Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow, Franklin Graham and Jerry Falwell, Jr. Walk Into a Bar Mitzvah

unnamed-13Hello, I’m Pastor Pillow!

Jerry, Jr., Franklin. Franklin, Jerry, Jr. I can hardly believe this is the first time the three of us have met—though of course I knew your fathers well. Sorry, Franklin, don’t want to bury your dad alongside Jerry, Sr., quite yet. But even I’ve got to admit that Billy would probably keel over if he saw you knocking back shots of Magnum Gray Goose with Vladimir Putin.

I apologize for the scheduling snafu. The new Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries secretary, Ingeborg, clearly misunderstood my instructions. We were supposed to sit in on Rabbi Fried’s bar mitzvah—then walk him through the Evangelical Presidential Primary Talking Points. Who says we fundamentalists can’t be interfaith these days? Hey, if we’re going to build a wall, we might as well learn from the Haredi.

That said, thanks to my Swedish church secretary who still hasn’t quite mastered the English language, here we find ourselves at Brother Bear’s Glory Hole Church Centre & Tavern. Puts a totally new spin on bangers and mash. Not the venue we were shooting for—still, let’s make the most of our time. Everyone, pull out your day planners, and let’s coordinate our 2016 calendars.

Hey, waitress! A round of Stellas for me and the Ultimate PKs.

I hope we can all agree that Islamophobia carries us straight through January and the February presidential primaries. Also, let’s not forget that there’s a Super Bowl in the middle of all of that. Praise be and pigskin! (Make sure to add a dash of Tim Tebow wherever you can.)

March and April—Easter. Always a good time to bemoan the lack of peace in the Middle East. Thanks, Obama. Also, I’m sure by then we’ll have a few more bus and settlement attacks—hopefully not too many Palestinians hospital bombings, though. It’s hard to vilify a people when their sick kids are being carpet-bombed by drones.

Next is May through August. Once summer is upon us, don’t forget: climate change—deny, deny, deny! Remember, Yahweh controls the sun, moon and stars—so, by golly, if He can’t control the atmosphere, what good is a Great I AM! Also, there’s the Republican National Convention in July. From Awana Clubs to Browns bars, we should be able to mop up every straggler Evangelical vote in and around Lake Erie. They say the heart of rock and roll is in Cleveland!

Then into the fall. Bring it on, Election Day! With a Trump-Cruz Ticket, there’s nothing to stop us from ushering in the Messiah on a cloud of F-14 Tomcats. And so, we might as well just tear December from our calendars. No need for it. We’ll be whisked away into the celestial beyond, leaving all those progressives and Mohammadeans to cough in the swirling dust from our heaven-bound feet.

Hallelujah! Waitress, another round for me and the Wonder Twins! Today, we ride in limos. Tomorrow, we fly in glory!

Please open your hymnals to No. 640:

I hope you grow up to become that everything you can be
That’s all I wanted for you, young’n, like father, like son

My little man, your day is coming, coming, your day is coming, I tell you
And when it comes, just keep it running, running, just keep it running, I tell you

Here are five articles from the Christian Right Media over the past week that remind progressives of the critical need to show up at the polls on Tuesday, November 8, 2016, if ever we are to right the Good Ship Civilization:

5.  “These Religious Leaders Just Endorsed Ted Cruz” via Charisma News

I swear this isn’t a headline from The Onion. There are real rabbis in actual space-time—more than two dozen of them—who have endorsed the presidential candidacy of Senator Ted “End Times” Cruz. Rabbis Barkany, Rabbi Merkin, Rabbi Skaist, et al: just curious if you’ve seen these video clips of the Good Senator Cruz and his father the charismatic Christian preacher Rafael, plus their megachurch sandbox friends, wreaking Evangelical apocalyptic havoc?

Who’s heard of the “End Time transfer of wealth”? Did you know that back in 2012, God selected bankers to usher in the coming of the Messiah?

Seriously, folks, these are unreasonable human beings, completely unhinged and disjointed from reality. And Candidate Cruz’s response to all of this: “No one knows the dangers of ambitious dictators and of terrorism more vividly than the Jewish people.”

Sorry, Donald Trump might be a Triple-A Hitler biding his time, but Ted Cruz is an Evangelical Ayatollah with an eschatological nuclear knapsack strapped to his back. Oh, and remind me: who are today’s Republican Presidential Nominee Frontrunners according to RealClearPolitics? Yep, Hitler & the Ayatollah.

4.  “Franklin Graham: Hope for Russia and Every Nation Lies in Jesus Christ” via Billy Graham Evangelistic Association

If you choose to endorse or financially support any organization that bears the mark of Franklin Graham after reading this quote from his December 8 “I went to Russia” Diary, you need your spiritual heart and head examined:

“Not only did I have a chance to meet with Russian church leaders, but also with Russian President Vladimir Putin. He was warm and gracious and took a significant amount of time to sit and discuss issues with me, including the persecution of churches throughout the Middle East. Although our governments may have differences, I found that the people of Russia were welcoming and desire a good relationship with the United States.”

Yes, the son of Billy Graham just described one of the most ruthless human beings alive as “warm and gracious.”

Franklin Graham, you have no business leading “crusades” in Russia, Tokyo or anywhere else. You are a right-wing charlatan who makes a living spitting the venom of antichrist hate. And it’s time leaders throughout Christendom call you, Jerry Falwell Jr., and your Evangelical huckster ilk on your horse meadow muffin missions.

3.  “Decision America Tour 2016 with Franklin Graham” over at Billy Graham Evangelistic Association

See above. Hmm: Almost all of these dates align with Republican Presidential Primary dates. What a coincidence. Just another horse meadow muffin mission in support of barbaric candidates whose political ideologies threaten the very core of Civilization.

2. A Christian University Toughens Its Anti-LGBT Stances” a la The Advocate

It boggles my mind that there remains sufficient reason to post my essay, “What Every American Should Know about the Biblical “Definitions” of Marriage,” which has been read by several hundred thousand people—but apparently not by any administrators at Biola University in Southern California.

According to Biola’s doctrinal statement: “Biblical marriage consists only of a faithful, heterosexual union between one genetic male and one genetic female, and biblical marriage is the only legitimate and acceptable context for a sexual relationship.”

I beg to differ: “If you are naïve enough to believe in a Biblical Definition of Marriage based solely on the misguided hermeneutical assumption that there was an historical Adam and Eve, then you also need to fess up that your personal theology includes a Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval for sibling incest—unless you have some other suggestion for how Adam and Eve’s children managed to propagate our species.”

Grow up, ‪Biola.

1.  A Herd of Manatees over at National Geographic

Seriously, I can’t take this crap any longer. Here is a beautiful photograph of four manatees that have figured out how to stay calm in the midst of ultraconservative madness. Let us meditate with these tranquil sea cows.

That’s a wrap!

And don’t forget!  Pastor Pillow now makes national radio guest appearances on The Horn: The Head On Radio Network.  Click to hear Pastor Pillow’s October 14, November 11 and December 9 tent revival segments with Brother Bob Kincaid.  Pastor Pillow’s next Prayer Meetin’ Wednesday is December 23 at 6 p.m. ET. Mark your calendars and tune in!

Also, Human Beings Everywhere:  Follow The Golden Rule.

Arik Bjorn

Arik Bjorn lives in Columbia, South Carolina. He was the Democratic Party / Green Party fusion candidate for U.S. Congress in the 2nd Congressional District of South Carolina. Visit the archive for Arik’s campaign website, and check out his latest book, So I Ran for Congress. You can also follow his political activities on Twitter @Bjorn2RunSC and on Facebook. And be sure to check out more from Arik in his archives!


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