Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow’s Loaves & Fishies Apostolic Eatery Hut

mcdonalds-nativityHello! Welcome to Pastor Pillow’s Loaves & Fishies Apostolic Eatery Hut—a fast food subsidiary of Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries.  I’m Pastor Pillow.

Why, yes, until very recently this was in fact a McDonald’s. Yet with Ray Kroc’s gastronomic legacy on the verge of collapse, the Good Lord has provided an opportunity for hundreds of PP L&F’s to open up nationwide.

Might I recommend some Golden Calf Fried Nuggets with a side of our ever popular Leviticus Lentils? Or perhaps a Spicy Whore of Babylon Burger with Goshen Goat Milk Curds?

Sadly, this establishment no longer offers Happy Meals—although we’ve developed a Fruit of the Spirit Meal knockoff equivalent. And you get an Old Testament Prophet windup action figure with each order. This week we’re giving away Zany Zephaniah. When you wind him up, he cries, “Finish your Philistine Fries before Jehovah brings a sudden end to all who walk upon the earth!”

I have to admit, though, that the Naked Isaiah figurine we gave away last week drew several lawsuit threats plus one anatomical correction. You know, I can see why it never occurred to the toymaker to make Isaiah circumcised.

Anyway, I had to send Aaliyah and Frank up to Sam’s Club on a lard run. So I’m holding down the fort until they get back.  Never worked a drive-thru microphone before—I’m used to a lavalier mike when I’m behind my acrylic podium. This mike reminds me of the ones back in the day when I did dinner theatre evangelism at Jim Bakker’s Heritage USA.

Let’s see, here’s a script I’m supposed to be working from. Perhaps best to follow that.

Says here that before I take your order, I need to make sure of a few things. Number one. Are you or anyone who intends to partake of this meal a homosexual, Jew, Hindu, Sikh, Shinto, Muslim, transgender, hermaphrodite, atheist, Communist, supporter of Elizabeth Warren or a New York Mets fan?

Yes, ma’am, I’m sure you and your husband are perfectly good Christians, but how can we be sure that your two children aren’t future gay wedding cake customers? Yes, I understand they’re both in elementary school. Also, there’s your hungry fetus to consider—bless his or her soul. Still, one never knows.

Wait, did I hear your husband say you’re Catholic? First, we apparently have very different definitions of “perfectly good Christians.” Second, just out of curiosity, what’s it like to go your entire life without eating pork chops and bacon? What, that’s Jews and Muslims? Well, I’ll be. So Pope Francis can enjoy a good tenderloin, after all.

Anyway, according to my script, I really can’t serve you unless you accept Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior. So just pull your minivan forward and allow me to pour a bottle of Samaritan Well Sparking Water on your family—voila, baptism!—then I can offer you a Quail and Cucumber Manna Wrap Family Meal. Comes with a bucket of Honey-Covered Fried Locusts. Sorry, but we have to charge extra for a packet of Rahab Red Napkins—company policy.

And you’ve just got to try our Mustard Seed Milkshakes. You won’t believe how good they are. Get it? Won’t believe. Ha-ha! Hello? Hmm. Guess they drove off.

Oh, here’s a new customer.

Welcome to Pastor Pillow’s Loaves & Fishies Apostolic Eatery Hut—a fast food subsidiary of Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries! Would you like to try our Body of Christ BLT? This week it comes with a special Lot and Lot’s Wife Salt and Pepper Shaker set.

Please open your hymnals to No. 247,000,000,000.

Smile please, come on everybody—wear a happy face
Smile please, come on and blast all your troubles into space
Smile please come on and pass it on from face to face

Behold, the Christian Right Weekly Round-Up!

Think Fox News is a journalistic joke? Trust me, Roger Ailes can’t hold a light under a bushel compared to the Christian Right Media. According to Forbes, the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) rakes in nearly $300 million per year in revenue. And CBN is a mere bright star in a galactic empire of right-wing Christian media organizations, including members of the National Religious Broadcasters and the Evangelical Press Association and beyond.


In the name of Christ, these news outlets perpetuate racism, sexism, classism and militarism every day across the Fruited Plain. So if you’re looking for a good excuse to mail your write-in ballot for Hillary today or apply for political asylum at the nearest Finnish consulate, check out these five articles:

5. Graham Calls on Christians to Pray for Governor Jindal as 2016 Approaches, via Charisma News: “Franklin Graham Calls for Intercession Over Gov. Bobby Jindal”

Let us indeed follow the call by Franklin Graham to pray for Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal. Let he whom Reverend Graham endorses fall to political pieces:

God in Heaven:

We beseech thee that all voters everywhere work to remove Governor Jindal from any and all political office. May his message of governmental hate and bigotry, as well as his lack of compassion and general antichrist behavior, become a thing of politics past as humanity strives to build and maintain Civilization.

For this we pray,

Amen

4. EMBRACING THE REALITY OF THE ARMENIAN GENOCIDE, over at Christianity Today: “Turkish and Armenian Christians Reconcile on Genocide Anniversary”

In the final days of the Ottoman Empire, in what is now modern Turkey, more than 1 million Armenians were slaughtered by government order. Yet for the past century, it has been, and remains, illegal in Turkey even to mention the Armenian Genocide. (Just ask Nobel Laureate Orhan Pamuk whether this law is enforced.)

Sometimes even the Christian Right Media gets it, well, right. To be even more fair, this story of Turkish-Armenian reconciliation is not being covered in mainstream media. Here appears an example where discerning spirituality can overcome the rancor of politics and create a path of historical healing. Such forgiveness is at the heart of all true religions.

3. Southern Baptist Leader Stumbles Upon New Theological Idiocy, so says the Christian Post: “Bruce Jenner Says ‘I’m a Woman’; Southern Baptist Leader Responds by Pointing to Heresy of Gnosticism”

If only Diane Sawyer had asked the great Olympic medalist about the Nag Hammadi Library! So argues Russell Moore, president of the Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission of the Southern Baptist Convention. Moore states that the “cultural narrative” of transgender medical transformation stems from “the ancient heresy of Gnosticism.”

If only there were some noteworthy award for theological idiocy, we could straightaway pin it to Moore’s chest. The last time I checked, Gnosticism rejects solutions for human problems from the material world—which is precisely the opposite course of action taken by Jenner. The next thing you know, Moore is going to accuse hermaphrodites of dabbling in Manichaeist dualism.

2. Even Baptists Distance Themselves from Ben Carson, over at Baptist Press: “Carson to Withdraw as Pastors’ Conf. Speaker”

Speaking of Southern Baptists…

I know, I know. You were all so excited to see likely presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson address the Southern Baptist Convention Pastors Conference in Columbia, Ohio, in mid-June! (Good Lord, if one ever needed a reason to avoid Ohio.) Carson affiliates himself with the Seventh-Day Adventist Church—which of course the SBC knew when it originally invited him to keynote the event. But they apparently hoped that Carson’s firebrand conservative politics could sufficiently overcome the quasi-cult heterodoxy of the Seventh-Day Adventist Church: “Thus, the SDA is not a cult by definition. However…”

And just why might even ultraconservative Southern Baptists be concerned about being associated with Seventh-Day Adventists? (Have a read here.) Personally, I can’t tell whether it’s because they still practice Levitical food law, refuse to play Old Maid on moral grounds, or because they consider the Catholic Church the Whore of Babylon. Otherwise, Carson would make a great President. At least any official head of state meeting with Pope Francis would be interesting.

1. And for Today’s Top Lie Being Shoved into the Minds of Fundamentalist Children, via Answers in Genesis: “Oceanic Dispersal Rafted Worm Lizards Around the World”

“Following the global Flood about 4,350 years ago…” Nope, thank you. That’s all we needed to read. And for more fantastical pseudo-science idiocy, we invite you to peruse “How Did Animals Spread All Over the World from Where the Ark Landed?”

That’s a wrap!

Please open your hymnals to No. 1984.

Two all beef patties,
Special sauce, lettuce, cheese,
Pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun

Progressives, the November Elections are—damn, you missed it. It’s too late. While we Progressives sat around drinking craft beer, more than one-third of our fellow fundamentalist countrymen rushed to the polls and elected the most idiotic group of human beings ever yet to rule a superpower.

But don’t worry. We’ll get another shot to right the Good Ship Civilization on Tuesday, November 8, 2016. Hopefully our Little Blue Planet will still be alive and kicking by then. And hopefully we can all get off our Balaam’s asses this time and find a voting booth.




Arik Bjorn

Arik Bjorn lives in Columbia, South Carolina. He was the Democratic Party / Green Party fusion candidate for U.S. Congress in the 2nd Congressional District of South Carolina. Visit the archive for Arik’s campaign website, and check out his latest book, So I Ran for Congress. You can also follow his political activities on Twitter @Bjorn2RunSC and on Facebook. And be sure to check out more from Arik in his archives!

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  • David Ish

    Re: the former McDonnald’s store? Is this for real?

  • bestfriend

    Christianaphobia