Hello, I’m Pastor Pillow!
My, that cell door makes an awful sound when it closes. So definitive in its restriction of freedom.
Not to worry: though you rot away on a steady diet of Soylent Green and mop bucket water, you find yourself at the end of a centuries-long line of glorious martyrs whom the good Lord in his beneficence has chosen for vacay in the pagan penalty box. Let’s see, there’s John the Baptist, the Apostle Paul, Polycarp, Martin Luther King Jr.—oops, almost forgot Jim and Tammy Faye.
By the way, it’s okay to come into the light. I won’t bite—unless led to do so by the Spirit. That’s just a little joke I throw out at the beginning of snake-handling potluck evening services every third Thursday at Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries.
Seriously, you can trust me; the good folks down at Liberty Counsel sent me. Bet your bottom dollar in the palladium-plated offering plate, the moment they told me I could charge my $400 per hour prison visit fee against your future Kickstarter campaign funds, I hopped right on the CZC Ministries Gulfstream G650 and made my way here to Carter County.
I looked up the Carter County Detention Center on the way and thought it was a bit odd that you’re in the same facility as Larry Davis. No relation? Still, a co-ed prison? Well, that must make for interesting prison yard interactions. But at least you aren’t tempted by, um, same-sex conjugal interactions. After all, you know what our good friend Dr. Carson says, “Enter the clink straight, come out tangled.”
Speaking of which, one of the guards told me you’re going by the penal moniker Snarly. Wasn’t sure what that’s a reference to, but I asked my driver to pick up some L’Oréal volume conditioner at the Rite Aid—and maybe stop off at Tudor’s Biscuit World for a shaved ham melt platter. He should be back shortly.
I just think it’s a pity that Liberty Counsel is considered a borderline hate group by that bastion of demonic progressivism, the Southern Poverty Law Center. Hate? If anything, Liberty Counsel is a Guardian of the God-fearing Galaxy! And, rest assured, the second Hairpiece—that’s his Secret Service codename, don’t tell anyone—becomes President, we’ll build a wall around San Francisco and provide a swift kick in the pants to all those military gays. Heck, with any luck, we might even be able to reach an international stoning agreement with ISIS. And once a couple of liberal Supreme Court justices conveniently fall by the wayside, guess what county clerk might just be in line for a presidential pardon and a black robe nomination?
Anyway, that’s the message I was asked to deliver. So just hang tight and carry the biblical definitions of marriage cross just a little while longer. Now, let me put on these latex gloves so I can lay hands on you without picking up some End Times antelope disease.
Please open your hymnals to No. 917.
She’s in the jailhouse now
She’s in the jailhouse now
So you can understand, why old kid Kim is in the can
She’s in the jailhouse now
Behold, the Christian Right Weekly Round-Up!
5. Horny End Times Code Red Clickbait on Aisle Four!, over at Charisma News: “Signs of the Times? 60,000 Antelopes Mysteriously Die in Four Days”
The saiga is an Asian antelope with a face that Evolution seems to have lifted from the Cantina scene in Star Wars. Natural Selection has been further unkind to this ungulate; the Chinese claim that powder derived from the saiga’s horn has medicinal powers, which has led to poaching the saiga to the point of extinction within China’s border. Elsewhere, the population of the poor creature has been so decimated that it has attained Critically-Endangered status.
To make matters even worse, this summer, an horrific infection appears to have wiped out one-third of the remaining saiga on Our Little Blue Planet.
Enter the delusional, fear-mongering, eschatological worldview of Charisma News. Read the title of CN’s piece. That any news organization—even a half-baked, fundamentalist one—would try to tie a tick-spread bacterial infection of antelopes to a supposed Judgment Day Blind Date with Jehovah is simply beyond the pale. CN Contributor Taylor Berglund couldn’t even find some obscure prophetic reference in Haggai or Habakkuk to support the claim, so the editor just leaves us with the absurdly suggestive “sign of the times” title.
By the way, while one might be horrified at the plight of the saiga, mass organism deaths are a daily occurrence on our planet—not a sign for Chicken Little teleological panic. Case in point: every liter of seawater contains no less than 10 million microbes waging a daily war against 100 billion viruses. If anything, the saiga saga serves as a reminder to get vaccinated for flu season.
Yet what to do with Charisma News, which over time has vaulted to the frontline of the whack-a-do Christian Right Media? Want to hear an authentically frightening fact? Charisma News is globally ranked in the Top 20,000 of the world’s 1 billion websites. And it’s a Top 6,000 U.S. site. Millions of people read Charisma News—millions of people believe in its content, which includes daily articles about bizarre biblical prophecies, demonic influence on politics, and other sundry topics of “spiritual warfare.” And to make matters worse—far worse—these people vote.
4. Here’s a Conservative Minority Vice Presidential Candidate—See, We’re Not Racists!, via Christian Broadcasting Network: “Gov. Nikki Haley’s Unique Perspective on Race”
Got any idea as to why the Christian Broadcasting Network is covering South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley’s remarks to the National Press Club this week? I don’t suppose it has anything to do with pushing a right-wing Christian conservative minority governor into the Vice Presidential field limelight?
Hey, fundie voters, look over here! Click this link and assuage your guilt over centuries of institutional racism. After all, even South Carolina has elected a woman with Indian immigrant parents! See, #alllivesmatter. Go, Team Trinity, go!
Also, according to CBN:
“Haley says the unfinished goals of the Civil Rights movement remain—a movement in which every person no matter their skin color has equal treatment under the law.”
“A movement in which every person…has equal treatment,” is it? Well, guess we have to give her that. After all, Governor Haley is 100% inclusive in her murderous refusal to expand Medicaid in South Carolina, essentially leaving 200,000 of her fellow citizens to medically rot.
Oops. Looks like the White House hasn’t updated its chart in a while. Let’s use this one from Families USA. Sorry, the number of suffering South Carolinians is now upwards of 300,000, Governor Haley. But I’m sure Jesus would stand right with you and your corporate conservative cabal in your indiscriminate denial of healthcare for the poor “no matter their skin color.”
3. Ashley Madison Leaps from the Turnbuckle and Delivers a Crushing ‘Blow’, a la Christianity Today: “Ligonier Suspends R. C. Sproul Jr. over Ashley Madison Visit”
So let’s get this straight. Evangelical academic and rector R.C. Sproul Jr.’s wife passed away in 2011. He visited Ashley Madison in 2014. He is being suspended from his position as Ligonier Ministries board chair. And here is R.C. Sproul Jr’s statement about all these things:
I have always remained faithful to my wife even after her passing.
Said it last week, guess I have to say it again this week:
Every once in a while in Christendom, the repressed sexual tension gets to be too much. When an opportunity arises, the floodgates burst open—whereupon everyone is permitted a Tourette-like release of naughty words, for a time.
Sigh. I didn’t think we’d ever reach the point when a ministry suspends one of its leaders for attempting to cheat on his own dead wife.
2. Add “Rape Promotion” to the Planned Parenthood Resume, via Alliance Defending Freedom: “ADF report: Planned Parenthood’s years-long pattern of ignoring child sexual abuse, enabling predators”
If you thought the Christian Right Media couldn’t sink lower in its attack against Planned Parenthood, brace yourselves for “Promote-Rape-Gate.” Here’s the accusation from ADF’s September 3, 2015, report, How Planned Parenthood ‘Cares’ for Child Victims of Sexual Abuse:
Over and over again, across the country Planned Parenthood has demonstrated that it cares more about its profit than it does in protecting the health and well-being of children who are victims of sexual abuse.
If a law states that an organization is required to report a sexual assault, or suspected sexual assault, of a minor, and said organization does not, then, yes, such an organization has violated the law and should be called to account. And it may be the case that Planned Parenthood Rocky Mountains acted wrongfully in the case of a 13-year-old sexual assault victim. In fact, it may be the case that Planned Parenthood acted illegally in all 12 “exhibits” that AFD cites.
Planned Parenthood provides more than 10 million services annually. Who honestly thinks that no Planned Parenthood affiliate has ever committed malpractice or an illegal act? But to suggest that PP is in it for the money and lives to see rapists roaming freely is absurdly irresponsible.
Frankly, I wish one of these days the Christian Right Media would put the 19 governors who refuse to expand Medicaid under the ethical scrutiny microscope. #bornlivesmattertoo
1. Finally the Right is Discussing the “D” Word, according to Christian Post: “Do Christians Who Divorce Have the Biblical Right to Marry Other People?”
It only took several decades and the Supreme Court’s ruling on same-sex marriage to get the Christian Right to tackle the hypocritical interpretation of divorce when it comes to opposing same-sex marriage. For if Christians aren’t supposed to divorce by divine mandate, then how’s a divorced county clerk stuck in the Kentucky pokey supposed to defend her belief that same-sexers shall not wed?
Of course, what’s going to happen now is that fundies are going to start issuing marriage loyalty oaths to their congregants and kicking divorcees out of the flock—in order to stand on their anti-same-sex marriage convictions. Then, in another decade or so, they’ll finally get around to kicking out worshipers who consume BLTs in multi-fabric duds.
That’s a wrap!
Please open your hymnals to No. 300.
I bet there’s rich folks eating in a fancy dining car
They’re probably drinkin’ coffee and smoking big cigars.
Well I know I had it coming, I know I can’t be free
But those marriage certificates keep getting issued
And that’s what tortures me…
Pastor Pillow now makes national radio guest appearances on The Horn: The Head On Radio Network. Click to hear Pastor Pillow’s June 10 and September 2 tent revival segments with Brother Bob Kincaid. Pastor Pillow’s next Prayer Meetin’ Wednesday is September 2 at 6 p.m. ET. Mark your calendars and tune in!
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