Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Faces Stiff Competition from Glory Holy Ministries

Enter Ted Cruz, who this week participated in an anti-White House rally in support of Ibrahim. (Yeah, take a minute for that sentence to digest.) Cruz doesn’t understand why President Obama hasn’t used the Presidential Bully Pulpit to call for Ibrahim’s release.

By the way, Ibrahim’s husband is a U.S. citizen.

And, according to U.S. News & World Report:

Likewise, there’s apparently been no high-profile private diplomacy. No cabinet secretaries, current or former, have been jumping on planes and no members of Congress, Republican or Democrat, have flown over to demand they be allowed to meet with her and check on her condition. It’s almost as though she doesn’t exist.

So, um, why isn’t the White House speaking candidly about this situation? Please, Mr. Obama, don’t make me side with Senator Cruz. Pretty please! SAY SOMETHING ALREADY!!

What the hell is wrong with this Little Blue Planet?

3. Nadal Died for Your Sins, Love-Love, over at Christian Post: “Rafael Nadal Completely Manhandled by Jamaican Juggernaut”

Articles like this are why I sacrifice my Saturday nights for you, dear reader.

Fresh off his French Open victory, Spanish jeu de paume champ Rafael Nadal was bested by a German-Jamaican named Dustin Brown in the opening round of the Lederhosen Open, or something like that.

Good for Brown! Besides, Nadal kind of reminds me of those preppy douchebags in high school who made fun of the fact that I didn’t own any Lacoste shirts.

At any rate, I just want you to bask in the ingloriousness of columnist Dan Delzell’s inane devotional:

So hang in there. And be encouraged by God’s love for you. You don’t have to be a famous athlete to get the attention of heaven. You just need to trust in the One who opened the way for you and I to celebrate an eternal victory with our Creator.

Come to think of it, Jesus manhandled Satan, sin and death at the cross. And because of Christ’s victory, every earthly victory and defeat gets swallowed up in comparison to what ultimately matters in life and in death.

Because tennis?

Fundamentalism: what a racquet.

2. SKIPPING NUMBER TWO THIS WEEK

We found an article on the Wisconsin Christian News that was so incredibly insipid that if we actually told you what it was, the author’s head would explode. So instead, let us use this moment to remind you that the people who run the WCN website probably vote.

IF YOU ARE A RESIDENT OF WISCONSIN, PLEASE SHOW UP AT THE POLLS ON NOVEMBER 4, 2014, TO OPPOSE EVERYTHING THIS WEBSITE STANDS FOR.

That is all.

1. Proverbs 30:12: Yours stanks as bad as mine

We aren’t usually much for quoting Bible verses around here, but, in light of Mr. Anonymous Former Youth Minister Who Can’t Keep His Pecker in His Pants, we stumbled upon one this week that simply deserves some attention. Don’t worry: it applies to all manner of hypocrites.

It’s never easy deciding which Bible translation to present to readers, but in this instance, we’re confident that the GOD’S WORD Translation is the way to go. Frankly, I’m not the least bit surprised that this translation of the Bible was produced in Cleveland.

Every time you hear some highfalutin politician or pompous religious talking head spouting nonsense at you this week, just throw a little Proverbs 30:12 at the screen or speaker:

“A certain kind of person thinks he is pure but is not washed from his own feces.”

Solomon had it down pat: fundamentalist blowhards are in fact covered in their own excrement.

You know, I think OutKast had a similar idea. Please turn in your hymnals to No. 54:

I know you’d like to thank your shit don’t stank/
But lean a little bit closer, see that roses really smell like boo-boo-oo/
Yeah, roses really smell like poo-poo-oo

That’s a wrap!

And just why do we present the Christian Right Weekly Round-Up each week?

Because one-third of the country is heading to the polls on November 4, 2014 to decide the following:

—All 435 seats of the U.S. House of Representatives
—33 seats in the U.S. Senate
—46 State Legislatures
—And 38 State and Territorial Governorships.

Um, hello. That’s only this many days away!

VOTE FOR CIVILIZATION!

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Arik Bjorn

Arik Bjorn lives in Columbia, South Carolina. He was the Democratic Party / Green Party fusion candidate for U.S. Congress in the 2nd Congressional District of South Carolina. Visit the archive for Arik’s campaign website, and check out his latest book, So I Ran for Congress. You can also follow his political activities on Twitter @Bjorn2RunSC and on Facebook. And be sure to check out more from Arik in his archives!

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