Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow’s Vacation Bible School Concentration Camp Wonderland

soldier-prisonersHello, I’m Pastor Pillow!

Yes, that’s me! The one and only famed Chief Pastoral Officer of the multi-billion-dollar global faith enterprise we like to call Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries.

Why, if there’s a fleck of heavenly emerald or sardonyx out there waiting to be hoarded, we just focus our little mustard seeds of faith and believe it straightaway into our palladium-plated offering plates! And we like to call this little trick the Prosperity Gospel.

By the way, have you seen my chauffeur Larry? He was supposed to pull around the Garia Soleil de Minuit golf cart a few minutes ago. Little vehicular trifle we picked up thanks to an amazing fourth service offering a few weeks back—helps to have the CZM Ladies Beach Volleyball team handing around the plates in the summer. Anyway, the Garia Soleil has a Porsche double-wishbone front suspension that could beat Elijah’s ass to Jezreel. Even had a custom-built “communion wine rack” installed in the back. Thing of biblical beauty, she is.

I need to do a final inspection tour of the VBS CCs before Mr. Graham shows up. I’m a little nervous; we were able to complete camps one through three in time, but the Chinese camp isn’t quite done yet. Plus, I’m not sure if the gas chambers—I mean, afterlife facilities—have been connected to the utility lines yet.

What’s a VBS CC? Oh, those are the Vacation Bible School Concentration Camps. You see, every summer we hold Vacation Bible School in late July for all the kiddies. They’re a blast. We have morning flannelgraph sessions that show Adam and Eve playing hopscotch with the dinosaurs. Then afternoon playacting about backsliders and the unsaved rotting in lava lakes for all eternity. Plus foosball tournaments. Inspiring stuff.

This year, we worked on a little Department of Defense collaborative proposal with Samaritan’s Purse based on Mr. Graham’s recent tirade about the Islamic Threat. I mean, it’s been awhile since Uncle Sam put together some good old-fashioned internment camps. Don’t want our domestic backbone to atrophy.

Because our staffers have spare time every afternoon after the parents pick up their kids, we figured it wouldn’t be much trouble for them to feed and water some Muslims. And maybe tend to a few New Black Panthers too. And who knows, maybe look after one or two billion Chinese—if we ever get Facility Four finished. That one sits about on about 400,000 acres—had to drive the CZM buffalo herds to Idaho to make room for it, actually. (I know we’re not formally at war with Beijing yet—just demonstrating some good Christian initiative here.)

Where was I? Oh yes, Facilities 1 and 2 are for the Muslims. VBS CC Three—well, we like to call that Noah’s Ark. We figure it’ll hold two of every kind of progressive, same-sex, rainbow-colored, liberal-flavored pagan you can lasso from Portland to Pensacola. I mean, if Noah got all those T-Rexes on his little gopher wood schooner, the Lord will help us squeeze all those SCOTUS lovers—

Well, hey, there’s Larry now. Whoa, take a look at the dust cloud that little Garia Soleil screamer’s kicking up!

Like I was saying, it’s one thing to ban Muslims from entering the country. But for Sadducees sake, what are we supposed to do with all the ones already living here? I mean, we’re at war with Islam, right? Or, we were at war. Now we’re just kind of sort of at war. At the very least, we spend oodles of dollars creating the appearance of being at war—and go to considerable length to fund numerous sides of whatever wars there are. Oh heck, we’ve been at war with Islam since 1096. That’s the one thing me and the Vatican agree about. Gotta miss that ole Pope Urban II.

As I gaze onto the magnificent spire of Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries, I see two flags flying: the Stars & Stripes and the Christian Flag. And I pledge my allegiance wholeheartedly to both. Long may the Kingdom of Jesus Christ and Ronald Reagan reign!

All right, Larry. Show me what this baby can do. Let’s go lasso some imams!

Please open your hymnals to No. 316.

You drink the wine but it, it tastes like water
And ya broke the bread but it turned into stone
The Sacrament, it lays scattered on the pavement
And the covenants you kept they’d all
Been stolen under the soul

Behold, the Christian Right Weekly Round-Up!

5. Franklin Graham Invokes WWII Treatment of Japanese and Germans as Remedy for Muslim “Threat,” via Franklin Graham’s Facebook Page: “July 17, 2015, Post about the Chattanooga Marine Murders”

The 19th-century German philosopher and anthropologist Ludwig Feuerbach once wrote: “By their God you know men, and by knowing men you know their God.”

It’s a tragedy of chronological circumstances that Feuerbach never had the opportunity to scroll through Franklin Graham’s Facebook page. Were he with us today, Feuerbach would see in Graham a Christian “evangelist” who has all but traded in the Trinity for a sulfur-snorting, war-mongering potentate who sounds uncannily like Donald Trump. Also, he would see a man who has done more to soil the saintly reputation of his father, Billy Graham, than any son in history. (Somewhere George W. Bush paints a Dandie Dinmont terrier and sighs in relief.)

By the way, Feuerbach’s quote applies equally to the madman killer who horrifically and murderously misrepresented the religion of Islam. God is a hater to those who hate.

Below is Franklin Graham’s quote, which we’ll let speak for itself. I am embarrassed to share a country and religion with this man:

Four innocent Marines … killed and three others wounded in #Chattanooga yesterday including a policeman and another Marine—all by a radical Muslim whose family was allowed to immigrate to this country from Kuwait. We are under attack by Muslims at home and abroad. We should stop all immigration of Muslims to the U.S. until this threat with Islam has been settled. Every Muslim that comes into this country has the potential to be radicalized—and they do their killing to honor their religion and Muhammad. During World War 2, we didn’t allow Japanese to immigrate to America, nor did we allow Germans. Why are we allowing Muslims now? Do you agree? Let your Congressman know that we’ve got to put a stop to this and close the flood gates. Pray for the men and women who serve this nation in uniform, that God would protect them.

Franklin Graham’s statement is also available at Charisma News.

4. Wheaton College Throws Institutional Temper Tantrum, Flushes Student Health Plan, over at Christianity Today: Wheaton College May Have to ‘Outsource Sin’

Apparently when Jesus carries you in the sand, he also draws a hard line with his shepherd’s staff with respect to contraception.

Wheaton College—my alma mater—would rather not provide a Student Health Insurance Plan for its entire student body than conform to Obamacare regulations. Funny how Wheaton College formerly had no issue about its health plan covering “morally objectionable” contraception prior to Obamacare becoming the law of the land.

Yeah, funny.

Also, you’ve got to love U.S. Circuit Judge Richard Posner’s ruling statement (see bottom of page 6) about Wheaton’s claim that its First Amendment rights are being violated:

When Wheaton College tells us that it is being ‘forced‘ to allow ‘use‘ of its health plans to cover emergency contraceptives, it is wrong. {emphasis mine} It’s being ‘forced‘ only to notify its insurers (including third-party administrators), whether directly or by notifying the government (which will forward the notification to the insurers), that it will not use its health plans to cover emergency contraception, that it is out of the loop, that the insurers will have to deal directly with the students, faculty, and staff, bypassing the college health plans, which remain in force, so far as contraceptive coverage is concerned, only for the contraceptives that the college does not disapprove of on religious grounds …

3. Christian Post Does More Damage to Christian Faith in One Article than the Entire Fifth Crusade, a la Christian Post: “Six Interesting Facts About Scott Walker’s Christian Faith”

Seriously, just the title alone made several archangels blush.

2. Wasting Away in Fundamentalist-ville, via Christian Broadcasting News: “Christians Who Believe in Climate Change”

Because millions of Christians wasted significant portions of their lives listening and head-bobbing to the anti-environmental bloviating blather of cigar-chomping Rush Limbaugh and others of his ilk, the position of Climate-Change-No gradually became a tenet of armchair Evangelicalism. Sadly, we refused to come to grips with the greedy-grubby reality that now befalls our Little Blue Planet—mainly because we were too busy rolling around in that greedy-grubby reality.

Of course, there is a tragic irony in having wasted precious decades of possible action by denying scientific evidence. Because caretaking Planet Earth is one of the few universally-acknowledged theological bullet points across all sects of Christianity. Yet somehow “saving whales” and “hugging trees,” as Pastor Andrew Farley so eloquently puts it, prompts natural fundamentalist scorn.

Really?! And here I thought the Global Military Industrial Complex is something Jesus would have poo-pooed just a tad more.

1. Who Wants to Buy a Fetal Part, I Know of One for Sale, according to Snopes: “Baby Parts for Sale”

Every right-of-center Christian media publication (um, that’s just about all of them), from Family Research Council to Charisma News, is gathering heaps of “likes” from articles about the secret “baby parts for sale” Planned Parenthood video.

Please, please, please, please, please take a few minutes to read the Snopes article above and presented again here. Cut through all the horseshit on both sides and become properly informed.

That’s a wrap!

Please open your hymnals to No. A3.

Larry Love, do you remember
When I came upon you in that place of suffering
In the valley of darkness?
I took away all you pain
And put love in your cold, cold heart

Pastor Pillow now makes national radio guest appearances on The Horn: The Head On Radio Network. Click to hear Pastor Pillow’s May 27 and June 10 tent revival segments with Brother Bob Kincaid. Pastor Pillow’s next Prayer Meetin’ Wednesday is August 5 at 6 p.m. ET. Mark your calendars and tune in!

Also, Human Beings Everywhere: FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE! And achtung Christian Fundamentalism.

Arik Bjorn

Arik Bjorn lives in Columbia, South Carolina. He was the Democratic Party / Green Party fusion candidate for U.S. Congress in the 2nd Congressional District of South Carolina. Visit the archive for Arik’s campaign website, and check out his latest book, So I Ran for Congress. You can also follow his political activities on Twitter @Bjorn2RunSC and on Facebook. And be sure to check out more from Arik in his archives!


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