No, don’t worry, ma’am. You’re in the right restroom. I mean, I assume you are—your upper glands appear wholesomely buxom and God-given. Here, let me just check. Very billowy indeed.
And let me just get down on my knees and apologize if I startled you—it’s not every day that you walk into the Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries ladies room just before the Sunday morning service and encounter yours truly, the Chief Pastoral Officer. I hate to come between you and your need to void, but I pray you understand this minor inconvenience.
I find it necessary to be down on my knees—most apologetically, again—in order to perform this routine undergarment check. You see, late last night our ministry received an anonymous tip from an unidentified parishioner who claimed that a transgender “person” was planning to attend today’s service.
I know, shocking! But not quite as shocked as Mrs. Mikhailovich was when I tried to rip off her mustache about 25 minutes ago. All the same.
Anyway, trust me, this here is just one of many tranny-traps that have been laid all over the CZC dominion premises in order to catch the would-be drag worshiper. And I have to give Deacon Duvet particular accolades for the idea of placing boxes of Wheaties in the Koinonia Community Room. Anyone who goes for the Jenner Flakes during coffee hour will be bounced from our godly grounds before you can say Shibboleth.
So why am I in here? Ah. You see, the Sweet Ambrosia Spirit spoke to me in the middle of the night, “Pastor Pillow, you have a shepherding obligation to stand sentinel in the ladies room.” And what with Mrs. Pillow being away in Belmont Park for the weekend, who else could have fulfilled this critical unction function? I’m here to guarantee that you and every other woman in this sacred sanctuary has an unbridled sense of security and protection from would-be deviants.
Can you even begin to imagine wanting to cut off your hoo-ha to become a woman? Pardon my Aramaic, but seriously: trade in your testosterone tanker for an estrogen receptacle? I mean, our Lord and Savior spoke to the Samaritan woman at the well, but do you think he really wanted to? What was he going to do, sit around and play Candy Crush?
Become a woman! What’ll Beelzebub think of next? Interracial marriage?
By the way, the only truly transgender beings of course are the fallen angels. Why, Lucifer the father of lies and his minions prowl to and fro across this earth as smooth as Ken dolls.
Okay, now, just hold still a minute while I—well, if it isn’t Mrs. Rickenbokker! So nice to see you. And how are all the grandchildren? No—no need to perform a panty check on you. You and Mr. Rickenbokker have been CZC Platinum Members almost from day one. I think you’ll find the second stall from the end unoccupied.
Okay, now where were we? Say, is that a New Testament in your pants, or are you just excited to see me?
Please open your hymnals to No. 1975.
Don’t get strung out by the way I look,
Don’t judge a book by its cover
I’m not much of a girl by the light of day,
But by night I’m one hell of a lover
Pastor Pillow now makes national radio guest appearances on The Horn: The Head On Radio Network. To hear Pastor Pillow’s May 27 tent revival segment with Brother Bob Kincaid, CLICK HERE. He’ll be on again this coming Wednesday, June 10 at 7 p.m. ET.
Behold, the Christian Right Weekly Round-Up!
5. Here’s How Fundamentalists React to Transgenderism, via Charisma News: “Bruce Caitlyn Jenner and a Word of Warning About the Coming Transanity”
Just remember one thing: this article would have been about “miscegenation” in the 1960s and homosexuality in the 1980s—heck, even still today.
If he is to be applauded for his courage, then we should also applaud people like ‘One Hand Jason,’ who ‘cut off his right arm with a ‘very sharp power tool’…
Fundamentalism: Always extreme. Always insensitive. Going strong since 1922.
4. Here’s How Conservative Presidential Candidates Joke About Transgender Human Beings in order to Separate Themselves from the Vile Republican Pack, via The Mike Huckabee Presidential Campaign: “Mike Huckabee Address at the National Religious Broadcasters Annual Convention, February 2015”
Conservative Presidential candidate and former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee’s remarks at the National Religious Broadcasters Annual Convention in Nashville in late February went viral during the past week. And, yes, he made a crass joke about transgenderism (at the 18-minute mark of the video link above):
Now I wish that someone told me that when I was in high school that I could have felt like a woman when it came time to take showers in PE. I’m pretty sure I would have found my feminine side and said, ‘Coach, I think I’d rather shower with the girls today.’
Progressive social media blew up this week with respect to this remark, but almost no one listened to the full speech or considered why Huckabee might go out of his way to insult a significant voting bloc. (Conversely, he also went out of his way to support an individual’s right to be an atheist. So why support atheists but trample transgender citizens?)
In Huckabee’s own words, there are 80 million self-identified Evangelicals in the United States—that compared to a mere “1.5 million Americans who identify as transgender,” according to the Washington Post.
Think Huckabee can’t do math? He states that if only 4% more of Evangelicals had voted in the 2012 election, “we would be addressing President Romney.”
That’s 3.2 million Evangelicals, by the way. (Compared, again, to 1.5 million transgender U.S. citizens.)
Folks, it’s a demographics game. Huckabee is making a calculated choice to rile up the fundamentalists, because he knows full well that a gender-threatened Christian Right simply outnumbers the insulted demographic. Ah, ye ole Game of Thrones.
BY THE BY, THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN COUNTER HUCKABEE AND HIS ILK IS BY GETTING YOUR ASS TO THE VOTING POLL ON NOVEMBER 8, 2016.
3. Here’s Someone Who’s Not Ready to Fully Embrace Transgenderism but Who at Least Has Put Some Serious Thought into the Subject and Yet Decides to Act Charitably In-Person to a Transgender Person, via Patheos: “What Should We Call Bruce Jenner?”
Our society and global community is currently engaged in a complex dialogue about the subject of transgenderism. To my mind (as with same-sex marriage not too long ago), it’s okay for people applying serious critical thought to the subject to find themselves on varying points of the gender philosophy spectrum. Here’s writer Thomas L. McDonald’s current position:
We accept the identity people offer to us. It’s a simple matter of etiquette and charity. We don’t have to be needlessly cruel or provocative, especially to those who are mentally or emotionally troubled.
Sure, one could get worked up about his ultimate position: “It is, very clearly, a mental illness.” But one should also respect the fact that he concludes by pointing the reader to a website, The Catholic Transgender, that holds a position quite the opposite of his own.
Thank you, Mr. McDonald, for approaching this subject with earnestness. That’s the stuff of which Civilization is made.
2. Confused Out of Your Damned Mind but Really Want to Start Learning about This Complex Topic, head on over to GLAAD: “Transgender FAQ”
The article and its resources speak for itself. I’ll just get out of the way.
Also, here’s BBC’s “Things Not to Say to a Trans Person.”
Also-also: LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.
1. Be Still My Heart: Pat Robertson—Transgender Advocate, via Christian Broadcasting Network: “Bring It On-Line”
Sometimes televangelists say the darnedest things. At about the 2:30 mark of this July 2013 CBN broadcast, Old Paw Paw himself seems to be channeling compassion and commonsense…
I think there are men who are in a woman’s body. It’s very rare, but it’s true. Or women that are in men’s bodies. And they want a sex change. And that is a very permanent thing, believe me, when you have certain body parts amputated, and you have shot up with various kinds of hormones, it’s a radical procedure. I don’t think there’s any sin associated with that—I don’t condemn somebody for doing that.
Until the last sentence:
But someone who just says, ‘I’m a woman,’ I question the validity of that statement.”
Old Paw Paw. You gotta love the Christian Right.
That’s a wrap!
Please open your hymnals to No. 31.
I’m the captain
of this ship so…
Shut up and get inside.
Progressives, the November Elections are—damn, you missed it. It’s too late. While we Progressives sat around drinking craft beer, more than one-third of our fellow fundamentalist countrymen rushed to the polls and elected the most idiotic group of human beings ever yet to rule a superpower.
But don’t worry. We’ll get another shot to right the Good Ship Civilization (subliminal hyperlink to Bernie 2016) on Tuesday, November 8, 2016. Hopefully our Little Blue Planet will still be alive and kicking by then. And hopefully we can all get off our Balaam’s asses this time and find a voting booth.
Also, Human Beings Everywhere: FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE!
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