Hello, I’m Pastor Pillow!
Welcome to the confectionary-free confines of Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries on this great and terrible day that worshipers of Satan, that False Light & Fallen One, that Lascivious Leader of Political Progressives, call Halloween!
Here, purchase one of our Fall (But Not as Far as Adam!) Creationism Celebration and Creative Witnessing Reformation Day Festival $45 raffle tickets—cash only—and I’ll trade you for a bag of trail mix with all of the M&Ms picked out. So sorry, I don’t happen to have any change on me. But I’ll gladly take all three of those 20-dollar bills. And, just because I love you with pure Christian agape, I’ll even toss a fear-mongering Chick Publications track into your heathen jack-o-lantern for no extra charge.
By the way, I see you didn’t get the memo. You were supposed to dress as your favorite 16th-century Church reformer. So far, almost everyone thinks I’m Martin Luther—it’s the hat, I tell you—but really I’m Huldrych Zwingli. And if you think Obamacare is a cruel dictatorship, wait’ll you get a load of theocratic Zurich! Post some theses on these doors, why don’t you?
Anyway, if you want to see something really spiritually uplifting, head on over to the Ken Ham Believe It or Not! Museum and visit our vegetable Jesus carving exhibition. My favorite piece is the Parable of the Prodigal Son that parishioner Denise Karnswaggle somehow managed to fit onto a hollowed turnip. (Guess that makes it a hallowed turnip now—heh!)
So, like I was saying, welcome to the festival. But don’t forget: there’s a “Creative Witnessing” component. Once you’re done celebrating the Young Earth, we want you to head into one of the local neighborhoods and let our neighbors know that they’re exalting Beelzebub by putting animatronic zombies on their front lawn. Also, feel free to egg the homes of those who practice other religions—especially Islam. And put in a good word for the Republican Presidential Frontrunner of the Moment. Not really sure if it’s the Demented Neurosurgeon, the Comb-Over Dictator or the Teabag Texan—boy, talk about a Monster Mash.
All right, where was I? Ah yes, here’s your chocolate-free trail mix packet. Plus your raffle ticket. Stick around; toward the end of the evening, we’ll be burning an effigy of Bill Nye the Science Guy and giving away our raffle prize: an all-expense short-term missions trip to Bolivia! It even comes with a full prescription of chloroquine phosphate!
And here you were hoping for a treat. Sorry, friend: it’s a crapshoot, but someone’s gotta fall for the tricks offered in Jesus’ name.
Please open your hymnals to No. 1031.
’Cause this is thriller, thriller night
And no one’s gonna save you from the beast about to strike
You know it’s thriller, thriller night
You’re fighting for your life inside a killer
Every day, the Christian Right Media makes a financial killing reporting news with an outlandish slant to millions of Christian fundamentalists across the Fruited Plain. According to Forbes, the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) alone brings in nearly $300 million in annual revenue. Yet CBN is a mere bright star in a galaxy of hundreds of Christian Right Media organizations that put even Fox News to shame.
Here are five articles from the Christian Right Media over the past week that remind progressives of the critical need to show up at the polls on Tuesday, November 8, 2016, if ever we are to right the Good Ship Civilization:
5. “What Does the Bible Say about Halloween?” over at About Religion
Well, Mary Fairchild, “Christianity Expert,” the answer is: jack. Not as in Jack the Pumpkin King. Rather, jack as in squat. Zilch. Nada. As Fairchild notes, Halloween wasn’t even a twinkle in the calendarial eye of any of the biblical authors.
Thus, some might applaud Fairchild for concluding with a hedging, “decide for yourself” maxim with respect to the cultural wholesomeness of Halloween. But it takes a special kind of Balaam’s asinine perspective to suggest that the prohibition in Deuteronomy against sacrificing one’s son or daughter as a burnt offering bears any possible application to a holiday devoted to dressing up like Avengers characters and eating Almond Joys. Yet Fairchild includes the reference any-who because, if nothing else, human sacrifice makes for a nice fundie window dressing.
4. “Why Christians Absolutely Should Not Celebrate Halloween” a la Charisma News
Assemblies of God Pastor Jamie Morgan of Life Church in Williamstown, New Jersey, is convinced that dressing up like a Jedi Knight or Disney Princess is akin to dancing with the devil in the pale moon light. (Actually, that only applies to significant Disney shareholders.)
Pastor Morgan justifies her position by citing a passage in a Pauline epistles that prohibits the touching of unclean things—which includes the Detroit Lions offensive line, the campaign staff of Bobby Jindal, as well as those who “focus on death” by placing foam tombstones in their yards.
Hey, Pastor Morgan, bet I can come up with more legitimate reasons why a Christian shouldn’t vote Republican than you can why a church shouldn’t host a Zombie Run.
3. “Houston’s ‘Great Church of Lucifer’ Opening on Halloween” over at Christian Broadcasting Network
A group of Houston Satanists claim they’re worshiping free thinking, not so much Lucifer. Word has it that area Baptists are preparing a cross-town missions trip to convert the Satanists back to closedmindedness.
2. “Marco Rubio Takes Lead Among Evangelical Leaders, Survey Says” via Charisma News
You’re probably thinking: Phew! At least this means Trump and Carson are starting to falter.
But breathing a sigh of relief due to the recent rise of Senator Rubio is a bit like saying, “Oh, thank God Freddy Kreuger and Michael Myers aren’t going to hack me to pieces. I’m really looking forward to spending the weekend camping with that Jason Voorhees chap.”
After years of squandering his parents’ fortune, Eddie Munster finally makes a name for himself. I know, I shouldn’t have—but it’s Halloween. And I owed you one last treat.
That’s a wrap!
Pastor Pillow now makes national radio guest appearances on The Horn: The Head On Radio Network. Click to hear Pastor Pillow’s September 2 and October 14 tent revival segments with Brother Bob Kincaid. Pastor Pillow’s next Prayer Meetin’ Wednesday is November 11 at 6 p.m. ET. Mark your calendars and tune in!
Also, Human Beings Everywhere: Follow The Golden Rule.
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