hastert ‘Wing & A Prayer’ Center for Temporarily Misguided Christian Leaders.

Oh look, I think I see Brother Swaggart way up high in the mezzanine.  And if it isn’t Mark Sanford in the front row—he’s even wearing his Appalachian Trail hiking boots!  My goodness, is that Larry Craig tapping his toes beside him?

There were some who questioned our decision to erect a recovery center for fallen fundamentalist Christian leaders.  There were also a few who wondered why I insist on using the word “erect” so indiscriminately to describe building this belfry for backsliders.

Why, speaking of “erect,” if it isn’t former Chairman of the U.S. House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children Mark Foley, who, um—Representative, I would ask that you kindly put your phone on vibrate.  Also, to avoid ungodly titillation, please don’t put it in your pants pocket, either.  (Psst.  Larry, don’t let Mr. Foley anywhere near the youth group Rehoboam Romp Room.)

Anyway, where was I?  Ah yes.  Today, as I stand boldly behind this $2,600 Forbes Industries 5005 series acrylic podium, dressed impeccably in a $15,000 handcrafted Ermenegildo Zegna suit, it is with great pride—I mean, not the kind of pride that led King Nebuchadnezzar to go all Edwards Scissorhands and roll around in the dewy grass—more like the kind of pride when you realize there’s a massive, unclaimed Kingdom of God financial boon that you just nailed with a little brick and mortar and a QuickBooks file or two.  Can I get a Dave Ramsey C-Note Amen!

At any rate, it has become increasingly clear that Christ’s Kingdom is long overdue for a Betty Ford-style convalescence center for fallen fundamentalist leaders.  You simply have no idea how difficult it is for us apostolic leaders to channel the marshmallowy, ambrosia-like succulence of the Holy Spirit day in and day out.  Such a constant watchtower call leaves us vulnerable to the slings and arrows of outrageous fornication.

Sadly, so many are temporarily led astray by teenage congressional pages, by red kerchief Rahab escorts, by Mammon’s regurgitated pap.

And now, I would like to turn over the $10,000 Sony C800GPAC microphone to a man who has served the Kingdom of God all his life, as well as the people of Illinois as a U.S. Representative for two decades, and who has the distinction of being the longest-serving Republican Speaker of the House.  Please lift some hallelujah hands and give a resounding glossolalia shout out for Dennis Hastert, after whom this righteous relapse sanctuary is named.


Um, where’s Denny?

Ladies and gentlemen, former Speaker J. Dennis Hastert!

Well, this is embarrassing.

(Psst.  Larry, what’s going on?  Oh my goodness, you’ve got to be kidding me.  Federal charges?!  Please tell me he was bonking a woman.  A male?!  Alleged bonking, of course.  Back when he was a high school wrestling coach?!  Suh-weet christological crap.  Well, better go get a room ready for him.  Must be nice checking into one’s own recovery center.

Ladies and gentlemen, seems we have a bit of a delay in the ceremony.  So, at this time, I would like to turn over the stage to the Cubic Zirconium Cathedral ladies bikini volleyball team!

Good Lord I hope they survive Mark Driscoll.  Larry, find me a bottle of Beefeater.

Please open your hymnals to No. 1976.

What does it matter to ya
When you got a job to do, you gotta do it well
You gotta give the other fellow hell

Pastor Pillow now makes national radio guest appearances on The Horn: The Head On Radio Network.  To hear Pastor Pillow’s May 27 tent revival segment with Brother Bob Kincaid, CLICK HERE.  (The good minister arrives at the 13-minute mark.)

Behold, the Christian Right Weekly Round-Up!

What To Do When Your Fundie Public Policy Center is Named After an Alleged Sex Abuser, via Christianity Today:  Former House Speaker Indicted, Resigns from Wheaton Advisory Board”

The Pastor Pillow satire section is usually followed by summaries of five articles from the Christian Right media that truly blow the camel hair, thigh-length stockings off anything offensive put forward by Fox News, the Washington Times, et al.  But for the second time in a month, we’re going to cover just one story.  And that’s because my alma mater, Wheaton College—considered by many to be the “Evangelical Harvard”—just can’t avoid falling face-first into political cow pies these days.

Last October, I was approached by Al Jazeera America and asked my opinion regarding Wheaton College’s efforts to step up its national political presence.  Ever since President Obama enacted the Affordable Care Act, Wheaton has seemed determined to take its place alongside Liberty University and Regent University as Evangelical kingmakers.

And why shouldn’t it?  Its second-most-famous alumnus is the longest-serving Republican Speaker of the House, former U.S. Representative Dennis Hastert (Wheaton, Class of ’64).  (Wheaton’s most famous alum is of course none other than Billy Graham.)  In fact, Wheaton College was so proud of its Illinois native son Speaker, and now wealthy lobbyist, that it named its Center for Economics, Government and Public Policy after him.

But this past week, the charlatan shit hit the fan.  This LA Times article title about says it all:  “Former House Speaker Dennis Hastert Accused of Hiding Sex Abuse of Former Student.”  Oh, and the accusers?  The federal government.  As well as a former male student at Yorkville High School, where Hastert both taught and served as a wrestling coach.

Wait, so one of the most distinguished Republican politicians in U.S. history—an outspoken conservative Christian and one of the Mt. Rushmore faces of Wheaton College’s Conquer for Christ & Kingdom public policy agenda—is now facing federal charges related to an alleged gay sex abuse bribery scandal?  Yep.

But Hastert was “known for his ethics,” as the Christianity Today link above puts it.  The Washington Post says it even better:  Hastert was the “no ‘skeletons’ guy.”

Of course, anyone who has paid the least bit of attention to Christian Right leadership the past three decades shouldn’t be at all surprised.  Conservative sex scandals—especially conservative Christian sex scandals—are tragically a dime a dozen.  Here’s another link.  In fact, there are so many of these scandals that Wikipedia decided to break them down into subcategories.

Yet the voting public keeps putting these yahoos into office.  And so it goes.

I know it’s lost in all the shuffle, but the thing that really grates on me is the fact that the Wheaton College alumni magazine more or less ostracizes all LGBTQ alumni when it comes to major life announcements, including marriage and children.  Its excuse?

Because Wheaton Magazine is an expression of the College’s commitment to what it holds to be biblical faith and practice, we do not communicate events that, to our knowledge, fall outside of convictions expressed in our institution’s Statement of Faith and Community Covenant.

So while my friends cannot see their legal marriages celebrated in the Wheaton College alumni magazine, J. Dennis Hastert’s name remains attached to Wheaton College’s Center for Economics, Government, and Public Policy.

Nice, Wheaton College.  I hope you’re enjoying your moment in the public policy limelight.  You’ve once again made all of Christendom proud.

As for your famous alums:  the good name of Billy Graham is being perpetually soiled by his asshat son, Franklin.  And Hastert-Gate is quickly ruining famous son number two.

I guess that just leaves your third most famous alum—you know, the man who brought the world the dude with the fedora and long fingernails who resides at 1428 Elm Street.  Yep, none other than Wes Craven.  Now that ought to keep Wheaton College’s administration up at night.

That’s a wrap!

Please open your hymnals to No. 1986.

Whoa, we’re half way there
Whoa, livin’ on a prayer…

Progressives, the November Elections are—damn, you missed it. It’s too late. While we Progressives sat around drinking craft beer, more than one-third of our fellow fundamentalist countrymen rushed to the polls and elected the most idiotic group of human beings ever yet to rule a superpower.

But don’t worry. We’ll get another shot to right the Good Ship Civilization (subliminal hyperlink to Bernie 2016) on Tuesday, November 8, 2016. Hopefully our Little Blue Planet will still be alive and kicking by then. And hopefully we can all get off our Balaam’s asses this time and find a voting booth.

Arik Bjorn

Arik Bjorn lives in Columbia, South Carolina. He was the Democratic Party / Green Party fusion candidate for U.S. Congress in the 2nd Congressional District of South Carolina. Visit the archive for Arik’s campaign website, and check out his latest book, So I Ran for Congress. You can also follow his political activities on Twitter @Bjorn2RunSC and on Facebook. And be sure to check out more from Arik in his archives!


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