That’s how the Christian Right Weekly Round-Up usually starts. Except, I’m actually the creator of the Chief Pastoral Officer of Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries.
Where’s Pastor Pillow? Doubtless he’s off ministering to the unarmed pagan French and spreading the NRA Prosperity Gospel: “Behold, I stand at the door with a Glock!” He’s also busy raising a few hundred thousand dollars for the next big attraction upon the CZC Ministries Disney-like grounds: perhaps a Charismatic Koinonia Corkscrew or a Noah’s Ark Petting Zoo & Brazilian Steak House.
When I realized I was on the verge of penning my 100th Pastor Pillow episode, I spent some time gathering my favorite CRWRU moments. (See the list below.) I started CRWRU back in August 2013 following the publication of an article about the origins of U.S. Christian fundamentalism. As I described in another piece, “Pastor Pillow Lives Inside Me”:
I made a bet with myself that, any given week and with just a little research, I could find five articles in the Christian Right Media that would prompt Sistine Chapel-level facepalms and serve as obvious reminders as to why progressives need to show up at the polls in droves … lest the country descend into an outright theocratic plutocracy.
After the reaction to the Paris Attacks by the usual Christian Right Media suspects, such as Charisma News and Christian Broadcasting Network (Pat Robertson’s rag), it looks like I may never lose that bet. In fact, I’m glad this week’s CRWRU is mainly retrospective; I don’t have the satirical stomach to engage ultraconservative Christians directly. The idiotic right-wing calls for the French to arm themselves to the teeth, accompanied by divine retribution finger-pointing for France’s secular, Marianne ways, are just too much whilst the Seine runs red.
Pastor Pillow’s spiritual shenanigans have been read in every country on our Little Blue Planet except Cuba, Turkmenistan, Niger, Chad, and North Korea. You have no idea how much joy it brings me to imagine a grandmother in a Maldives internet café or a plumber in Zambia stumbling upon Pastor Pillow and thanking their lucky stars that they’re thousands of miles away from the nearest megachurch. That said, if you happen to know anyone in Ashgabat or a North Korean leader on the verge of being purged who can afford to risk checking out a Forward Progressives article, feel free to send them this link.
Below are my favorite ten Pastor Pillow articles. Rejoice and be glad! Pass the palladium-plated offering plate. And please open your hymnals to No. 1113:
And when you speak, angels sing from above
Everyday words seem to turn into love songs
10. Pastor Pillow & the Amazing Technicolor Pyramid Grain Silo Animatronic Wonder House (November 8, 2015)
Last week’s CRWRU was one of the funniest to-date—I couldn’t help thinking that even Pastor Pillow wouldn’t go along with the historical brainlessness of Brother Dr. Ben Carson. Also, as irony would have it, not three days later, Candidate Carson was bloviating before a packed house at Liberty University.
I still have a clear image in my head of the Central American Children’s Crusade coming over the hill of the 17th green at the Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries Country Club and eating John Elway and Karl Malone, whilst Pastor Pillow watches in horror in the distance from his Hammacher Schlemmer Golf Craft Hovercraft, which was recently purchased following a particularly prosperous Sunday third offering.
8. Pastor Pillow’s Lovesac Letter from Ferguson Jail (August 24, 2014)
Pastor Pillow honestly considers himself an agent of divine righteousness—equivalent to the likes of Martin Luther King Jr. and Martin Luther, as well as Martin Freeman and Luther Vandross. Also, I had the opportunity to type “Lovesac” quite a few times.
7. Pastor Pillow Faces Stiff Competition from Glory Holy Ministries (June 15, 2014)
Back then, Pastor Pillow was constantly plotting against Brother Bear, the humble minister down the street who runs Glory Holy Ministries. If you think that’s bad, how about the guy who runs The Glory Hole Church Center?
This CRWRU also features videos by KMFDM and OutKast. I spend a lot of time deciding what “hymns” to drop into each article. There’s usually a perfect lyric line out there just waiting to be applied to the moment.
6. Leo Tolstoy & the R-Rated Wild, Wild West (January 26, 2014)
Read how Leo Tolstoy was a major influence on Martin Luther King Jr. via Gandhi. Whoa. Plus there’s this wonderful quote by Tolstoy in his essay, “On Anarchy”:
And yet in our world everybody think of changing humanity, and nobody thinks of changing himself.
5. 2014, Civilization in the Balance (January 4, 2014)
A long detour through Cincinnati on a drive with my daughter from Chicago to South Carolina during the Polar Vortex led me to the theme of “Civilization in the Balance”—which has been the prevailing theme of all my writing the past two years.
4. Ken “Hamming” It Up Ezekiel Pimp Style (May 4, 2014)
Every once in a while, a certain global Internet company objects to my [CENSORED] language and blockades an instance of the CRWRU. Thus, I’ve learned to [CENSORED] them creatively. But back on this particular Sunday, I wanted readers to know exactly what I wanted to say—and I figured they were smart enough to [CENSORED] figure it out.
Plus, I think this was the first time I ever mentioned the Jacob’s Ladder Baptismal Font & Log Flume Splash Park.
3. What Would Jesus Do with Purity Balls? (May 25, 2014)
Nope. There’s still no way I can type that term without falling out of my chair with holy laughter.
This remains the most-read of all the Pastor Pillow pieces. Many of the absurd events that surrounded the furling of the South Carolina Confederate Flag in Summer 2015 seemed straight out of Pastor Pillow’s twisted worldview. Plus, I proudly took the photo of the two blonde women sporting a largemouth bass Confederate Flag next to the George Washington statue at the South Carolina State House.
1. Floating Fundies Flee Atheists in Collars (August 18, 2013)
I still can’t believe that the would-be Mosquito-Coast-Noah’s-Ark Gastonguay family of Arizona actually boarded a small vessel and cast off for Kiribati, a small underdeveloped island nation in the Pacific that soon will be completely underwater thanks to global warming—all in order to escape the “state-controlled church” in the United States. Alas, the Whore of Babylon—I mean, the U.S. State Department eventually bailed out the Gastonguays and flew them home from Chile after their storm-damaged boat was rescued by Venezuelan fishermen.
It’s not a Pastor Pillow column; instead, it’s a short story about God waking up from a nap and teaching the people of Earth a thing or two at the expense of the Hoosier State.
That’s a wrap!
And don’t forget! Pastor Pillow now makes national radio guest appearances on The Horn: The Head On Radio Network. Click to hear Pastor Pillow’s October 14 and November 11 tent revival segments with Brother Bob Kincaid. Pastor Pillow’s next Prayer Meetin’ Wednesday is December 9 at 6 p.m. ET. Mark your calendars and tune in!
See you in another 100 columns! Also: Follow The Golden Rule.
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