Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Whips Huckabee and The Donald Into Biblical Shape

Hello, I’m Pastor Pillow!

First, I want to thank each and every one of you Republican Presidential Candidates for coming here today. Second, I suppose we should thank Brother Bear for allowing us to use his ministerial facilities for this special training session.

We didn’t think it would be a good idea to attract too much media attention by hosting all of you at my home base Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries. Also, I appreciate the concern of some of you had at being blindfolded and escorted to a place called Glory Hole Ministries. But rest assured that you’re in good hands. Just don’t move much at all, and keep your fingers away from strange circular recesses.

Third, I especially want to thank your Super PACs for making today possible. I’m not going to say precisely how many of Wednesday night’s debate candidates are here—cough-cough all plus Senator Lindsey “Boom-Boom War” Graham—but there are enough of you paying our Holy Spirit-inspired fee to make that long-held dream of owning a Dubai Arabian stud possible. By the way, we’re thinking of naming him Hagee Blood-Moon. I just hope Christ doesn’t return in glory before we have a chance to snag the Triple Crown.

Now where were we? Ah yes. Separation. As in, while a few of you distinguished yourselves amidst the madding crowd at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library this past Wednesday, not a one of you has found the sweet spot of the Evangelical bat, as it were. Good Lord, didn’t any of you pay attention in Sunday School?

In short, you’re all doing a remarkably pathetic job of using the Bible to thump voters over the head and separate yourselves from the pack.

For instance, you can all wax poetic on immigration until the Hispanic cows come home, but none of you has yet thought of comparing your proposed “border wall” with Jericho. Well, maybe that’s not the best analogy, as Jericho’s wall fell. Oh, who knows? Also, there ought to be a way to creatively tie Rahab to human trafficking. Or are Republicans in favor of prostitution these days? One never can tell what libertarian candidates are up to. Either way, I expect a good Whore of Babylon reference by someone in the coming days. Carly?

Also, try to tie U.S. foreign policy to at least one major prophet and two minor prophets. (Example: Syrian refugees to any old quote form Ezekiel, Amos and Haggai.) And it’s literally been months since I’ve heard any Republican worth his Lot’s wife’s salt make a Gog and Magog reference to Vladimir Putin. Never forget that Russia is a biblical bear just waiting to be trapped—not to mention a backdoor way into the hearts of all Evangelicals who deep-down long for a post-Soviet oligarchic theocracy.

As to the Second Amendment, is someone eventually going to mention the fact that Jehovah only needed a few Asherah poles as a good excuse for wiping out women and children with the sword? Can you imagine how much more convenient it would have been back in the biblical day with drones wreaking havoc across the skies of the Promised Land?

And, finally, Planned Parenthood appears to be the defunding flavor of the month. But I haven’t heard anyone calling out the name of Onan lately. Hello, if God’ll strike you dead for premature seed-spilling when giving it to your dead brother’s wife, what do you think He thinks about that godawful lot of baby-part moneychangers? By the way, well before SCOTUS started handing out nuptial rights to every Tom, Dick and Harry, there was the biblical practice of stoning to death—and trust me, this has nothing to do with Colorado brownies. So, I’m handing out easy-reference bullet points to all your handlers to remind your campaigns that capital punishment by tossed rock was a common Old Testament practice for everything from adultery to disrespect of one’s parents to lying about one’s virginity. Senator Graham, now why are you turning all red-faced?

Well, AA has the room booked now, so it’s time for me to let you go. Kindly keep on your blindfolds until you get back to your charter jets. When next we see your mugs on the boob tube at the Coors Event Center on October 28, we expect a lot more Christian Right Media name-dropping (you know, Franklin Graham, Rick Warren and James Dobson) and as many Bible verses as you can fit into a soundbite. So get KJV and NIV cracking!

Oh, and Mike and Donald, here are those special self-flagellation whips we talked about. Ordered them from a specialty shop in the Philippines. We may finally be at the point where a little biblical blood flow on the back of a pinstripe suit is the way to truly show the American people how much you love Jesus.

Please open your hymnals to No. 1980.

When a problem comes along
You must whip it
Before the cream sets out too long
You must whip it
When something’s goin’ wrong
You must whip it

Every day, the Christian Right Media makes a financial killing reporting news with an outlandish slant to millions of Christian fundamentalists across the Fruited Plain. According to Forbes, the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) alone brings in nearly $300 million in annual revenue. Yet CBN is a mere bright star in a galaxy of hundreds of Christian Right Media organizations that put even Fox News to shame.

Here are five articles from the Christian Right Media over the past week that remind progressives of the critical need to show up at the polls on Tuesday, November 8, 2016 if ever we are to right the Good Ship Civilization:

5. “How the Dating Scene Became Stacked Against Women” over at Christianity Today

While reviewing Jon Birger’s Date-onomics, Gina Dalfonzo reminds us that “practicing Christians” don’t engage in premarital sex. Really? Thanks for the blanket condemnation of several hundred million Christians. (I suppose “practicing Christians” don’t use Planned Parenthood, either.) Someone please tell me what this piece of Lifetime-level schlock journalism has to do with religion or, frankly, anything. Ah, CT: the Evangelical magazine that also provides reviews of such Christian classic mob tales as Johnny Depp’s Black Mass.

4. “Angelic Activity Rising in the Season” via Charisma News

Extra, extra! From the Christian news agency that covers demonic possession and End Times prophecies! Read all about it! Angels are everywhere these days!

Dr. Who fans, you know what to do—or rather, what not to do. DON’T BLINK.

3. “Trump Bible? CNN ‘Searches Multiple Bibles’ in Hunt for The Donald’s Bible Verse” over at Christian Post

Donald Trump is wholly despicable. Period. He is a Gordon Gekko, xenophobic barbarian who is hell-bent on destroying Civilization. But I despise equally the Christian Right Media’s whack-a-mole Bible trivia cottage industry that has grown up around Candidate Trump. Who cares if he can recite the Nicene Creed or knows all the verses to “Jesus Loves Me”? We’re not electing a Pope in November 2016.

2. “Hagee on Iran Deal: Final Blood Moon a Divine Warning” via Christian Broadcasting Network

This shit still? Guess it’s time to refer everyone to my old refutation of everyone’s favorite Evangelical Celestial Seasonings hack, John Hagee:

And what precisely is a blood moon? More than anything, it’s an apocalyptic term meant to scare you. As to why the moon takes on a reddish hue during a total lunar eclipse, let’s consult the good folks over at EarthSky: “the dispersed light from all the Earth’s sunrises and sunsets falls on the face of the moon at mid-eclipse.” You mean the Whore of Babylon’s blood doesn’t actually cover the surface of our planetary satellite? Nope.

1. “My Spouse Struggles with Homosexuality” at Focus on the Family

Does your husband fall into gayness? Does your wife slip into lesbianism? Do you personally suffer from that “ominous feeling” that your puzzle piece no longer fits your spouse? Never Fear! Dr. James Dobson to the rescue!

Prevention is effective; change is possible (although often difficult); hope is available; and Jesus Christ is in the business of healing. There is no refuting the fact that countless individuals have left the homosexual lifestyle and found wholeness in their newfound heterosexuality.

That’s a wrap!

Pastor Pillow now makes national radio guest appearances on The Horn: The Head On Radio Network.  Click to hear Pastor Pillow’s June 10 and September 2 tent revival segments with Brother Bob Kincaid.  Pastor Pillow’s next Prayer Meetin’ Wednesday is September 30 at 6 p.m. ET. Mark your calendars and tune in!

Also, Human Beings Everywhere:  Follow The Golden Rule.

Arik Bjorn

Arik Bjorn lives in Columbia, South Carolina. He was the Democratic Party / Green Party fusion candidate for U.S. Congress in the 2nd Congressional District of South Carolina. Visit the archive for Arik’s campaign website, and check out his latest book, So I Ran for Congress. You can also follow his political activities on Twitter @Bjorn2RunSC and on Facebook. And be sure to check out more from Arik in his archives!


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