Sorry, I don’t mean to disturb you—oh my, you’re not wearing any clothes. Nor are you. The whole lot of you, in fact.
Goodness, that’s a load of tattoos. I can’t tell, that concentration of ink on your left thigh, is that Tamil or a pod of sperm whales practicing Krav Maga? Oh, my Lord, that’s an even bigger—
Um, sorry if I appear frazzled. I was in the elevator just now, and this man named Ray seemed to be having difficulty with his narcoleptic girlfriend. Twas a ball of confusion, truly. You see, I’m looking for the University of Phoenix Stadium Prayer Chapel. You wouldn’t happen to know—
This is the prayer chapel? Oh, I see. Yes, it’s hard to make out the altar for all the naked men in-between. Although I do see a man in a hooded sweatshirt over there. Good thing he’s an old white man, or I might have taken him for a ne’er-do-weller—not that I think any of you strapping young, hard-as-rock black men are up to anything untoward.
As you may be aware, your Commissioner, who is, I might add, a full-fledged Platinum member of Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries, asked me to address both teams with a traditional, ecumenical pre-Super Bowl prayer service.
Thank the Lord there’s no such thing as an atheist Islamic nose tackle! What’s that? Nose guard? How ever do they come up with these position names? Thank God true Christians only have to be worried about the missionary position.
Anyway, if you could all just join hands and form a prolate spheroid around the room—or what I like to call a Pigskin Circle. Ha-ha!
Please bow your heads with me—and no peeking, since, for goodness sake, most of you aren’t wearing any clothes. Don’t want any gay thoughts popping up this close to the big game.
Also, haven’t you read what happened to Noah’s son Ham when he beheld his father’s nakedness?! What’s become of football players nowadays—it’s all some kind of Turkish bathhouse exercise! Anyway, let us pray…
Our Father Who Art Monk in Heaven,
Hallowed be Thy Name—though occasionally deflated be thy Game Ball.
Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread—and have mercy upon us, Lord, for all the idiotic Doritos commercials unto which we are about to be exposed.
And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us—and please especially forgive the trespasses of those gridiron stars whom we really need back in our fantasy football starting lineups.
Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. And right there, let me pause for a moment. Now, there’s your normal everyday evil, like choosing New York-style pizza over Chicago deep dish. Then there’s real evil: like that Satanic witch who’s about to take the stage during halftime and encourage all of your daughters to make out with one another—which might be perfectly legal in a common law democracy but wouldn’t get very far in Calvin’s Geneva.
Hey you, quarterback. Yeah, you with the rolling eyes and the Brazilian runway wife! I don’t know what kind of Osculum infame lesbianism they’re accustomed to in Mardi Gras South America, but here north of the equator we keep our lips clear of same-sex cherry ChapStick.
By the way, this is probably a perfect moment to take a two-minute time out and encourage y’all to buy stock in my new company, Pastor Pillow Pneumatical Pomade. Just last week, following a prodigious Fourth Offering, we acquired the rights to the Oribe Gold Pomade brand. In all seriousness, just look at this headshot of former Super Bowl-winning coach and Fox football broadcaster, Jimmy Johnson. He’s a Pastor Pillow Pomader, as well as a full-fledged CZM member—and the star of our 30-second Super Bowl XLIX spot. Plus, we have cute Dalmatian puppies!
PASTOR PILLOW POMADE! MAKES YOUR HAIR PARACLETE PERFECT!
Now where was I? Oh yes. But deliver us from evil. For Thine is the Kingdom and the Power and the Glory. Forever and ever. Amen.
Now where is that Mr. Wilson? I wanted to let him know that in the middle of the night, the Spirit of the Lord came upon me and filled me with the knowledge that he is being set up for yet another comeback victory against those haughty New England Deflatriots.
Also, is that Coach Carroll? He owes me back tithes from several years ago when he was with the Trojans…Hey, Pete!
Please open your hymnals to No. 796.
So you wanna play with magic
Boy, you should know what you’re falling for
Behold, the Christian Right Weekly Round-Up!
5. Even Christian Right Media Believes in the Power of the Mammary Gland, via Christian Post: “Katy Perry’s Father Says He’s ‘Always Proud’ of Daughter Despite Once Calling Her ‘Devil’s Child’”
Hi, I’m the editor-in-chief of the Christian Post. I have to promote articles. I know a good [email protected]@b—or two—when I see them.
Boom, boom, boom
For the first time ever, a Super Bowl halftime show includes a performance by a Pastor’s Kid (or P.K. as we say in the God Bidnez) of not one but two pastors! And that bodes well for fundie Christian publications everywhere, because:
We want to shun, we want to hate
Yet we want a taste of décolletage
Seriously, have you noticed how many of these anti-Perry articles show a picture of the pretty, busty singer? Well, um… I mean… How else are we gonna…
Oh, for God’s sake, just quote the pop star’s momma pastor:
“Satan’s assault on our youth is relentless, and they can’t fight against it alone,” Mary Hudson, Perry’s mother, wrote in Charisma magazine.
Lord. Then there’s Minnesota right-wing talk show host Paul Ridgeway and fellow radio talking head Jan Markell. Seriously now, they’re just genuinely concerned “how the occult and paranormal are saturating the culture and the Church.”
Wouldn’t it be grand one of these years if the National Football League did us all a favor and just put someone on the halftime stage who doesn’t even have boy’s and girl’s parts? Maybe next year Alf will sing a few ditties so we can all stop worrying about the demonic takeover of our nation.
4. Read the Study for Yourself: Americans Are Ignorant, over at Public Religion Research Institute: “Survey | Ahead of Super Bowl, Nearly Three-in-Ten Americans Support Lifetime Ban for Football Players Who Commit Domestic Violence”
The Public Religion Research Institute seems legitimate. It is a member of the American Association for Public Opinion Research (AAPOR), the American Political Science Association (APSA), and the American Academy of Religion (AAR). Until someone speaks up and tells me otherwise, I’m going to take its recent January 2015 survey about the average American sports fan seriously. And that survey reveals the following (which we should have known anyway, because Zubaz):
“About 1-in-4 (26%) Americans and 27% of self-described sports fans say that God plays a role in determining which team wins a sporting event. About 7-in-10 Americans (71%) and sports fans (69%) disagree.”
My Fellow One-Quarter Americans, you have no idea how much relief you just brought to Tom Brady and Russell Wilson.
As an aside, 1 in 5 Americans are opposed to “a professional sports team signing a gay or lesbian athlete.” Nearly 20% of individuals in our nation—individuals who, sadly, are vested with the authority to vote—are less intelligent than an aspidistra.
3. Packers QB and Theologian Aaron Rodgers Gets It, so says Christianity Today: “Blessed are the Super Bowl Stars?”
Listen, God might not be playing Vegas bookie during the Super Bowl matchup between the New England Patriots and the Seattle Seahawks, but God most definitely “rewards faithful athletes with good health and success.”
Case in point the retired Minnesota Vikings defensive star who I knew as a child, a longtime holder of one major NFL record, who in his 50s had to use a walker to move about even inside his home. A God-fearing man who…um…well, nevermind.
Would you like to know who’s my all-time favorite pigskin theologian?
I’ll give you a hint. It’s not Tim Tebow, who once went on record as stating that his “God-given athletic ability” was enough for him to “do the job as a quarterback in the NFL.”
Nope, my favorite metaphysical thinker in the NFL is Aaron Rodgers, quarterback of the Green Bay Packers, which lost its bid for a Super Bowl appearance in the recent NFC Championship Game:
“I don’t think God cares a whole lot about the outcome. He cares about the people involved, but I don’t think he’s a big football fan.”
As opposed to the idiotic remarks by Seattle Seahawks QB Russell Wilson, who thinks God set up the dramatic comeback of his team against the Packers to propel the Seahawks to the Super Bowl.
Then again, I guess God technically did “set up” the victory, considering the Big Bang and all. But I somehow don’t think the Telos of the Universe is the conclusion of SB XLIX.
BTW: Quarterback does not equal Civilization Visionary.
2. That Katy Perry, Shemittah Be Good, Shemittah Be Bad, via Charisma News: “A Shemittah Year Mandate: Throw Jezebel Down!”
I’ve read the Bible cover to cover a number of times, formally studied the Good Book in more than one credible institution of higher education, and even grew up in a charismatic Evangelical church—yet still I have no blasted idea what this article is about:
“In this Shemittah year, it is crucial that a bold, uncompromising order of messengers begin to emerge in the spirit of Elisha to preach repentance and an inspirational kingdom gospel that will catalyze a remnant.”
The author of this drivel is Rob Winters. He lives in Glendale, Arizona. Presumably he is a citizen of the United States of America and is allowed to vote for elected leaders in our nation.
I’m guessing he went to the polls on November 4, 2014, and helped elect the Republicans to a majority in the 114th U.S. Congress.
What were you doing that day?
1. Hardees Hard-on Hamburgers, at Charisma News: “Carl’s Jr. Super Bowl Ad Uses Naked Woman to Sell Hamburgers”
Holy crap! If it’s not bad enough that Katy Perry, the halftime entertainment during Super Bowl XLIX, has a delicious body and large breasts, so does everyone else ever featured in a Hardee’s ad.
But, as we indicated above: Hi, I’m the editor-in-chief of Charisma News. I have to promote articles. I know a good [email protected]@b—or two—when I see them.
And homeschooled, 14-year-old Christians everywhere aren’t complaining. I mean, after all, they get to see a photo of sexy Kate Upton in this article, whose author is shocked—UDDERLY SHOCKED—that a company would use “sex to sell fries.”
By the way, don’t be offended that Hardee’s uses sex to sell—be offended that anyone would spend money on its garbage fast food. I would much rather my child see a picture of a naked human being than ingest fast food offal. You know, the body being a temple of the Holy Spirit and all.
That’s a wrap!
Please open your hymnals to No. 526.
Do you know that there’s still a chance for you
’Cause there’s a spark in you?
Progressives, the November Elections are—damn, you missed it. It’s too late. While we Progressives sat around drinking craft beer, more than one-third of our fellow fundamentalist countrymen rushed to the polls and elected the most idiotic group of human beings ever yet to rule a superpower.
But don’t worry. We’ll get another shot to right the Good Ship Civilization on Tuesday, November 8, 2016. Hopefully our Little Blue Planet will still be alive and kicking by then. And hopefully we can all get off our Balaam’s asses this time and find a voting booth.
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