Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow on the Hunt, Satan the Lion on the Prowl

lionHello, I’m Pastor Pillow!

Here, hold these binoculars for me while I reload my semi-automatic Barret M82A1. I still can’t believe those customs officials believed it was a back scratcher. Or maybe that was the $10,000 bribe talking.

So glad you could be one of the lucky few who gets to partake in the Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries annual summer short-term missionary trip to—um, where are we again? One of those God-fearing, homosexual-hating countries in Africa, right? Lesotho, Zimbabwe, Swaziland. Something like that.

Wait, you see one? Hand me those binoculars. Where?

Ah, yes, I see him. Reminds me of those words in I Peter: “Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”


And, look! There’s a native! Quick, toss one of the Camo NLT Bibles at him! This is a mission trip, after all. Oh wait, looks like he needs help. What’s he saying—something about being chased by a pride of lions. Well, I’m sure some Good Samaritan will be along soon to help. Hey, Jiri, floor the Land Rover, will you? We need to get in good position for a decent shot at the alpha male. No, the lion, not the native. Ha! Who does he think we are, university police officers?

You know, I simply don’t understand all this outrage over trophy hunting. God himself set the bar for us: so long as there are two of every kind that can get on a gopher wood boat, every species is fine. Listen, I hear people complaining about these northern white rhinos—well, there are still four, aren’t there? That’s two more than entered Noah’s Ark. So what’s the big deal?

Good Lord, look at that creature. I’ve never seen such a mane. Practically makes the knees knock, that one does. He’s certainly no tame lion. Why, he’s the greatest lion the world has ever seen. And with a roar like that, he’ll keep the jackals and the Telmarines at bay!

What’s that? Have mercy on him? Caretake the planet?! Who in the name of the Great Tetragrammaton told you that man is supposed to be a caretaker of the planet? I’m sorry, but you need to open up one of those camouflage Bibles and read for yourself. Genesis 1: “Let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.”

Does that sound like caretaking to you? If anything, it sounds like a prophecy for one of these trusty, rapid-fire Barretts.

Now just hold your horses while I … focus the sight … oh boy, can’t wait to mount that taxidermied head in the CZC Koinonia Coffee Room … adjust for wind … and squeeze the trigger.

POW!

(if only)

Please open your hymnals to No. 2007.

Weep, little lion man,
You’re not as brave as you were at the start

Tremble, little lion man,
You’ll never settle any of your scores
Your grace is wasted in your face…

Behold, the Christian Right Weekly Round-Up!

5. And the Conflation of the Year Award Goes to…Christian Broadcasting News: Cecil The Lion vs. Cecile The Planned Parenthood President”

Someone needs to tell CBN Chief Political Correspondent David Brody, as well as every other human being with a political cause near and dear to his or her heart, the following: It is perfectly acceptable to be outraged by a singular event (Cecil the Lion) in the midst of a myriad of other unacceptable outrages (Russia’s Invasion of Ukraine, ISIS, Drones, Deflate-Gate, the death of Jon Snow). Period.

Also, I think the only thing that would satisfy a myopic person like Brody is a cable channel devoted exclusively to abortion. Tune in to AborTV! Where you and your entire family can sit on the ottoman, munch popcorn, and watch babies picked apart by tweezers 24 hours a day!

And for what it’s worth, it is perfectly okay to be upset that a lion was illegally hunted—provided you take the time in the next 24 hours to look up where Zimbabwe is on the map. (Just like you did when all those girls were kidnapped in Nigeria.)

4. Bible-Thumping to Get Bible Thumpers to Stop Bible-Thumping, over at Christianity Today: What Having Millions of Followers Taught Me About Christian Dialogue”

I got really excited when I spotted this article—and not just because it was written by former Full House star, Candace Cameron Bure, a born spiritual leader if ever there was! The article subtitle reads: “Let’s stop attacking each other with Bible verses.”

Amen, sister! Yes!

And how does the divinely-inspired actress and producer Bure make her case? Well, of course, by launching Bible verses at her readers.

“Last Judgment” facepalm!

You see, Ms. Bure, the idea of “the Bible verse” is a relatively recent construct—created by a 16th-century royal typographer named Robert Estienne. Whether your intentions are to exhort or encourage, it’s rather senseless to throw a sentence at someone out of context. No matter how much we want it to be, the Bible isn’t a Hogwarts book of incantations.


Or as I said in my article, “Jesus Wept, Einstein’s Regret & How a Frenchman Fueled the Hermeneutics Wars”:

I am convinced that habitually placing decontextualized Bible verses onto PowerPoint trebuchets and launching them onto social media sites, or anything resembling such, is spiritual irresponsibility.

If you truly feel compelled to point biblical text at your fellow human being, take the time to frame it contextually and present it respectfully.

If you don’t believe me, just go read Proverbs 5:19.

3. Passing the Cra-Cra Mantle to Junior, a la Charisma News: “How Do I Raise My Prophetic Child Correctly?”

Reasonable Packers and Badgers fans, rejoice! Once upon a time, our great go-to resource for superlative wackiness in the Christian Right Media was the Wisconsin Christian News. But no longer. Charisma News, your daily dose of “credible news from a charismatic {snake-handling} perspective,” now far surpasses anything WCN could throw at the world.

Want to know why your kids are having crazy prophetic dreams?!  Hey, you moronic parents, it’s because you’re constantly filling their minds with images of eternal lava lakes and Whores of Babylon and all the other apocalyptic, eschatological, Left Behind garbage that pervades fundie Christian subculture and which causes your kids to toss and turn at night and wet their beds in fear!!

Sorry, but that’s definitely a double-exclamation point sore spot for me. Oh, and here’s another parenting maxim from the Great Whore of Parenting:

Dr. James Dobson speaks great wisdom when He says, “I firmly believe in acquainting children with God’s judgement and wrath while they are young….”

Progressives, if this isn’t enough inspiration to get to the polls, I don’t know what is.

2. Only Drink Christian Milk from a Christian Cow Sold at Christ-Mart, via Wisconsin Christian News: “AFA Announces Annual ‘Naughty or Nice’ List”

Ho-Ho-Ho! Only 144 shopping days til Xmas!

Speaking of Wisconsin Christian News, here’s some older holiday news from WCN’s (and I’m not making this up) “Special Stuff” section.

Seems I’m a tad behind on last year’s scroll of naughty capitalistic ventures—you know, the ones that “do not recognize” Christmas, according to the American Family Association. Wait, what the hell does “does not recognize Christmas” mean?

Company may use “Christmas” sparingly in a single or unique product description, but as a company, does not recognize it.

Um, so you mean Midas Mufflers and Terminix somehow needs to shoe-horn the birth of Baby Jesus into their ad campaigns? You know, even though we haven’t entered Halloween Candy Season yet, this has to be the most singularly cerebrally painful thing I’ve seen since clicking on the Kirk Cameron IMDB link.

Yeah, um, so take AFA’s advice and avoid Victoria’s Secret. Buy your bras from Kmart.  Whatevs.

1. Mission Impossible: Create Culture to the Glory of God & Maverick, according to Christianity Today: “Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation”

Nothing gives me a chuckle quite so much as a periodical that publishes reviews of Tom Cruise offal action flicks while operating under the mission (impossible) statement:

Equipping Christians to renew their minds, serve the church, and create culture to the glory of God.

By the way, did you know you can donate to Christianity Today? Please consider becoming a Sustaining Partner! The sequels to Top Gun and Jack Reacher will be here before you know it!

That’s a wrap!

Please open your hymnals to No. l888.

Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum,
bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum

Pastor Pillow now makes national radio guest appearances on The Horn: The Head On Radio Network.  Click to hear Pastor Pillow’s May 27 and June 10 tent revival segments with Brother Bob Kincaid.  Pastor Pillow’s next Prayer Meetin’ Wednesday is August 5 at 6 p.m. ET. Mark your calendars and tune in!

Also, Human Beings Everywhere:  FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE! And beware Christian Fundamentalism.



Arik Bjorn

Arik Bjorn lives in Columbia, South Carolina. He was the Democratic Party / Green Party fusion candidate for U.S. Congress in the 2nd Congressional District of South Carolina. Visit the archive for Arik’s campaign website, and check out his latest book, So I Ran for Congress. You can also follow his political activities on Twitter @Bjorn2RunSC and on Facebook. And be sure to check out more from Arik in his archives!

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  • Cemetery Girl

    Thank you for pointing out that someone can be disgusted or outraged by more than one thing happening in the world at one time. It is possible to be disgusted by poaching and other world issues.
    And I am so sick of all the pro-life people complaining that people are upset by a lion being illegally killed but aren’t upset about abortion. It is really inspiring to read complaints that people are upset over a lion “that does nothing to contribute to the world” being killed when “babies that could have grown up to cure cancer are killed.” Nothing demonstrates the pro-life sentiment that “life is life, period” like complaining that people care if endangered animals are killed.