Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Rocks the Vote, Plus Fundie Grave Sucking


Hey, I’m Pastor Pillow!

Pat, Benny, Joel, Perry, good to see you. Come on in.

What’s that, Rick? Doh! Sorry, so sorry! I completely forgot this is a secret cabal. No real names, everyone.

So, um, I’m Pastor “Pulvino.” Pussy, Nebuchadnezzar, Pearls, Jar-Jar, good to see you.

Everyone kick off your patent white slips and sink into a Wolf Pur Supersac in the living room. Our maid Liudvika will be around with some sparkling cold duck and O’Doul’s for everyone in a bit. And I think we have a box of Chicken in a Biscuit, some tuna casserole and half a gouda cheeseball left over from last night’s St. Crispin’s Day Potluck.

By the way, Liudvika is that adult film star convert from Estonia I told you all about. She found Jesus at my recent crusade in Tallinn. Well, it turns out she can dust like a Jeremiah whirlwind! And someone at the State Department just happened to be late on their Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Palladium Plan membership dues. Next thing I know, Liudvika’s got a work visa and is staying in the Rahab Guest House back behind the pool. What can I say, the Lord works in mysterious ways!


Mark! I mean, William Wallace! We realize you’re a bit of a Lone Ranger these days, but glad you could make it, too. Here, let me take your coat. Is that real sheepskin?

Again, thank you all for coming. Just to remind everyone, about 20 years ago, The Family thought it would be a good idea if a few of us mega-megachurch leaders gathered in the weeks leading up to each national election to discuss and exchange talking points—I mean, “pastoral notes,” that could be distributed to megachurches around the country.

As you know—and as that ass, Bear, who runs The Golden Rule is always sending me postcards to remind me—under the Internal Revenue Code, we are “absolutely prohibited from directly or indirectly participating in, or intervening in, any political campaign on behalf of (or in opposition to) any candidate for elective public office.”

So while we can’t order our flocks to vote for So-and-So as Representative, Senator or Governor on November 4, we can point them in the right direction. Emphasis on right. Ha-ha!

First off, get creative. For instance, we’ve hired a few elephant face painters to roam about the Cubic Zirconium nurseries and Sunday School classrooms. And it’s definitely time to start leaning on celebrity members in your congregations. Imagine Pat Boone or Meat Loaf reading the weekly announcements—including a “rock the vote” call. Maybe Gene Simmons for the youth group.

Hey, here’s Liudvika with our refreshments! Oh, and I see she’s brought some electric vibrating footbaths. God, you’ve never lived until Liudvika’s given you a ritual foot rub.

Anyway, let me go over some political pulpit pointers for everyone:

One: Ebola. Repeat after me: Plagues of Egypt, Plagues of Egypt, Plagues of Egypt. Pharaoh was an African king, just like our current Commander-in-Chief. Easy connection there. Also, nothing motivates conservative voters more than divine-retribution hemorrhagic fever. Really, the possibilities for blame are endless: same-sex marriage, Miley Cyrus, minimum wage.

And I always like to pull in a brimstone verse from a Minor Prophet to seal the deal. Something like Hosea 8:7: “They sow the wind and reap the whirlwind.”

Two: Obamacare. I know that repeal seems to be slipping through our fingertips, but I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. It’s time to start applying the Prosperity Gospel to healthcare. Never forget the rhetorical power of the mustard seed. And, let’s be frank, if these sheep of ours started believing in God a little harder, they wouldn’t need doctors at all. Might hurt the medical device industry a bit, but this could easily translate into a few hundred thousand votes.

Third: Guns. We’ve got a new banner on the east wall of the CZ sanctuary: “Munitions are Manna.” I know there isn’t a lot of time between now and Election Day, but maybe quick put together a Men’s Group paintball tournament and consider throwing in a few live rounds. Also, ask your worship team leaders to start packing heat up on the altar.

And here’s a good line I came up with this morning: “Without guns, Joshua never would have conquered Jericho.” I realize that’s a bit of an anachronism, but odds are most folks in your congregation have no idea what technology was like in the second millennium B.C. And if they challenge you, just refer to an M60 as a modern-day slingshot.

Four: Foreign Policy. Refer back to Ebola. It’s simple at this point: Close down Africa. Peter’s vision of separating the clean and unclean animals in Acts 10 makes the case. Also, remember that Putin makes a good Antichrist. And there are always a few good verses in Isaiah and Jeremiah to link Bashar al-Assad to Revelation.

But this is critical! Don’t lay on the Rapture messaging too thick, or no one will think it’s important to vote at all. (No one goes to the polls Tuesday if they think Jesus will return on Thursday.)

All right, how’s everybody’s feet feeling? Nice work, Liudvika.

Say, why don’t we call it an intermission? Here, everyone grab a Bible costume out of the bag. Thought we might wander around the closed-gate community and do a little trick or treating.

T.D., you are going to rock it as Jezebel. Never seen you in drag before.

Now, where did I put that white sheet? I’ve always wanted to go as the Holy Ghost.

Please open your hymnals to No. 80.

And everybody knows that the Plague is coming
Everybody knows that it’s moving fast
Everybody knows that the naked man and woman
Are just a shining artifact of the past

Behold, the Christian Right Weekly Round-Up.

5. Megachurch Facts, over at Hartford Institution for Religion Research: “Databases of Megachurches in the United States”

Did you know that the top 20 megachurches in the United States boast a membership of 500,000 individuals? Do you think the Progressive Gospel is being preached from these pulpits? Or are hundreds of thousands of churchgoers instead being encouraged to show up at the polls on November 4 to vote for the fundamentalist Republican agenda that brought you endless war in the Middle East, opposition to same-sex marriage, and dozens of votes against Obamacare?

Organize this list by state. Are you surrounded by box cathedrals where Creationism and advocacy for open carry laws are preached from the pulpit? Where large swaths of your local population are being tricked into swallowing the lies of the Prosperity Gospel and encouraged to eliminate the minimum wage?

Now sneak a peek at a list of megachurches the world over. Talk about a global pandemic.

There is no Progressive corollary to the mass phenomenon of the spreading conservative Christian megachurch. The Christian Right unites weekly. What do Progressives do?

4. Mammas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Grave Suckers, via Christian Post: “Sorcery in the Sanctuary; Witchcraft (Part Two)”

We’re accustomed to hearing fundamentalist claims in and around Halloween that Satan hides in Skittles and Starburst wrappers, just waiting for children to ingest him during demonic trick-or-treat sessions.

But here’s a new Christian Right Halloween twist: GRAVE SUCKING.

Yes, Grave Sucking. That would be the fundamentalist practice of:

“gathering in graveyards, clinging to tombstones and soaking on plots in hopes of extracting the anointing of the departed.”

I can’t tell what is worse: people so idiotic as to believe that grave sucking works, or articles by people like Selah Ally Tower that lend credence to a “practice [that] is essentially necromancy.”

Feel free to watch some authentic British grave sucking here.

Meanwhile, I’m going to go put on my Cleopatra costume so that I can handle asps at the local Pentecostal church in the true spirit of Halloween.

p.s. For what it’s worth, the article states incorrectly that Numbers 12:16 forbids Christians from touching graves. C’mon, Christian Post, you’re not stooping to the level of the Wisconsin Christian News now, are you? At least get your misguided biblical references right!

3. Vote, Because Benghazi, thus sayeth Wisconsin Christian News: “Vote!”

Speaking of Wisconsin Christian News, hear ye, O, hear ye, the Hallelujah WCN clarion:

Do the teachings of the Bible on these issues more closely align with Republican views or Democrat views?  … [I]t may be useful to know that over 50% of Christians vote Republican and roughly 70% of those claiming to be something other than Christian vote Democrat. Informed Christians will more often vote Republican and non-Christians will more often vote Democrat.

Look, it only gets worse. And, honestly, there isn’t enough time left in the Big Bang to try to unravel the spaghetti plate of reasoning about Benghazi and the recent security breach at the White House—plus demonic gun control—that author Sheila Luck throws on the wall.

Just go reread the Pastor Pillow talking points in the preface and compare them to this article “Vote!” Not so farfetched anymore, are they?

2. Mel Brooks Sought as Suspect in Case, over at Charisma News: “Man Arrested for Tipping Over Ten Commandments”

First it was a Baphomet statue. Now some idiot is peeing on and driving over the Ten Commandments. Was the Oklahoma State House built on a pet cemetery?

Am I the only one who thinks maybe Oklahomans should just agree to plant a nice little row of redbud trees?

Never fear, however. What Mel Brooks breaks, Governor Fallin shall rebuild.

1. Happy St. Crisipin’s Day!

Yesterday was St. Crispin’s Day. The actual feast day of the two beheaded martyred twin saints (Crispin and Crispinian) was removed from the Roman Catholic calendar at Vatican II—though Anglicans still commemorate the day.

Here is Kenneth Branagh’s famous performance of the St. Crispin’s Day speech from Shakespeare’s Henry V, with the king rallying the troops before the Battle of Agincourt. We so needed something beautifully stated after all that fundie schlock:

We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And gentlemen in England now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs’d they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin’s day.

That’s a wrap!

Progressives, the November Elections are just around the corner!

And one-third of your fellow countrymen will be rushing to the polls to vote in line with the Megachurch Agenda—that is, if they’re not too busy sucking graves.

You and they will be voting for the following political offices:

—All 435 seats of the U.S. House of Representatives
—33 seats in the U.S. Senate
—46 State Legislatures
—And 38 State and Territorial Governorships.

Remember: A Progressive Vote is a vote for Civilization!

p.s.  Congrats to 94.7 WPVC, a pending progressive radio station in Charlottesville, Virginia. Go, Cville Progressives!

Arik Bjorn

Arik Bjorn lives in Columbia, South Carolina. He was the Democratic Party / Green Party fusion candidate for U.S. Congress in the 2nd Congressional District of South Carolina. Visit the archive for Arik’s campaign website, and check out his latest book, So I Ran for Congress. You can also follow his political activities on Twitter @Bjorn2RunSC and on Facebook. And be sure to check out more from Arik in his archives!


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