Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Prepares a Mass Shooting Prayer

Hello, I’m Pastor Pillow!

Thank you for responding to the Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries parishioner focus group robo-call. In fact, just for coming down to the megachurch grounds today, I’m prepared to discount this month’s tithe percentage for you and your family from 10% to 9.975%. And with every significant contribution you make today to promote the glorious Kingdom of Ammo Christ on Earth, we’ll knock down your required commitment a full percentage point.

I hope you brought your editorial hardhat—as well as your Kevlar vest. If San Bernardino, Colorado Springs, Oregon, Charleston—well, you get the picture—if these supplication-worthy tragedies have taught us anything, it’s that it’s only a matter of time before some radicalized Satan worshiper in a turban shows up in the Koinonia Fellowship Hall right before Sunday morning service and takes out a significant chunk of the entire caffeinating congregation.


Good Lord, can you imagine some heathen mowing down our Franke Evolution 1 Step Super-Automatic Espresso Machine with a flippant bullet spray? It’s almost enough to ask the Founding Fathers to infringe just a wee bit upon ye ole Second Amendment.

Of course, there’s very little, if anything, you can do to protect yourself from such madmen—and let us not forget madwomen! Seriously, even without guns, these radicals would have their violent way with sporks or whatever other pieces of plastic cutlery they find lying about. Absolutely godless and bloodthirsty—as in the days of Noah!

The Holy Spirit has led me down a path of prayer form letter preparedness. That way, in the aftermath of some Mohammedan gunning down 20 or 30 members of my beloved flock, rather than wasting my time conveying the loss to oh-so-many parents, spouses, children, siblings, etc., I can fire off one single letter—thus securing more time to beseech the Lord our God upon my knees and wish unto these wayward, murderous pagans the divine retribution at the barrel of a gun of Christendom that is so rightfully theirs.

Thank you for your feedback on this letter draft:

Dear Loved One of Valued and Blessed, Recently Slaughtered Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Parishioner:

Times sure are spiritually tough. For starters, your loved one wasn’t properly well-armed to defend himself or herself from the slings and stones of Satan’s minions. Thankfully, God’s grace is sufficient—for you, that is, not so much for your loved one. While most of those bullets really left their mark, just know that your loved one isn’t likely to forget this lesson in Heaven.

Please, allow me to be the first to send my heartfelt prayers to you on behalf of your loved one(s). Also, I am pleased to offer you a generous discount on our CZC Ministries Platinum Funeral Package, which includes three year’s worth of cemetery floral arrangements.

Again, during these challenging days of mourning, let us lift our arms—both anatomical and armamental—and thank God for the Second Amendment wisdom of our Founding Fathers. So long as the Enemy is armed, so shall we be.

Sincerely,

Pastor Pillow

Please open your hymnals to No. 1159:

We’ve gotta hold on to what we’ve got,
It doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not,
We’ve got each other and that’s a lot,
For love we pray after shots.

Here are five articles from the Christian Right Media over the past week that remind progressives of the critical need to show up at the polls on Tuesday, November 8, 2016, if ever we are to right the Good Ship Civilization:

5.  “Why Americans Are Turning on Each Other After San Bernardino” via Charisma News

Waah! The Secular Liberal Media just won’t stop wailing on poor Candidate Cruz and Speaker Ryan, all be-humbled on their knees and donning prayer shawls for the victims of 350-plus U.S. mass shootings in 2015.


Want to hear the words of a real spiritual leader on prayer? Harken unto Pope Francis: “Prayer that doesn’t lead to concrete action toward our brothers is a fruitless and incomplete prayer.”

How do you like them prayer apples? Now let’s get off our damned knees and amend the Second Amendment—before Congress passes a bill to make Klingon the official language of the United States.

4.  “Pastors, Chaplains Surround San Bernardino With God’s Hope after Shooting Massacre Leaves California Community in Painful Distress” over at Gospel Herald

I can just see the billboard now:

IN PAINFUL DISTRESS?
FAMILY MASSACRED RECENTLY?
CALL PRAYER-BUSTERS!

If you’re a man or woman of the cloth and are currently seeking a mission, book a flight to DC. Storm the Beltway. Save this country from Founding Father Interpretitis.

3.  “Women in Combat: ‘Wrong Policy For America’” a la Christian Broadcasting Network

Tragically, the CRWRU finds itself aligned for the first (and only) time with the Family Research Council—albeit for very different reasons. Family Research Council Vice President, Lt. Gen. Jerry Boykin (U.S. Army-Ret.), says that the United States is wrong to allow women into any and all combat jobs:

“Some units, like infantry, Special Forces, SEALs and others, are not suitable for combining men and women.”

We agree. Because combat is not whatsoever suitable for Humanity. Period.

2. “79 Percent of Evangelicals See Violence in Middle East as Sign End Times Are Near” over at Christian Post

This headline is practically an Onion article. How about in response:

“100 Percent of Evangelicals Unaware That More People Die in U.S. from Gun Violence Each Year Than Total Combined Deaths of U.S. Soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan.”

Serious:

  • U.S. Gun Homicides in 2013: 11,208
  • Total Iraq/Afghanistan U.S. Military Deaths (2001-present): 6,717

1. “On ‘Thoughts and Prayers’ After the San Bernardino Shooting” at Christianity Today

Prayer and lament are the proper first responses to tragedy? Really? Okay, then what’s the proper first response to the 355th mass shooting tragedy of 2015?

Get your act together, Christianity. Mobilize that political leviathan and melt Smith & Wessons into plowshares.

That’s a wrap!

And don’t forget!  Pastor Pillow now makes national radio guest appearances on The Horn: The Head On Radio Network.  Click to hear Pastor Pillow’s October 14 and November 11 tent revival segments with Brother Bob Kincaid.  Pastor Pillow’s next Prayer Meetin’ Wednesday is December 9 at 6 p.m. ET. Mark your calendars and tune in!

Also, Human Beings Everywhere:  Follow The Golden Rule.

{Special thanks to the good folks at 94.7 FM Charlottesville for contributing ideas to this week’s Pastor Pillow.}



Arik Bjorn

Arik Bjorn lives in Columbia, South Carolina. He was the Democratic Party / Green Party fusion candidate for U.S. Congress in the 2nd Congressional District of South Carolina. Visit the archive for Arik’s campaign website, and check out his latest book, So I Ran for Congress. You can also follow his political activities on Twitter @Bjorn2RunSC and on Facebook. And be sure to check out more from Arik in his archives!

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