Thanks for swingin’ by the office on such short notice—if you know what I mean.
Mrs. Pillow is otherwise engaged this evening hosting an Amway-Tupperware-Avon Mega-Party. She thinks I’m working late at Cubic Zirconium Cathedral, hunting-and-pecking away on my Sunday morning sermon. And you could say that I am conducting research, actually.
It would appear it’s time yet again to deliver a fire and brimstone message on adultery. Besides, we need to pump up some serious revenue in order to get Pillow Films off the ground and turn those Superbook franchise rights into cinematic cash! Not too long ago, I was carried away in the Spirit and had a vision of that Duggar kid and Danica Dillon as Chris and Joy, and Paul Giamatti as Gizmo.
Ahem. Anyway, seems like good Christian men and women are having some real problems keeping it in their tunics these days. Frankly, I blame the SCOTUS same-sex marriage ruling—that and the demon Lust! But there’s nothing like a good old-fashioned “For Christ and Chastity Belts!” sermon to convince the guilty to fork over a little extra tithe.
As for you, my sweet Jezebelean delectatus, we’re way beyond banal layperson fornication. Like Jesus said, if you look at a woman lustfully, you’ve already committed adultery in your heart. And the second I laid eyes on your Ashley Madison account, it was as if the deed had already been done. (And, well, it kind of was.) So what’s the harm now? To the steeple we come!
Besides, I’m feeling awfully Calvinistic these days. Free will, schmee will. God wants this, my busty Babylonian babe. “Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb; milk and honey are under your tongue. The fragrance of your garments is like the fragrance of Lebanon.”
What’s that? Oh, just a little Song of Songs erotic poetry—although I have a feeling the scent of Beirut is a little different now than it was in the days of Solomon.
And I see you’ve brought your own lipstick red leather Bible. I wonder if it has a Rahab red cord bookmark. It does? Well now, you and I are going to have loads of fun. See, we were destined to do the Ezekiel 23 nasty.
On the altar? Probably not a good idea, what with the youth group worship band in the middle of rehearsing. But once they’re gone, we can get the baptismal Jacuzzi jets fired up and crack open a few bottles of sparking Cold Duck. Then it’s just you, me and the angelic hosts. Hosanna!
Trust me. No one will ever find out. The Internet is as secure as the fortifications of Jericho.
Please open your hymnals to No. 1964.
It was good what we did yesterday.
And I’d do it once again.
The fact that you are married,
Only proves, you’re my best friend.
But it’s truly, truly a sin.
Behold, the Christian Right Weekly Round-Up!
5. When a Nation of Ministers Gets Caught Flocking Around, over at Charisma News: “My Pastor is on the Ashley Madison List”
The Christian Right Media loves a good sex scandal. Just ask adult film star rustler Josh Duggar—only, make sure you ask him roughly. As I wrote in my Patheos article, “Mark Driscoll and the Amazing Technicolor Evangelical Funhouse Mirror Sexual Worldview (Swedish Batteries Not Included)”:
Every once in a while, the repressed sexual tension gets to be too much. When an opportunity arises, the floodgates burst open—whereupon everyone is permitted a Tourette-like release of naughty words, for a time.
As such, we appear to be in a fundie sexual release wet season. And the Ashley Madison Data Hack is veritable clickbait manna for websites like Christianity Today and Charisma News. Just ask LifeWay Research executive director, Ed Stetzer, who has penned the following AM-related articles in the last week alone: “Life Is Eternal. Don’t Have an Affair,” “‘I’m on the Ashley Madison List. Now What?,” “My Pastor Is on the Ashley Madison List,” and “My Husband Is on the Ashley Madison List. What Now?” Goodness gracious, we haven’t seen this much wall-to-wall/ball-to-ball coverage since Jimmy Swaggart confessed.
So what should a man of the cloth do if he was idiotic enough to join an online adultery service and now finds himself with his virtual cassock down around his ankles? Confess left, confess right, confess up, confess down, confess all-around, says Stetzer: “The same power that raised Jesus from the dead can lift you.” And perhaps spend less effort lifting “other things.”
Now if only the Christian Right Media devoted this much column space to goading Christendom into caring for the poor and helpless.
4. Stay in the Closet and Gird Thy ‘Last Days’ Loins!, via Christian Broadcasting Network: “Christian Leaders: ‘War Room’ Could Change a Nation”
The only thing truly tragic about the new “Last Days Battles for the Lord” film, War Room, is that it wasn’t directed by Michael Bay. Man, I would have loved to see Optimus Prime swoop in and slap around some Principalities and Powers of Darkness in the trailer.
I’m not knocking prayer. Heck, I pray and spend a lot of time thinking about what prayer means. What bothers me is this notion of “spiritual warfare” and my fellow Americans on bended knee in some closet trying to psychically will conservative domestic and foreign policy into existence.
Army, warriors, battle, fight. These apparently are the correct terms to scream in one’s prayer closet. (I wonder just how many Department of Defense product placements are in the film.) Anyway, just wondering if it might be possible to squeeze in terms like love and peace in the sequel.
3. Proselytizing to Presidential Hopefuls, a la Christian Post: “An Open Letter to Donald Trump”
Christian talk show host Dr. Michael Brown wants us to know he’s spoken to crowds of nearly 300,000 people. That supposedly should get Donald Trump’s attention. Dr. Brown is also the author of a number of bigotry-themed books—to be honest, that’s more likely to get Trump’s attention. And if Dr. Brown really wants Trump’s attention, he might consider penning as his next title, Walling out the Mexicans from the Prayer Closet.
I know I shouldn’t be blown away (that’s not an Ashley Madison confession) when an ultraconservative Christian believes it’s perfectly appropriate to compel a presidential candidate to ask God “for forgiveness through the cross.” But I am. And I can’t even imagine how shocked the Founding Fathers would be.
Moreover, can you imagine the reaction from the Christian Right if a Muslim or Hindu issued a public open letter to Donald Trump calling for him to humble himself before Allah or Vishnu?
2. What Have They Been Putting in the Cheese Lately?, via Wisconsin Christian News: “The Last Days of the US Constitution”
This is Julaine Appling, President of Wisconsin Family Action. She has been keeping a secret from us all. Julaine apparently has known for some time that “we’re living in the last days of the U.S. Constitution,” but she’s kept this fact all to herself.
Thanks, Julaine. Now look where we are: possibly on the verge of electing a democratic socialist as a major Presidential candidate. We even find ourselves a step closer to a single-payer healthcare system thanks to that Antichrist Obama. And we have only you to blame!
I agree with you: if only we could return to the morally superior days of the Founding Fathers. Man, once the “Holy Spirit-inspired revival” sweeps across the fruited plains, we’re going straight back to the golden days when women couldn’t vote or own property (or write idiotic blogs) and when a Caucasian man could work any ol’ Native American or African to death.
I can’t even.
1. Enjoy God’s Creation Timeout, according to BBC’s Blue Planet: “Sand Bubbler Crabs Making Sediment Balls on an Australian Beach”
Please don’t make me read another idiotic post by anyone in the Christian Right Media. Instead, permit me to present to you…the sand bubbler crab!
Nice. Sand balls on the beach. Now if only there was such a simple way to filter out fundamentalist foolishness.
That’s a wrap!
Please open your hymnals to No. 69.
But the butler the baker, the laughing cavalier
Will tell me now, who’s been sleeping here
I want to know
Tell me baby, who’s been sleeping here
Pastor Pillow now makes national radio guest appearances on The Horn: The Head On Radio Network. Click to hear Pastor Pillow’s May 27 and June 10 tent revival segments with Brother Bob Kincaid. Pastor Pillow’s next Prayer Meetin’ Wednesday is September 2 at 6 p.m. ET. Mark your calendars and tune in!
Latest posts by Arik Bjorn (see all)
- Puerto Rican Paper Towels to Buchenwald Bread Crumbs: #RESIST, While You Still Have Time - October 6, 2017
- “So I Ran for Congress”: Sneak Preview Redux - August 22, 2017
- “So I Ran for Congress”: A Sneak Preview - August 4, 2017