Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Prays Pompously at the Fifty-Yard Line

unnamedHello, I’m Pastor Pillow!

So glad you could join us at the 50-yard line after tonight’s game. You strike me as a bit too lean and butterfingers to be a wide out; I’m guessing you’re a cornerback? Aha! Pastor Pillow knows his pigskin. After all, I was a swarthy tight end in the day.

Don’t forget to remove your mouth guard; otherwise, your amen affirmations won’t make it all the way to the Heavenly Throne Room. Now get down on your padded knees and join me in a ACLU-defying prayer to the Trinity in celebration of the Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries High School Hallelujahs triumphal, Jericho-walls crushing victory over the Metro East Asherah Poles.

O, Great and Powerful Creator of the United States of America and its Manifest Destiny Subjects of Planet Earth, we praise and beseech thee! May all military drones and shotgun formations find their targets.

First and foremost, O Lord of Hosts, we note the absence of Jan and Tyrell. We doubt it would surprise You, Almighty, that two such namby-pamby athletes, being the placekicker and second string quarterback, would ditch team prayers. Heck, they’re probably in the shower studying the Sodom & Gomorrah playbook. O, cleanse the chalkboards of our souls! And help us to forget the fact that the entire left side of our offensive line—emphasis on offensive—are devotees to that Prophet Muhammed and thus are also supplication AWOL. May we ever sweep right in repentance.

We come before you, Jehovah Prosperity, the God who shall provide funds so that the CZC worship band can do its short-term mission trip to Disneyland Paris in Summer 2016, and who shall guide the palladium-plated offering plates next Sunday so that I can finally nab that 19th-century Gothic Revival oak pulpit—such lovely scrollwork. Truly, it will make the perfect preaching pedestal for our Chalcedony Chapel at Camp Chippewa Charisma in U.P. Michigan.

Now where were we? Ah yes, pigskin—we thank you, Lord, for leading our Xs and Os, for guiding us through all manner of nickel and dime defenses—as well as the Beelzebub-tainted socioeconomic theories of that New England Clam Chowder Jew Senator who seeks to whitewash the Beltway—nay, even the White House—with the rainbow fruit flavors of diversity and income redistribution. May you Red-Dog blitz every progressive from here to Kingdom Come. Even better, make their end like unto the eternal damnation of the USFL.

Hey, team, I appreciate your zeal, but I really don’t think it’s appropriate to institute the Wave during postgame prayers. Cheerleaders, please put away your pom-poms. It’s hard enough getting the special teams players to focus. Squad, I’m losing you! Hold it together. Sheesh, now the fullback is munching on a spicy Italian foot-long. Lord, bless the meat.

Well, God, better wrap it up. Team focus is down to Joel Osteen in a cash wind tunnel.

Anyway, Jesus, we’re really going to need your help, because next week is St. Luigi Scrosoppi High. We haven’t beat the Holy Roman Inquisition in almost a decade. And I suppose they’re still fired up from Francispalooza. Sheesh, it’s gonna take a Hail Mary miracle.

Please open your hymnals to No. 50.

Hey hey this is rock ’n Pillow, ready to get the autumn started,
We cooked the pig in the ground, got some Cold Duck on ice,
All my fundie friends are prayin’ pompously tonight.

Every day, the Christian Right Media makes a financial killing reporting news with an outlandish slant to millions of Christian fundamentalists across the Fruited Plain. According to Forbes, the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) alone brings in nearly $300 million in annual revenue. Yet CBN is a mere bright star in a galaxy of hundreds of Christian Right Media organizations that put even Fox News to shame.

Here are five articles from the Christian Right Media over the past week that remind progressives of the critical need to show up at the polls on Tuesday, November 8, 2016, if ever we are to right the Good Ship Civilization:

5. “Mormon-Owned Marriott Continues Push for Homosexuality” over at Charisma News

Articles like this make me realize that charismatic Christians were clickbait before clickbait was cool.

Just remember one thing: God loves a good RAINBOW.

4. “Don’t Laugh, but I Think Theology Should Be Funny” a la Christianity Today

Stanley Hauerwas says it, he gets the glossy pages of Christianity Today and a phat book deal with Eerdmans. I say it, and some lady in Dubuque gives me a social media thumbs up. Oh well, life as a Broadway Danny Rose minor prophet.

Here’s my April 2014 article in Patheos on the same subject: “A Divine Comedy, of sorts: On Banana Peel Theology.”

3. “Five Faith-Based Quotes from Current NFL Quarterbacks” over at Sports Spectrum

The MLB playoffs are in full swing. College football and the NFL are bruising gridirons. Hockey and basketball are cranking into gear. It’s definitely that time of the year: when the Christian Right media tosses salvos of professional and collegiate athlete theological musings upon us.

Yet I remain unmoved in my position on all things religio-athlete: Until one sports baller thanks God for his or her team losing a critical game or match, I don’t ever care to listen to a single “faith-based quote” from any quarterback, shortstop, up-and-coming MMAer, goalie, heavyweight boxer, nose guard or middle reliever.

2. “High School Coach Says He Will Pray After the Game in Compliance With the Law” via Liberty Institute

It’s an interesting First Amendment/Separation of Church & State situation: High school football coach wants to pray at the 50-yard line on Friday nights once he “clocks out” as a school district employee. Most of his players join him—apparently without being coerced. The district orders him to stop. The coach seeks protection from a Christian Right legal institute.

But my open statement to Coach Kennedy is theological, not juris-political, in nature: Ever read this little saying of Jesus in the Gospel of Matthew?:

And whenever you pray, do not be like the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, so that they may be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward. But whenever you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you.

I pray every day myself. But just wondering if you want to stop calling so much public supplication attention to yourself, because, you know: Jesus said so.

1. “Justin Bieber’s New Album ‘Purpose’ Banned in the Middle East Because It ‘Promotes Christianity’” at Gospel Herald

I think we may finally have found the non-military option for defeating ISIS. Load a couple of C-5 Galaxy workhorses with Believe and Under the Mistletoe CDs and airdrop those puppies all over the Levant.

That’s a wrap!

Pastor Pillow now makes national radio guest appearances on The Horn: The Head On Radio Network.  Click to hear Pastor Pillow’s September 2 and October 14 tent revival segments with Brother Bob Kincaid.  Pastor Pillow’s next Prayer Meetin’ Wednesday is October 28 at 6 p.m. ET. Mark your calendars and tune in!

Also, Human Beings Everywhere:  Follow The Golden Rule.

Arik Bjorn

Arik Bjorn lives in Columbia, South Carolina. He was the Democratic Party / Green Party fusion candidate for U.S. Congress in the 2nd Congressional District of South Carolina. Visit the archive for Arik’s campaign website, and check out his latest book, So I Ran for Congress. You can also follow his political activities on Twitter @Bjorn2RunSC and on Facebook. And be sure to check out more from Arik in his archives!


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