Hello, I’m Pastor Pillow!
Welcome to the spiritual sanctuary of the Good Zeppelin Zerubbabel, the multimillion-dollar faith flagship of the Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries air armada. I just can’t thank Jehovah-jireh enough for providing me my own personal rigid airship so that I can praise the Lord free from the restrictive chains of the Luciferean TSA and Federal Aviation Administration.
You never know when the Lord Almighty will call you to unbuckle your safety belt and dance like David over to the zinc bar for a little righteous refreshment. Say, in the mood for a Negroni? It’s a long way to Carson City. And let’s say it like we mean it: Sweet Vermouth Matters!
The best part about flying in a gigantic gasbag? We don’t have to worry one moment about being constantly groped by the needy pagans who fly coach! Actually, just between you and me, it’s believers who tend to be the most touchy-feely: “Heal me, Pastor Pillow!” “Spread some of that Miracle Whip anointing my way, Pastor P.” You have no idea how much we budget for industrial-sized hand sanitizer at CZC Ministries.
Anyway, if you’ve got a minute, I’d like you to take a look at these new Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries products we’re about to launch on our megachurch website. Last year, while I was flipping through my day planner, it occurred to me that our very months and days of the week are actual tributes to Baphomet himself.
Why, did you know that most of our days of the week are dedicated to the demons of the Norse pantheon: Tyr, Odin, Thor and Freya?! Then there’s the months! Janus, Mars, Maia! Not to mention July and August, named for two pagan Roman emperors.
Jesus forgive us—no wonder Christendom has been under bondage since the days of our Lord and Savior himself. So, under the Holy Ghost’s guidance, I hereby unveil the 2016 CZC Ministries Christo et Regno New Calendrical Wineskin Day Planner!
Your new days of the week: Sonday (for the Son of God, naturally). Manday (for the head of the household). NewTestamentday. AmazingGraceday. AmyGrantday. MichaelWSmithday. RollTideday!
Then there’s the new months: JoelOsteen-uary. FranklinGraham-uary. MarchforJesus. Creflo. Bush. TDJakes. Trump. Cruz. Pigskin-ber. AlternativeHalloweenCelebration-ber. Columbus-ber. CocaColaSanta-ber.
What do you think? Here, have another Negroni. And a cigar. It’s a Cuban—picked these up when we were in Havana last AmyGrantday. Say, got a light? It’s only a zeppelin. What could possibly happen?
Please open your hymnals to No. 1966:
Ridin’ high I got tears in my eyes
You know you got to go through hell
Before you get to heaven
Here are five articles from the Christian Right Media over the past week that remind progressives of the critical need to show up at the polls on Tuesday, November 8, 2016, if ever we are to right the Good Ship Civilization:
5. “Kenneth Copeland and Jesse Duplantis, Prosperity Gospel Kamikazes” via Believer’s Voice of Victory
Rarely does one see a televangelist fleece his or her audience so openly, but Prosperity Gospel antichrists Kenneth Copeland and Jesse Duplantis engaged in true biblical balderdash barnstorming during a recent December 29 broadcast on the Believer’s Voice of Victory Network.
“The world is in such a shape, we can’t get there without [these multimillion-dollar jets],” Copeland wants you to know.
Gee, someone might want to tell that to Presidential Candidate Bernie “I Fly Coach” Sanders. Then again, Sanders is only in the running to be Leader of the Free World—whilst Copeland, Duplantis & Co. are on a divine mission to out-Scrooge McDuck one another.
Near the end of the clip, Copeland describes a point in Oral Roberts’ ministry when Roberts switched from flying on airlines to private planes because “people were coming up to him—he had become famous.” As we all know, Jesus set the precedent by fleeing the needy crowds and hopping on a Gulfstream Gethsemane-650.
I try not to be too judgmental of the average megachurch-goer in this column, but you have to be a special kind of spiritual stupid to fall for charlatans like Copeland and Duplantis. Then again, how many megachurchers will be voting for candidates named Trump, Cruz, Carson or Bush?
♫ On the fifth day of Christmas, Jehovah gave to me /
Five Tax-Exempt Lears! /
Four Hawker 800s /
Three Bombardier BDs /
Two Cessna Citations /
And an Airbus A380 ♫
3. “What Do South Carolina Supporters of Donald Trump Think of Ted Cruz?” a la Charisma News
What?! Seriously, if Charisma News were truly dedicated to reporting “on what the Holy Spirit is doing around the world,” this headline would read: “Jesus Christ Rolls on His Throne at the Right Hand of the Father Seeing These Two Bozos on a Presidential Primary Ballot.”
2. “Franklin Graham Blasts Republicans, Leaves Party” over at Christian Broadcasting Network
Good, because Christianity and the Party of Trump/Cruz have nothing in common. Any Christian leader worth his weight in chalcedony would—oh wait, Mr. Franklin, where are you heading? Are you sure? But that’s the way to the American Nazi Party.
Oh, Billy, avert your eyes.
1. “Why Are There Only 53 Christians Among America’s 2,184 Syrian Refugees?” at Christianity Today
In the spirit of New Year’s, this clip from the November 22 “CRWRU” was our favorite Christian Right Media story from 2015. We nearly went with “To the Christian Men and Women Debating Yoga Pants,” because, as everyone knows, the only thing more diabolical than a refugee is the female form in Lycra spandex. That said, we stayed above the Bible belt with our decision.
Feel free to ignore Christianity Today’s clickbait title, by the way. But if anyone had bothered to listen to Morgan Lee, President & CEO of World Relief, the Syrian refugee debate would have lasted about two minutes:
For 30 years, World Relief has partnered with local churches to resettle over 260,000 refugees to the United States and in addition since 1975, the United States has resettled more than 3 million refugees – three quarters of a million entered the U.S. in 2001 alone. During this time, there have been no recorded terrorists acts in the U.S. by a refugee. In fact, refugees are already the most vetted non-citizens in our country.
Maybe next time, fundies. Then again, if a Republican gets elected to the White House in 2016, there will be an Iranian refugee situation to test out soon enough.
That’s a wrap!
And don’t forget! Pastor Pillow now makes national radio guest appearances on The Horn: The Head On Radio Network. Click to hear Pastor Pillow’s October 14, November 11 and December 9 tent revival segments with Brother Bob Kincaid. Pastor Pillow’s next Prayer Meetin’ Wednesday is January 20 p.m. ET. Mark your calendars and tune in!
Also, Human Beings Everywhere: Follow The Golden Rule.
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