Yes, let’s try that again. I’m afraid I still haven’t mastered the real estate mogul handshake. The trick is getting the shakee to feel a bit of Gordon Gekko greed in your grip, while you simultaneously use your fingers to convey a sense of trigger-happy camaraderie.
Hello, I’m Pastor Pillow!
Better that time? Phew! Almost there.
I know, it’s not often I find myself the nervous Nelly. I am, after all, the Chief Pastoral Officer of the vast multibillion-dollar non-profit faith community empire we like to call Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries. How many churches do you know own Caribbean banking islands and buffalo herds larger than Vermont? All for the Prosperity Gospel glory of God, mind you.
Anyway, at this morning’s 10 o’clock service, none other than The Donald himself will be blessing us with his presidential-hopeful presence. He’s even agreed to read the end-of-service announcements. (I just hope he doesn’t tell the church softball coach he’s fired.) Bear in mind, normally someone like The Donald might be seeking an early primary endorsement from the likes of CZC Ministries, but in this case, we find ourselves on the possible receiving end of an endorsement.
For it appears that none other than the Great Bloviator himself is seeking a Christian sect with which to align himself. And we’re right up his theological policy alley. Why, you couldn’t find a pro-choice, rape-loving immigrant within a mile of one of our purple-padded pews. Also, His DTness believes in a pending market crash—well, so do we, thanks to a little book we like to call the Apocalypse of St. John, or Revelation. As to same-sex marriage, Trump thinks it’s an issue that belongs to the states, and we couldn’t believe more strongly that gay marriage indeed puts us all in a state of panic. Climate change is a hoax—check! And humbug on gun control while we’re at it—for as Jesus once said, “Behold I stand at the door with a Glock!”
Can you imagine the windfall if none other than The Trumpet of Truth were to declare himself a faithful member of the Cubic Zirconium Cathedral? I’m not even talking about possible future White House Prayer Podcast revenues—although I’ve never been one to spiritually shy away from a multimillion-dollar multimedia deal. But I’m talking about just the here and now. Real estate, brokerage, property management, marketing, casinos. I can just see the palladium-plated offering plates spilling over the brims. Then there’s the beauty pageants—the CZC Ministries ladies sand volleyball team will be without parallel across all earthly principalities!
Now you at least have some idea why I slipped on a pair of “no whiner” Trump boxer shorts this morning and even sacrificed my signature style Ermenegildo Zegna suits one Sunday to don a Trump Collection wool flat front suit. (Thank God, by the way, that Macy’s found a viable excuse to derail that couture disaster!)
Heck, I even had Earl, the CZC in-house barber, randomly stage some fake comb-overs in the first few rows. Like the Apostle Paul once wrote, I have be-combed all things for all people! Heh—little New Testament humor there.
All right, time to roll out the Rahab Red Carpet and go get in place to greet the Trumpster limousine. Now, where did I put that bottle of eau de toilette Success by Trump?
Please open your hymnals to No. 1934.
I like the way he waddles
And I like to hear him talk
And when somebody makes him mad
O, how he can squawk!
Behold, the Christian Right Weekly Round-Up!
5. Religion Does Not a Vacuum of Reason Require, via Psychology Today: “Anti-Intellectualism Is Killing America”
The entire premise of the “Christian Right Weekly Round-Up” is that, each week, I’ll be able to trawl the Christian Right Media ocean and easily net five articles of fundamentalist tommyrot that will drop your jaw agog to the ground faster than a mythical collapsing wall of Jericho. Yet every once in awhile, I include an article from a non-Christian media source simply because Wisdom demands that it be shared. This is one such article: American Humanist Association legal director David Niose absolutely hits the “Demand Evidence and Think Critically” nail on the head: “At the core of all of this dysfunction is an abandonment of reason.”
I include herein two essential paragraphs, but strongly recommend that you find a quiet place and devote 20 minutes of your day chewing this lexical cud carefully, then share this article everywhere you can. This—this!—is the Great American Problem:
What Americans rarely acknowledge is that many of their social problems are rooted in the rejection of critical thinking or, conversely, the glorification of the emotional and irrational. What else could explain the hyper-patriotism that has many accepting an outlandish notion that America is far superior to the rest of the world? Love of one’s country is fine, but many Americans seem to honestly believe that their country both invented and perfected the idea of freedom, that the quality of life here far surpasses everywhere else in the world.
But it doesn’t. International quality of life rankings place America far from the top, at sixteenth. America’s rates of murder and other violent crime dwarf most of the rest of the developed world, as does its incarceration rate, while its rates of education and scientific literacy are embarrassingly low. American schools, claiming to uphold “traditional values,” avoid fact-based sex education, and thus we have the highest rates of teen pregnancy in the industrialized world. And those rates are notably highest where so-called “biblical values” are prominent…
4. The Great White Presbyterian Hope, over at Christian Post: “6 Interesting Facts About Donald Trump’s Christian Faith”
If you’ve noticed any of your Presbyterian friends walking around with permanent facepalm of late, now you know why: Presidential-hopeful Donald Trump claims to be one of them. Then again, Trump may be hedging his Protestant affiliations with a foot in the Reformed Church sanctuary as well. (Hmm. I wonder how John Calvin might have fared on “The Apprentice.” Insert ‘predestined winner’ joke here.)
I’m sure you’ll also be relieved to learn that during a 2011 interview, Donald Trump gave the Bible a thumbs up review:
I believe in God. I am Christian. I think The Bible is certainly, it is THE book.
You know, it makes me throw up a little in my soul whenever I consider that a presidential candidate has an obligation to create an “acceptable” spiritual avatar to hold up to the masses. Why can’t the man just be honest and say, “I serve Mammon. You gotta problem with that?”
3. Christian Higher Education Slowly Joins Civilization, a la Christianity Today: “Two CCCU Colleges to Allow Same-Sex Married Faculty”
Great! Goshen College and Eastern Mennonite University “have added ‘sexual orientation’ to their nondiscrimination policies…”
Christianity Today, please feel free to get back to us when the majority of private Christian institutions of higher education—again, that’s HIGHER EDUCATION—follow suit and join Civilization.
2. Trailblazing in the Wake of SCOTUS’s Ruling, via Christian Examiner: “Trail Life USA, alternative to Boy Scouts, warns churches before BSA vote on gay leaders”
Achtung! Brace yourselves!
Did you know there was an alternative to the Boy Scouts for homophobic families? It’s called Trail Life USA.
Now brace yourselves again. Even Trail Life USA has agreed to allow homosexual scouts in its midst. And guess what, gay scout leaders are probably right around the corner, too.
Man, what’s the bloody world coming to? One can hardly learn how to master the Double Overhand Knot without possibly coming into contact with a heathen homo hand!
You know, I might lose a few Eagle Scout readers over this one, but I’ll be honest: I have never understood scouting troupes in general. Then again, I spent significant time studying the Hitlerjugend, and there’s just something about boys in formal khaki shorts blowing bugles that seems cultic and creeps me out.
1. Gad Gibberish Goliath Gibberish Ga-Ga-Goo-Goo-Ga, according to Charisma News: “Prophecy: When the Gadites Rise the Goliaths Will Fall”
When all else fails, just remember that when the Gadites rise, Goliath will fall.
Hell, I grew up in a charismatic Christian community and speak fluent Fundamentalese, but even this one flies straight over my head like a Pentecost Paraclete. This crap is more confusing than James Joyce’s Finnegan’s Wake.
Seriously, why couldn’t Jennifer LeClaire just write something like, “Hey, everyone, Jesus commanded us all to be kind to one another!”
You know why? Because cryptic gibberish is to fundamentalists what dope is to an addict.
That’s a wrap!
Please open your hymnals to No. 1989.
Don’t feel like Satan,
but I am to them
So I try to forget it,
any way I can
Keep on rockin’ in the free world
Pastor Pillow now makes national radio guest appearances on The Horn: The Head On Radio Network. Click to hear Pastor Pillow’s May 27 and June 10 tent revival segments with Brother Bob Kincaid. Pastor Pillow’s next Prayer Meetin’ Wednesday is August 5 at 6 p.m. ET. Mark your calendars and tune in!
Latest posts by Arik Bjorn (see all)
- Puerto Rican Paper Towels to Buchenwald Bread Crumbs: #RESIST, While You Still Have Time - October 6, 2017
- “So I Ran for Congress”: Sneak Preview Redux - August 22, 2017
- “So I Ran for Congress”: A Sneak Preview - August 4, 2017