Today, we are gathered to commemorate and lift on high to the Lord the life of Larry, the Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries worship band flugelhorner. I see Charles Bodeloder waving way up high in the third mezzanine—no intention to offend, Chuck! Let me rephrase: Larry was ‘second chair’ flugelhorn in the CZC Ministries worship band, as well as the stand-in Glockenspieler.
Larry was a man of numerous mortal and spiritual talents. He also taught the adult Sunday School glossolalia class, as well as regular Sunday School prophecy. In fact, it was Larry who discovered the unique, Spirit-led visions of Edna Snorkhoggler. Thanks to Edna’s revelations, I was led to create a special third offering during the Wednesday evening service—without which we never could have afforded that $1 million annual membership to the Sarojin Resort in Thailand, which we now use for special occasion baptisms. (Me dunk you long time. Heh. Ahem.) And, of course, Edna is one heckuva CZC youth girls softball team third baseman; she knows right when a line drive is about to come screaming down the line.
I would like to thank the dearly departed Larry, as well as his family, as he could not have died at a better time to accommodate my hectic, ministerial schedule. Here we are, well enough removed finally from the SCOTUS ruling to hand over the United States to Beelzebub, such that we can ask Liberty Counsel to litigate the matter until Christ returns, yet still not quite into the thick of the Presidential Campaign. By the way, with so many Republican members of The Family running for the White House, I’ll be making enough spiritual discernment house calls—ka-ching ka-ching—between now and the end of primary season that we might finally be able to build that new End Times Whore of Babylon Matterhorn between the Noah’s Ark Zoological Gardens and the Red Sea Shoot the Chute.
Anyway, back to Larry. Like any good Christian family man, he lived his life in fear of eternal damnation, and made sure that his wife, Gloria, and all seven of their children were scared snotless as they retired each evening. He tithed regularly—just barely enough, but 10% is 10%. Speaking of which, I have to remember to give Dorothy and Marvin Titwheeler their congregation membership pink slip. Quarterly reports just came back—turns out the Titwheelers have only been giving 9.8% of their Social Security checks to us the past six years. Listen, I don’t care how many wells they may have paid to tap in the third world via Samaritan’s Purse—what they send to other ministries doesn’t count in my book. Literally. (And, besides, half of that money goes straight into the Franklin Graham Coiffure Fund.)
At this time, I’m going to ask the Oath Keepers to pass around the palladium-plated offering plates. Please, no need to be intimated by their heavy artillery and bazookas. Yes, those are real hand grenades, so please don’t pull the pin. Or if you do, duck behind your pew! Anyway, if you happen to find yourself staring down the barrel of a Rheinmetall RMG.50 and find the Holy Spirit leading you to donate 50% of your retirement fund, just know that we take cash, checks, money order and all credit cards—even stamp and baseball card collections.
We appreciate your generosity, as there is little doubt that Larry’s now-destitute family is hardly going to be able to afford that plot in the CZC Ministries Cemetery.
Let us bow our heads and empty the contents of our purses and wallets.
Please open your hymnals to No. 620,000.
Money, money, money
Must be funny
In the rich man’s world
Money, money, money
Behold, the Christian Right Weekly Round-Up!
5. Franklin Graham and the Art of Fleecing Charitable Donors, on a platinum-plated offering plate over at McClatchyDC: “Billy Graham’s Son is Taking Ministry Pay He Once Gave Up”
Joke: What does the Son of God and Franklin Graham’s salary have in common?
Punchline: Both have risen from the dead.
Franklin Graham not only draws a hefty $600K salary from the international “relief” agency Samaritan’s Purse, but the infamous, anti-LGBTQ darling, race relations expert, Christian Right poster child also milks his dad’s organization, the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association, for an annual allowance. Of course, Franklin had accepted a substantive pay cut to his BGEA salary back in 2010 following media scrutiny. But no worries—it’s been resurrected to the $200K range again. Poor Franky: might not even crack seven figures this year without a book deal.
Another way to think about Franklin Graham’s multi-ministry annual payday? Were he to reduce by half his Samaritan’s Purse salary alone, that organization could likely facilitate an additional 600 cleft palate procedures per year, or perhaps purchase an additional 100,000 mosquito nets for children. Anyone in the developing world need an additional 4,000 wheelchairs?
Can’t we at least stop making bigoted, hypocritical international relief agency directors rich? STOP DONATING TO ORGANIZATIONS LIKE THIS!
Instead, if you’re in the market to support a faith-based humanitarian organization, perhaps consider the Mennonite Central Committee, which has a reasonable organizational compensation guideline: “our highest salary is no more than five times the lowest salary.”
4. Look to God to Fill Your Dastardly Sexual Urges, over at Christian Post: “How Porn Prevents Christians from Being Filled with the Holy Spirit”
Well, it’s been almost a week since someone in the Christian Right media blew the horn (as it were) on the vile act of sexual gratification via pornography. Although I have to admit, this is the first time I’ve ever read a Christian author argue that “sexual lust is highly addictive.”
Amen, Pastor Delzell! I mean, what the hell was Evolutionary Biology thinking?!
Not only that, but viewing porn prevents Christians from being filled with the Holy Spirit. For, as we all know, naked people getting it on is Trinity Kryptonite.
That said, I’m curious how the good pastor would react to recent studies that suggest men in their 50s who whack-a-do regularly rather than whack-a-don’t (regardless of sexual intercourse activity) are much less susceptible to prostate cancer.
WebMD says “Beat it in moderation.” Thus, if pornography isn’t an option, guess it’s time to hone up on my Song of Solomon.
3. What’s a Little Harmless Prophesying and Demon Hunting?, a la Christianity Today: “My Weird Childhood Faith Isn’t So Weird Anymore”
There are more than 300 million human beings who believe that the Holy Spirit specially inhabits human beings and bestows upon them certain “gifts,” such as prophecy, faith-healing, speaking in tongues, the ability to cast out demons, and an irresistible urge to watch Kirk Cameron films. Such people also tend to believe that if their car blows a gasket, the reason is likely some unseen supernatural power and/or “principality” rather than an issue with the cylinder head.
I grew up among such people. I attended their churches, their schools. I worked for their businesses.
Sarah Bessey wants you to believe they aren’t weird. She’s wrong. They’re not just weird—they’re flatly dangerous to Civilization. Demons do not control human beings—with the exception of the U.S. House of Representatives. But that’s okay, like I said, there are only several hundred million of them—and of those, only a few are running for President in 2016.
Everything is just fine. Now, move along. Wait, there’s a demon!! DUCK!!
Damn. Another blown gasket.
2. Once They Have an Ark, All They’ll Need is Chris Pratt, via Answers in Genesis: “Exciting Ark Video Update”
As you watch the video at the link above, ponder this quote: “This will be one of the greatest Christian attractions in the world and will be opened sometime in 2016.”
Actually, the most hilarious part of the video is seeing all of the industrial equipment and modern technology required to make this mythical mega-boat. Gee, I’m sure Noah wished he’d had cement trucks and an overhead crane—maybe even just a Sears Craftsman hammer.
1. Congress Members Frustrated by Muslims Exercising Free Speech, according to Christian Broadcasting Network: “Muslims Harass U.S. Congressmen on Temple Mount”
Israel has been wining and dining many U.S. Congress members of late in order fan the flame of discord for the Iran nuclear deal. Yet these Beltway world leaders were none too pleased when they encountered a bit of Islamic free speech protest at the Dome of the Rock.
I don’t know, maybe Congress’ next junket should be Ferguson, Missouri. Think they’ll like what they hear there, either?
That’s a wrap!
Please open your hymnals to No. 316.
See da ‘ypocrites, dem a-galang deh!
See da ‘ypocrites, dem a-galang deh!
Pastor Pillow now makes national radio guest appearances on The Horn: The Head On Radio Network. Click to hear Pastor Pillow’s June 10 and August 5 tent revival segments with Brother Bob Kincaid. Pastor Pillow’s next Prayer Meetin’ Wednesday is August 19 at 6 p.m. ET. Mark your calendars and tune in!
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